I won’t live until the end of 2020. It just isn’t possible.

Good afternoon, boys and girls … and happy New Year’s Eve! It’s 6:30 p.m., I’m watching the Thin Man movie marathon on TCM and Sam is asleep on the sofa. I’ll try to be brief about my health complaints today. They include: 1) my knees are killing me and I’m stiff as a board; 2) my taste buds are completely destroyed, which means everything tastes like wallpaper paste; and 3) I can’t think of anything else right now so I’ll just post the following graphic …

Ever heard of Bengay? This shit really works!

It’s ME again … your favorite useless bedridden blogger from Texas! I fell asleep this morning before sunrise, just in time for Sam to get home from Wal-Mart, where he bought me a miracle product from the pharmacy, pictured below for your possible interest. For the last couple of days the joint pain in my knees had been positively EXCRUCIATING, even when I was completely motionless in bed. Since I’m already taking the maximum dose of opioids, Sam decided to suggest Bengay cream … an idea from a short list of “last resorts,” and I agreed.

We had a neighborhood power outage late this afternoon.

Yo, and a happy Saturday night to you and yours. It’s almost 8:30 p.m., Sam is asleep on the sofa, and I thought I’d tell you about our day, which has been seriously eventful. I’ve decided to use neatly subtitled paragraphs for you. Proceed at your own risk. Thank you.

Friday has been moving along quickly due to an over-abundance of unexpected sleep.

Hope everybody is having a pleasant day-after-Christmas … because I’m NOT. (Get ready for another kill-joy Howdygram post.) It’s 10:24 p.m., Sam went to bed more than an hour ago, and I’m trying to choke down a Stouffer’s frozen dinner that includes a rubbery breaded chicken patty, tasteless mashed potatoes and beige sauce. Not good. There is NO FLAVOR WHATSOEVER — even with too much salt and pepper — but I’m positive it’s not really Stouffer’s fault. I have to blame this on my shitty dead taste buds. (I’ve had Stouffer’s frozen chicken dinners before and never have any complaints.)

Mazel tov to me. I’m not nauseated tonight.

The best laid plans, right?

I’m having those burning bladder spasms again, every time I pee.

Good morning. It’s Monday, 4:28 a.m., and I just finished (at last!) taking all of my bedtime medications. Sometimes I can really get off-schedule. I take a million prescriptions every day, and unless I’m completely prepared to swallow a large volume of pills I tend to put it off. (Like right now, for instance.)

I had a horribly difficult bedpan experience last night. (Don’t ask.)

So here I am, enjoying a warm glass of sugar-free fruit punch (the ice melted a long time ago but I don’t want to wake Sam to ask for more), watching a favorite movie, Fatso (1980), starring Dom DeLuise and Anne Bancroft, and quietly pondering what I eventually want for a late dinner. I’m officially hungry now. You can tell your friends if you want to.

Here’s a short list of Howdygram-approved movies coming up on TCM.

Howdy-do from Howdygram headquarters! Sam and I just finished watching one of my favorite screwball comedies from the 1930s, Merrily We Live (1938) starring Constance Bennett, Billie Burke and Brian Aherne.

I haven’t set foot in my own kitchen for more than six years.

It’s a few minutes after midnight, Monday morning, and I’m pleased to announce that I don’t have indigestion. Mazel tov! My stomach is fucked-up almost all the time these days, so reporting an absence of indigestion is an awfully big deal.

Ooh! Zazzle is having another half-price sale on greeting cards.

I woke up today at 4:30 p.m. — after an 11-hour nap! — shrieking for Sam to bring me a cane even though I haven’t been able to stand up since May 2018. That’s mighty damn weird, right?

I swear to God, even my HAIR hurts.

Lordy, lordy … it was the week from hell around here. I can’t even begin to describe it, but I’ll give it my best shot because that’s probably why you’re here, right?

Happy Friday.

Just for you …

Welcome to the vomitorium.

WEDNESDAY, 12/4/2019, 10:45 A.M. After the night from hell I didn’t know whether or not I’d be able to write a Howdygram post today. Sometime yesterday evening Sam and I realized I had a raging fever … nearly 103°. And since “normal” for me is 96°, that’s equivalent to 105°. In addition to the high fever I was plagued with that “churning stomach” issue again. I was FUCKING MISERABLE and stayed up all night moaning, hallucinating, crying and trying to figure out my next step.

Sam went pie-shopping today. He was a man with a mission.

Hello, people! It’s 11 p.m. Thanksgiving night, and our stomachs are hung by the chimney with care. Wait … wrong holiday. I’m confused. The problem is, Sam and I didn’t see hide nor hair of a turkey today … nor stuffing, nor gravy, nor lumpy mashed potatoes, nor cranberry sauce, nor pie of any kind whatsoever. We didn’t see hide nor hair of ANYTHING today … although Sam had a breakfast burrito for lunch and I ate a small plate of leftover chicken egg foo young around 4 p.m.

Canned tamales, a frozen Banquet Chicken Pot Pie, baked beans … Happy Thanksgiving!

Holy shit, what a week we’ve had.

Sam’s four-day fever finally broke early Tuesday morning — hallelujah! — allowing him to stand on his feet for more than 30 seconds without crumbling and even hold a brief conversation.

Please think some healing thoughts for Sam.

SUNDAY, 11/24/2019, 10:09 P.M. Yo, people. It’s a few minutes after 10 p.m. on Sunday night and Sam is still sick … DAY FOUR! He’s wrapped in a fleece blanket on the sofa and can barely stand up. I wish I knew what to do for him, poor baby. He’s been absolutely miserable. And when Sam is miserable, I’m miserable, too!

What happens when your caregiver gets sick?!

Happy Friday, boys and girls. I’m sad to report that my sweet Sam is sick. I’m thankful he gathered his wits — of which he has many! — and got in to see his doctor right away yesterday morning. The diagnosis …

I can still name everybody in my fourth grade class (almost), even Herbie Rotfeld.

SATURDAY, 11/16/2019, 8:13 P.M. I’m wishing y’all a pleasant Saturday evening from Howdygram headquarters. Sam is in the kitchen fritterin’ around with my dinner — baked mozzarella sticks with pasta sauce — even though I’m not really convinced I’ll be able to eat that.* My stomach has been “churning” and generally upset since I woke up this afternoon at 4 p.m, and after a round of medication I’m still not feeling any better … except for the fact that I feel completely empty and need some food, pronto pronto pronto.

I’m having another “dead mackerel” experience.

Yo, everybody. I’m having another “dead mackerel” experience, feeling chilled, clammy and altogether lousy with a low-low-low body temperature of 94°. This is extremely unpleasant, so I’ve been trying to find ways to distract myself for more than an hour. I started with a ridiculous Shirley Temple movie from 1934 called Stand Up and Cheer (blecch!) and eventually wound up dicking around with the Howdygram’s text color. I changed it from aqua blue to a different shade of aqua blue, as pictured below.

Tonight Sam had to yank out my catheter again.

Hi. I’m squinting at the clock (it’s about 12:45 Monday afternoon) and I just woke up. While I take my breakfast meds — a fistful of pills that includes Gabapentin, two Hydrocodones, Metoprolol and three Lasix tablets — with a strawberry meal replacement shake for elderly diabetics, I would like to include some prose, with a more serious turn, that I failed to add to my most recent Howdygram post due to being sidetracked by Errol Flynn movies at the last minute. (That’s one of the longest, and most awkward, sentences I’ve ever written.)

Happy birthday, Robin!

Sam and I are unwinding after a pleasant day of Errol Flynn movies. He’s asleep on the sofa (Sam, not Mr. Flynn), and I’m enjoying a couple of Otter Pops and a big tumbler of sugar-free lemonade. In case you give a crap, the aforementioned Errol Flynn marathon included Dodge City (1939), Santa Fe Trail (1940) and They Died with Their Boots On (1941), all with Olivia de Havilland. Personally, I think They Died with Their Boots On — a very fictionalized version of Custer’s last stand — is probably Flynn’s finest movie.

Sam is considering a new career specializing in catheter removal.

It’s been a whole week since my last stab at a Howdygram post. Seven days. And if you’re wondering why, it’s because I’m recovering from another “decline” … my third decline since August. Therefore I’d like to take a couple of minutes to discuss this with you, okay?

The current temperature is 38°, and little Texans just ain’t used to this.

It’s Halloween, 8:15 p.m., and there have been zero trick-or-treaters today. Nada. NONE WHATSOEVER. And not only hasn’t anyone been ringing our doorbell, there aren’t even any children outside! I think part of the problem could be the weather, though, because it’s awfully cold right now in the Dallas metro area. The current temperature is 38°, and little Texans just ain’t used to this. (Big Texans aren’t really too thrilled with it, either.)

Warmest Halloween greetings to you and yours. Thank you … and adiós!

Surprise, surprise! My monthly catheter change was rescheduled for yesterday at 10:30 a.m. rather than today (Thursday). I was a little nervous about this because I’ve been struggling with more (very severe) burning bladder spasms, and didn’t think I’d be able to tolerate any medical procedures in and around my urethra. I was right, too. The catheter change hurt like hell. But there was one “plus” … at least Martha was able to insert the new catheter on her first attempt. Finally! (The last two monthly events were nightmares.) Also in attendance today were Leticia, my hospice C.N.A., who provided a bathing and hygiene session before the catheter festivities got underway, and Sam.

Nobody likes stingy pot roast.

I can’t figure out what else to do for entertainment right now so I guess I’ll get started on another Howdygram post. It’s a few minutes past midnight on Sunday morning, Sam is in bed, and I don’t feel like watching a movie, reading the national news, designing greeting cards for The Howdygram Store, answering email or staring at the fireplace … which happens to be the only available view from my hospital bed in the family room. I suppose I should warn you that I’m recovering from another miserable bedpan ordeal (don’t ask) and I’m not really feeling particularly upbeat or cheerful. Deal with it. I promise to do my best not to drag you down or irritate you, okay?

I need a Xanax, an anti-nausea pill and a meal replacement shake.

Hey. Happy Thursday, everybody. We’re expecting colder temperatures today and a shitload of RAIN — up to three inches! — which is actually pretty good news, as we’ve been stuck in a drought for the last six months and three inches of rain will fill up the reservoirs. In case you’re interested, although I can’t imagine why you would be, our reservoir is lovely Lake Ray Hubbard in nearby Rockwall, a source of summertime entertainment for boating enthusiasts and local water-starved Texans. The following map indicates: A) the Lake Ray Hubbard Reservoir; B) Howdygram headquarters, which is about four miles east of the lake; C) our closest Wal-Mart superstore; and D) China City, where Sam always buys my favorite hot and sour soup to-go.

I have artwork completed for more than 50 new greeting card designs.

Happy, happy Tuesday night, y’all. It’s 11:45 p.m. here at Howdygram headquarters, and Sam is moisturizing our leather sofa. (Seriously.) This is something you need to do from time to time if you want to prevent good leather from drying out and looking like crap. He decided to moisturize late at night so he can go straight to bed afterwards and not worry about sitting on a greasy sofa.

We survived our wild and stormy night, as evidenced by the fact that I’m still typing.

SUNDAY, 10/20/2019, 11:10 P.M. Hey. Thought I’d start a quick post tonight so you’ll know that Sam and I are all right. A couple of hours ago there was a SUBSTANTIAL TORNADO here in the Dallas metro area! The twister developed at Love Field (the smaller of Dallas’ two airports) and traveled for 17 miles east and slightly north, heading straight for Mesquite … the location of Howdygram headquarters. According to a news report on NBC.com, there’s been a lot of structural damage to commercial and residental buildings, downed electrical lines, injuries from flying debris and broken glass, and a large area of the city is currently without power

A senior citizen food review and fabulous free fonts valued at $710.

Good morning, boys and girls. It’s a few minutes south of 2 a.m., Sam is in bed, and I’m enjoying a little quiet time with the Howdygram and iced tea. My sleep schedule has been a little whacked-out this week so I’m hoping I’ll be able to conk out for a few hours before sun-up. We’re expecting lots of commotion around here today, for instance: 1) a 10 a.m. visit from our maid; 2) my hospice C.N.A., Beauty, at 1 p.m. for a bathing and hygiene session; and 3) Sharon, my hospice L.V.N., for a routine checkup between 1 and 2 p.m.

Please hold a good thought for Sam. I think he’s getting sick.

Hi-de-ho, everybody. It’s 9:25 p.m. Wednesday night — the shank of evening! — but Sam is already in bed. How come? He doesn’t feel well! He was sniffling and coughing today and said he felt unusually tired, so about half an hour ago he decided to toddle off to bed for some uninterrupted sleep. I’m fine out here in the family room. I’ve got a big glass of pink lemonade and a burst of creative energy to work on the Howdygram. All’s well, but please hold a good thought for Sam. I don’t want my caregiver to get sick!

Introducing The Applesauce Diaries.

SUNDAY, 2:59 A.M., 10/13/2019. Good morning, y’all. I’m trying to wind down after the night from hell. Indigestion again! My stomach started churning last night around 7:30 but none of the usual remedies worked for me. These included all of the following …

I’ll bet you didn’t know that I’m psychic.

Here’s something different … I’m feeling creative and prolific right now but can’t quite pin down the best way to express myself. Here are my options: 1) design a few new greeting cards; 2) write a newsy Howdygram post; 3) get busy creating new holiday products for The Howdygram Store, such as decorative pillows, coasters and fleece throws.

There’s nothing worse than a semi-successful bedpan experience.

So far I’m not having a very good day. This time it’s been a never-ending problem with digestion, because food no longer has any flavor whatsoever and that makes it difficult to prevent starving to death. For the last several days I’ve only eaten applesauce, hot and sour soup from China City and an occasional chocolate meal replacement shake from Glucerna for elderly diabetics. I’m not happy at all. Sam is being sweet, entertaining, attentive and incredible, and I’m lying here in bed feeling like crapola. (And I’m hungry.)

I’m ready for another round of Mott’s applesauce.

Greetings, friends. It’s 9:30 Friday night and I just realized I’ve been asleep almost nonstop since I first opened my eyes this morning at 3 a.m.

The State Fair of Texas sells everything from vibrators to insulated windows.

Tuesday was a rough day for me, and today hasn’t been much better. It’s my miserable stomach again. After trying all day yesterday to eat one or two stinkin’ bites of food, the only success I had was a strawberry Glucerna meal replacement shake for elderly diabetics, one and a half string beans and a cup of applesauce. Fortunately, at dinnertime my adorable Sam volunteered to bring me a large order of live-saving hot and sour soup from China City … AND I ACTUALLY ATE THE WHOLE THING. Better yet, he said he’d be glad to buy hot and sour soup for me every day if I want him to … and I might have to take him up on that because almost nothing else sounds (or tastes) appealing any more.

L’Shanah Tovah, y’all.

To celebrate the dawn of another new year I’d like to wish all of my Jewish readers — friends, relatives and total strangers — a sweet and happy 5780 from Howdygram headquarters. And here’s my annual Rosh Hashanah graphic!

Mister Sam of Beverly Hills was supposed to give me a haircut today.

Hi-de-ho, everybody … notice the big change up above in the Howdygram’s banner? I’ve been somewhat unwell for the last couple of days (details follow) so I decided to amuse myself with a new “look” and new graphics. If you’re not thrilled, hang in there. You’ll get used to it eventually.

This month’s catheter change was another total disaster.

Hi, everybody. It’s 12:03 a.m. Thursday morning and I’m finally getting around to the Howdygram. I’ve been on a brief hiatus due to a large volume of unexpected sleep, assorted digestion difficulties and an abundance of wild news emanating from our nation’s capitol. In case you’ve been hiding under a rock for the last few days, I think the treasonous orangutan in the White House is finally on his way out … and hopefully on his way to prison. Glory hallelujah!

East Texas is drowning in lots of weather.

Hello … and happy Friday morning from the Lone Star State! I don’t know why I’m so damn cheerful, to tell y’all the truth, because the eastern third of Texas is being pounded to death by TROPICAL DEPRESSION IMELDA. Houston, and areas to the east of Houston, are floating away under 55 inches of rain during the last 36 hours … and there’s more on the way.

A two-day gift from my guardian angel.

Wednesday morning, 6:30 a.m., and the house is quiet. I was awake most of the night watching a couple of amazing movies, although they’re definitely amazing for very different reasons.

We’re expecting visitors!

It’s another hot and sweaty autumn Sunday in north Texas — 98° with substantial humidity — and Sam is vaulting around the house doing a few miscellaneous “clean-up” chores. You know, folding the afghan in the family room, unloading the dishwasher and re-folding the fingertip towels in the hall bathroom. Wonder why? WE’RE EXPECTING VISITORS!

Harve Presnell, up close and personal.

It’s Friday night at Howdygram headquarters and there’s not much going on around here. Sam is taking a nice after-dinner nap even though I don’t think he’s eaten, and my digestive system is too fucked-up to think about food. At the present time I’m living on: 1) applesauce; 2) Glucerna meal replacement shakes for old diabetics; and 3) soup that contains nothing solid, i.e., noodles.

Nasal difficulties.

Hello, and happy Wednesday night to you and yours. I’ve had a rough day, so in case you’re interested I think I’ll begin with a comprehensive list of complaints.

Please don’t get scared.

It’s 9:30 Wednesday morning, and I’m waiting for my hospice C.N.A. to show up. It’s bath day again. Woo-hoo!

It’s time again for the State Fair of Texas.

Yo, and happy Labor Day from the retired sleepyheads at Howdygram headquarters! It’s nearly 10 p.m. already and the holiday is almost over, but I hope yours was a good one with lots of people, maybe a parade, happy times and potato salad.

My new air mattress is atrocious.

It’s 2:30 Thursday morning and I’m NOT a happy little camper. I’ll begin with a Shit-O-Meter misery readout and follow with a list of all the varied and sundry reasons why I’m feeling like crap today.

Catheters, rain gutters and remembering Cincinnati Chili.

Hello, hello, and happy Tuesday morning. While I wait for a thunderstorm to roll through here I think I owe you guys an explanation: I don’t write Howdygram posts very often any more because I’m always asleep! Sam estimated that I slept about 18 hours yesterday and spent the rest of the time trying to keep my eyes open, deciding whether or not I was hungry, and (finally) should I watch a movie or design another greeting card for The Howdygram Store now that I’ve moved on from iPhone cases.

It almost feels like we’re getting a whole new house. Woo-hoo!

Hi, people … I’m back! It’s been a whole week since my last post, and that’s due to: 1) a bunch of very shitty health issues; 2) requiring an inordinate amount of sleep; and 3) concentrating on a variety of creative projects in-between sleeping and vomiting. I’ll elucidate for you below. Thank you.

According to a body language expert, Donald Trump wears shoe lifts to increase his height.

I’m past the crisis now, so it’s safe to make the following statement: TODAY WAS ONE OF THE LOUSIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

My life is certainly a whirlwind of fun and frivolity, isn’t it?

Sam and I had a rather blah Sunday. He’s been bored and cranky from the triple-digit heat — and the fact that you can’t go anywhere that involves parking your car in the sun — and I’m feeling achy and crappy even though we enjoyed a nice little bowl of chili for dinner (Sam and I always love a nice little bowl of chili) and watched one of our most cherished classic movies, Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen (1950), which we hadn’t seen for an awfully long time. Rather than delete The African Queen, though, I think I’ll save it in the “Keepers” folder on our DVR because I don’t want to wait another 10 years before I see it again.

I have a huge announcement: I just finished dinner.

I’m having a fidgety, uncomfortable and moderately miserable day today. At the moment my complaints include insane swings between burning hot feet and chills, body aches, crappy mentally ill skin (simultaneously fiery hot, ice cold, itchy and shitty … don’t ask!) all over my back, and — here’s the weird one — THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH IS ITCHY! According to WebMD that last one is probably from an allergy or a yeast infection. Since I already know I’ve got both, the cause is probably a toss-up. I’m a mess.

The dog ate my homework.

Good morning, people. It’s 9:28 a.m. at Howdygram headquarters and I’m waiting for my hospice R.N., Rachel, who’s supposed to be here within the next two minutes (but I won’t hold my breath). It’s time for my weekly checkup and an evaluation of the cellulitis infection in my right leg. I was diagnosed with the infection last week and started taking an antibiotic on Sunday. Stay tuned.

Chinese has been my cuisine-of-choice for almost seven decades. Ask anybody.

A good and happy Tuesday to you and yours. It’s almost 10 p.m., and Sam and I just finished watching this week’s episode of the Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch.” Hard to believe this is already season 14. Yup, a whole 14 years of misery, frozen spray, broken bones, rogue waves and egomaniacal captains. Mostly I love the photography, though, which is goddamn impressive on a high definition TV.

This is really an awfully teeny price to pay for so much fucking inspiration!

I feel like I’ve been cut off from the entire world. This has been my reality as a housebound invalid for the last several years; I’ve only been bedridden since May 2018. Actually, I guess that’s an accurate statement when you consider that I was unconscious for four days last week. When I finally “came back” on Sunday morning the world was a different place, including so many new mass shootings I can’t keep track of them all. Donald Trump must be so goddamn proud of himself. What a pile of WORTHLESS EXCREMENT!

How did I lose four days!?

When I woke up this morning and checked the date on my computer I realized something was very lousy seriously crappy COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. It couldn’t be August 4. How did I lose four days!?

It’s not too early to set aside some free fonts for Hanukkah presents.

Yo, everybody. I sincerely wanted to write a post on Thursday but couldn’t squeeze it into my schedule. I was busy all morning with my monthly catheter change hoo-hah (which went very well, thank you for asking), and then spent the balance of the day: 1) sleeping; 2) watching quirky, atmospheric movies*; and 3) eating things.

I’ve got a whole new addiction.

In Sunday’s post I wrote briefly about my surreal life as a bedridden senior citizen. While it’s definitely bizarre to watch a Sandra Dee movie and eat canned tomatoes — with habanero peppers! — at 5 o’clock in the morning, “surreal” certainly doesn’t stop there.

A little extra pasta here and there probably keeps me from starving to death.

You know your life is surreal — Jesus, no kidding! — when it’s 5:17 a.m., you’re eating a can of spicy Ro-Tel tomatoes with habanero peppers and watching the original Gidget (1959) starring Sandra Dee, James Darren and Cliff Robertson.

It’s never a good idea to call a person an asshole when he has a scalpel in his hand.

Happy Friday morning, everybody!

Jesus. I just lost three days of my life.

Hello, everybody, and I hope you’re having a swell and happy Sunday. I’d like to begin tonight’s Howdygram post with a brief health review. Thank you for putting up with me.

Without creative projects to work on I probably would have died from monotny.

Good afternoon, boys and girls. It’s late Friday afternoon and I just woke up from a very lovely, very long nap. Eight glorious hours. It could have been even longer, however, if our landscapers hadn’t showed up. (They’re mowing, edging, sweating, shouting and whacking. There’s a lot of fucking commotion out there.) Lately I’ve been keeping a “graveyard shift” schedule … falling asleep right after breakfast and waking up around 5 p.m.

Apparently the world doesn’t already have enough sticky shit.

Know why I love Wednesday? I GET MY DRUG REFILLS ON WEDNESDAY! Or, actually, every other Wednesday. When you get your medical care from a hospice you have to request your prescription refills every other week — insane, right? — and in my case, Happy Drug Day always falls on a Wednesday. This would include 15-day refills for Amitriptyline, Metoprolol, Trazodone, Gabapentin, Furosemide, Xanax*, Tolterodine* and Hydrocodone.

I keep a typewritten list of my favorite snacks and groceries on the desktop of my iMac.

Yo, everybody! It’s 1:53 a.m. — the wee hours of Tuesday morning — and I want to tell you all about my late “bedtime” dinner a couple of hours ago. I had frozen peas and a big glass of sugar-free Crystal Light fruit punch. Honestly, it just doesn’t get much better than that. Peas and punch!

Thank you, Sam. You saved my life.

Well, it’s a few minutes after 8 a.m. on Sunday morning, and before I go any further I have to post the following very important statement regarding the earthquake in southern California a couple of days ago.

Hey, people … have you ever had a craving for creamed spinach?

I love weekends because Sam and I get TWO WHOLE DAYS without any invited (or uninvited) visitors or irritating interruptions. These would include: 1) hospice nurses or nurse’s aides; 2) a medical professional of any kind; 3) a pharmacy delivery that isn’t Hydrocodone; and 4) a UPS dude who rings the doorbell.

I want to stay awake all night and create some great shit!

I must be feeling mighty prolific to start a new Howdygram post so soon after the War and Peace edition I published a few short hours ago. Holy crap, right?

Happy Independence Day from Sam and me.

While I wait for my hospice C.N.A. to show up for Wednesday morning’s bath and hygiene session I thought it might be a good idea to jump-start another fresh, new Howdygram post, which involves typing like a maniac until the doorbell rings. Is this fun, or what?!

Trust me, blow-drying your hair in bed is a mighty tricky activity.

Good morning. It’s almost 8:30 a.m., and I’ve got a couple of hours to kill before my C.N.A. gets here for a bathing and general hygiene session. I can either watch a movie or compose on a Howdygram post. (Guess which one I picked.)

The news from Catheterland tonight is excellent.

Holy crap. Yesterday was the WORST. THURSDAY. EVER.

I want to grab a short nap before someone starts yanking on my tubes again.

Happy Wednesday morning, boys and girls! It’s almost 3 a.m., and I’m waiting for Sam to wake up because I think I’M STARVING TO DEATH. He usually tumbles out of bed by 4 a.m. to enjoy a big pot of coffee and go for a two-hour walk while it’s still dark outside — retirement rocks! — but today I desperately need food before he gets involved in his regular routine. My request will include a toasted English muffin with pepper jack cheese, one large navel orange, a glass of iced tea and an excellent classic movie: Bombshell (1933) starring Jean Harlow and Franchot Tone. (This is actually an adorable screwball comedy that parodies Harlow’s life.)

Tofu Italian sausage is actually as delicious as it sounds.

Here’s what’s going on tonight at Howdygram headquarters: NOTHING. Sam is asleep on the sofa, I’m drinking iced tea, and we’re both not watching The Guns of Navarone (1961) starring Gregory Peck and David Niven. This is an excellent movie if you can remind yourself to mute the volume at crucial points in the story, because The Guns of Navarone is a nonstop festival of explosions, noise, sound effects, wailing Nazi sirens and guns. MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF GUNS!

Sometimes I fall asleep mid-sentence. My hospice team says this is part of a “decline.”

Yo. It’s almost 5 p.m. and I thought I’d get started on another Howdygram post before I fall asleep. (Because it would be awfully hard to get started after I fall asleep. I’m just saying.) I’ve been nodding off quite a bit for the past couple of days, sometimes even mid-sentence when I’m talking to Sam. My hospice team says this is actually part of a “decline.”

An oxygen cannula delivers “forced air” up your nose but has a few drawbacks.

Happy Tuesday morning from Howdygram headquarters. It’s almost 2 a.m., Sam is in bed, and I’m enjoying a few hours of quiet time with a brand new creative project for The Howdygram Store (details follow). In the meantime I’d like to tell you what’s been going on around here.

I only have two nostrils.

Don’t get hysterical or recalibrate your monitor … in case everything looks slightly different but you can’t figure out what, I just spent half an hour tweaking the Howdygram’s colors! Now the text is a pleasant yet different shade of light blue instead of a dull blue/gray, and the post headlines are a darker navy than before. I also added some additional letterspacing here and there to make everything a little more legible.

I would like to recommend Loma Linda Swiss Stakes with Tasty Tan Gravy in a Can.

Hello, people. Here’s wishing y’all a swell and peaceful Monday! It’s 4:45 p.m., Sam is in the study trying to find a photo on the Internet, and I’ve decided to squeeze in a Howdygram post while I’m still pain-free with no burning bladder spasms and no migraine headache. My project-of-the-week involves some drug experimentation.

About migraines, nausea and uncontrollable floating arms.

I’ve been working on a Howdygram post for the last several days but had no opportunity to wrap it up or publish it. Why? Because I’ve had a couple of bizarre medical emergencies — or “Incredible Medical Escapades” — going on behind the scenes here, the second of which brought me perilously close to ending my own life due to overwhelming helplessness, hopelessness and pain.

A bleeding, itching heat rash … up close and personal.

Happy Saturday, boy and girls. It’s a few minutes before 6 a.m., Sam is out in the woods enjoying his pre-dawn “constitutional,” and I’ve decided to spend some time at the keyboard composing another Howdygram post. Lucky you.

Incidentally, pressure sores are not good news. You do NOT want pressure sores!

It’s the pre-dawn hours of Tuesday morning — 4:30 a.m. to be exact — and Sam is getting ready to go for his morning “constitutional” in his favorite forested area in south Mesquite. Before he leaves, though, I asked him to nuke a bag of frozen cauliflower for me.

Celebrating Memorial Day with “From Here to Eternity” and a pile of Chinese food.

Happy Memorial Day! While America honors its fallen soldiers, I’m lying in bed watching From Here to Eternity (1953) starring Montgomery Clift, Frank Sinatra and Burt Lancaster while waiting for a delivery from China City. Specifically, Tofu Tempura and Scallop Egg Foo Young. (Oy. I’m starving.) Because everybody wants Chinese food on Memorial Day, right?

I’ve been working on a new line of weird cat-themed greeting cards.

It’s the wee hours of Sunday morning, just a few minutes past midnight. The days have been rushing by! I began a Howdygram post on Monday night but never got past the opening paragraph; when I tried to pick it up again on Wednesday I lost interest almost right away and decided instead to work on a new line of weird cat-themed greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Two examples appear below for your possible interest.

I’d like to wish a happy 45th anniversary to my sister and brother-in-law, Robin and Ron.

Yo, everybody, and happy Sunday! Before I dive into a bunch of important, essential and occasionally stupid subjects, I would like to extend warmest wishes to Robin and Ron (my sister and brother-in-law) on their 45th wedding anniversary! That’s an awfully long time ago, but I remember it well due to being Robin’s maid-of-honor in a very yellow bridesmaid’s dress with poofy sleeves (typical 1970s) and sandals that gave me blisters. Other memories … the food was terrific, I got trampled during the bouquet toss, there was a very good orchestra and Robin looked adorable … except she was almost late for the noon-time ceremony. We finally found her in the hotel coffee shop with curlers in her hair eating cereal. (No kidding. True story.)

Sam and I have a flock of Doris Day’s best movies stored on our DVR.

I missed my opportunity this year to wish many of you a happy Mother’s Day, and I apologize for that. I sincerely hope I’ll have a chance to try again in 2020. To tell you the truth, though, I’d be happy just to make it through New Year’s Eve. Let’s hold a good thought. Thank you.

I started coughing up blood today.

It’s 7:30 a.m. on Saturday morning, and this is already a day of FAVORITES … starting with my favorite weekend beverage (iced tea), my favorite visitors (none), my favorite breakfast (a toasted English muffin with butter and cheese), my favorite weather (thunderstorms), my favorite husband (Sam) and my favorite blog (the Howdygram), which are listed here in no particular order whatsoever.

Sam taught me how to meditate last night. I married a genius!

Happy Wednesday morning from Howdygram headquarters. It’s almost 4 a.m. and I’m pleased to report that I feel MUCH, MUCH BETTER than I did yesterday, when I stayed awake all night gagging and choking on a fistful of bedtime prescription medications that dissolved in my throat after I fell asleep unexpectedly … a thoroughly sickening “stew” of Gabapentin Trazodone, Hydrocodone, Amitriptyline and Metoprolol. Blecch!

I’m choking and gagging and coughing violently. Having a wonderful time.

Hi-de-ho, everybody! It’s the early hours of Tuesday morning — 3:25 a.m. to be exact — and I thought it might be a good idea to distract myself by composing another Howdygram post even though I’m feeling ONE THOUSAND PERCENT LOUSY right now. This is wholly due to: 1) my body temperature is only 94.7°; 2) I’ve got drippy allergy symptoms; 3) my knees are killing me; 4) my bedtime meds are burning a foul-tasting hole in my esophagus because they didn’t “go down” all the way when I swallowed them three hours ago and immediately fell asleep; and 5) Sam went to bed at midnight so there’s nobody to play with.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, that annual opportunity to pledge your allegiance to Hellmann’s.

Today’s the day, people! It’s Saturday morning, 9:35 a.m., and our A/C installation crew just got here. This is very exciting. We’ve been without central air since Monday, although it isn’t really as dire as it sounds because the outdoor temperature has been mostly in the low 70s … and that’s unseasonably pleasant for Texas at this time of year! (We’re usually in the 90s by now.)

Rasputin’s death scene is very satisfying, completely outrageous and 100% unforgettable.

I honestly don’t think I’m motivated enough to work on a Howdygram post right now, because I just spent the last couple of hours writing three (long overdue) emails and promised myself I’d kick back a little afterwards and watch one of my favorite culty old movies. I’m referring to Rasputin and Empress (1932) starring Ethel, Lionel and John Barrymore … the only time all three Barrymores shared the screen together. Wow, right?

If my Hydrocodone isn’t here by Wednesday, Sam is ready to rip the hospice a new one.

It’s midnight. Sam is asleep and the house is quiet at this late hour, especially since the various events of “crazy Monday” are finally over now. For your possible interest, these included all of the following …

I’ve always been happy to support public education even though I have no children.

Happy Sunday night from Howdygram headquarters! Sam is unconscious on the sofa and I’m finishing up an online Wal-Mart order. This time it’s a teeny one … six boxes of Otter Pops Beach Breakers. They come in six excellent flavors — Blue Raspberry, Strawberry, Orange, Lime, Grape and Punch — and they’re sold 20 to a box with a three-box minimum. Incidentally, Beach Breakers are a “sorbet” texture rather than ordinary ice, and they’re my #1 favorite year-round dessert not counting occasional Hostess SnoBalls.

At 4 a.m. I asked Sam for rye bread and butter, which I regurgitated half an hour later.

I’m sad to report that our intensely popular Hat of the Day feature ended at 3 p.m. Friday due to finally running out of idiotic millinery. Hat #7 appears below in case your short-term memory sucks as much as mine does.

Hostess SnoBalls are an amazingly fluffy confection.

We had some excitement around here this morning! After Sam noticed that a lot of our neighbors were having extensive roof work done due to recent hail damage, he invited one of the contractors to come over and inspect Howdygram headquarters.

At times I really enjoy turning the family room lamps on and off.

Hello, people. I think I’ve managed to sigh myself into a mild depression that started yesterday when I asked Sam if he realized I’ve been bedridden for almost a whole year. I’ve just spent 12 months in a hospital bed, in the same position, staring at the same wall, unable to walk and unable to even stand up. I guess that’s probably enough to depress anybody.

“White Cargo” is the sweatiest movie ever made.

Happy Saturday morning from bright and sunshiney Texas. I started my day with a fistful of drugs and a few squirts of FloNase while Sam shuffles in and out of the house doing his springtime weed patrol thing. Just another typical weekend at Howdygram headquarters. I’m not joking.

Happy Pesach to our Jewish friends and relatives.

It’s barely Thursday morning, just a few minutes past 1 a.m., and those “killer thunderstorms” we were expecting 10 hours ago finally decided to roll in. They’re LOUD, and I swear I can hear hailstones … although I’m sure they’re not as big as baseballs because baseballs would make a lot more noise than this. These have to be teeny hailstones, maybe the size of nipples. And in case the lights go out I’ve got some emergency essentials within arm’s reach: 1) a gigantic high-beam flashlight that could double as a lethal weapon; 2) a battery-powered oxygen generator; and 3) a box of Hostess Suzy-Qs. Woo-hoo!

We’re expecting some yooge killer thunderstorms on Wednesday.

Yesterday was one of the worst days ever around here. After my hospice nurse left around 11 a.m. I began having problems with my oxygen. The oximeter readouts* were sinking fast … from the 90s to the mid-80s and eventually sinking into the low 70s by late evening. At that point Sam had already turned up the generator to the highest setting (5 liters), but my oximeter readouts never improved. In fact, they were continually crappier as the night wore on until it felt like somebody dropped an anvil on my chest.

Please feel free to remember the Alamo ... but don’t get too obnoxious about it, okay?

Happy Sunday, everybody! I’m pleased to announce that we survived yesterday’s eight-hour thunderstorm with no damage, no loss of power and no casualties. I think the most serious storms were reported about 100 miles south of the Dallas metro area, but thanks, anyway, for worrying about us.

I spend my days luxuriously now ... eating TV dinners, ice cream and Otter Pops.

Yo, people! It’s late Wednesday night — just a few minutes before midnight — and I thought I’d sneak a little time away from creative projects for The Howdygram Store.

On Saturday I rediscovered my rib cage.

Okay, okay, okay … I’m fine, everybody. It’s been quite a few days since my last post, but that’s because I needed a brief hiatus to concentrate on uploading my new greeting card designs to The Howdygram Store. I’ve made some decent progress, believe it or not … it only took seven hours to upload the first 12 cards! (I think I mentioned in the past that it’s slow work. Obviously I wasn’t joking about that.) So now it’s 12 down, only 23 more to go …

I’ve always had a talent for multitasking … even from my hospital bed.

We’re having a quiet Wednesday evening here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam and I have been watching a pair of pleasant back-to-back movies … Born to Dance (1936) starring James Stewart and Eleanor Powell, and No Time for Sergeants (1958) starring Andy Griffith and Nick Adams. Eventually I’ll probably request food, although it’s almost 10 p.m. and getting a little late for dinner. I think maybe I should figure out a way to combine dinner with a bedtime snack. I’ve always had a talent for multitasking … even from my hospital bed.

Seriously, does this sound like something we can cure with vitamins?

Good morning. It’s a few minutes before 6 a.m. and I’m wide awake on my hospital bed in the family room. Before I jump into other subjects I need to make a huge proclamation about my pish. (To a bedridden invalid, pish can be a very large deal.)

A Wednesday morning hanging hoo-hah.

So it’s Friday morning, just a few minutes after 11 a.m., and I’m considering how swell it would be to spend some quality time with my new best friends Ben & Jerry.

Living life between the spasms.

It’s Tuesday morning, boys and girls, a few minutes before 11 a.m., and I just greeted the day with a handful of pills, two Hydrocodones and a pair of intense, back-to-back burning bladder spasms.

There’s nothing I can do to raise my numbers or make this better. My heart is failing, period.

Shalom, welcome and how’s everything with all y’all*!? It’s a few minutes past 3:45 on Sunday morning and I thought I’d kill a little time with a Howdygram post. I just spent the last 24 hours designing more greeting cards for The Howdygram Store, and I definitely need a break right now from all that stinkin’ creativity. An Andy Hardy movie, Hostess SnoBalls and a pair of Hydrocodones would be a fabulous way to unwind. (Especially the Hydrocodones.)

Let’s pour a shot of Bailey’s Irish Cream and wait for the other shoe to drop.

I finally fell asleep this morning at 5 a.m., just about the same time that Sam left for his daily sunrise walk in the woods at Samuell Park. Sounds romantic, doesn’t it? Sam calls sunrise a “religious experience,” so he’s there nearly every day — even when it’s only 45° outside — to worship the moon, the stars and the brilliant colors at dawn. Judging from the photos he brings home, I totally get it. Here’s one of his latest.

Happy third birthday, Hudson!

It’s early Tuesday morning at Howdygram headquarters — only a few minutes past 1 a.m. — and there’s actually a great deal of activity going on here at this wee hour. For instance, I just finished binge-watching a week’s worth of “People’s Court” reruns while Sam massages cream conditioner into our leather sectional sofa. We’re definitely a pair of motivated night owls.

I’ve got the latest “look” in sleepwear from Vomitorium Fashion Week.

As promised … here’s another jam-packed Howdygram post. I’ll try to continue typing as long as I can, and please forgive me if this gets a little too graphic. Thank you.

Throughout the day I’ve been limp, droopy, achy, sad and blecchy.

Not good. Not good. NOT GOOD.

I’m referring to my current health crisis … something unexpected that’s really knocked the wind out of my sails. Ahoy, matey.

Facebook is down right now. Is anybody going through withdrawal?

Here’s hoping y’all are enjoying a pleasant Tuesday evening. Everything is peaceful* here, with Sam asleep on the sofa, They Died with Their Boots On (1941) starring Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland on TV, and I’m taking a short break from new greeting card designs for The Howdygram Store. In case you care, my designs during the last few days have been prolific … 16 so far, and more to come! I’ll share a few for you in the Howdygram as soon as I have a chance to upload my artwork to Zazzle and post the cards for sale. Stay tuned, okay?

Recording, watching and (sometimes) writing about old movies are a yooge part of my life.

Another day, another digestion nightmare. Ready for this? I had a lovely plate of artistic eggs yesterday morning for breakfast (thank you, Wolfgang) that took 12½ hours to finish traveling through my esophagus. I’m awfully tired of all these rotten infirmities! I almost starved to death — with a pressure in my chest like I’m having a fucking heart attack — until I could finally swallow again and take another bite of food. (Sam eventually baked some mozzarella sticks for a late dinner.)

I started experiencing those burning bladder spasms again, once or twice every hour.

Happy Friday to y’all from your favorite bedridden blogger … me! It’s 9:30 a.m. and I’m killing a few minutes before my C.N.A. shows up for bath-time. She’s usually here at 10:30. Let’s see how far I can get with this in an hour!

Good news … Howdygram headquarters no longer has a matzo ball shortage!

THURSDAY, 4/7/2019, 1:20 A.M. Yo, y’all. It’s the wee hours of Thursday morning (is 1:20 a.m. “wee” enough for you?), Sam is spread out in bed, and I’m fighting a case of middle-of-the-night restlessness, probably because I’m really, really hot right now and finally managed to peel off one of my knit afghans. (The red one.) I’m sure I’ll feel less agitated as soon as I cool off a little and give my recent dose of Hydrocodone a chance to kick in.

I’m not comfortable, well or happy right now. Not even a little bit.

I really hate it when I have to start a post like this, but please accept my yooge apology for taking a few days off. Obviously, this is my first post since last Saturday … and for two excellent reasons: 1) I was occupied doing something else; and 2) I also wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to depress anybody. Got that?

I broke my glasses on Wednesday.

After two days of near-nonstop sleep I think I can finally announce that … I’m living in crazytown! I’ve been sleeping all day, nodding off in the middle of a sentence, never knowing if it’s morning or night, missing meals, and I still don’t feel rested or refreshed. I guess this probably explains why I still haven’t been able to start reading my new book by Andrew McCabe, The Threat: How the FBI Protects America in the Age of Terror and Trump. I need to get a grip. (An order of egg foo young wouldn’t hurt, either.)

I get to see my visiting podiatrist on Friday. Toenails ahoy!

Yo, everybody. The Howdygram’s staff meteorologist (me) would like to report that it’s another cold, dark day here in Texas! The temperature outside is only 32° at 3 p.m., and that means I need a nice bowl of hot soup with my special spoon* and a second blanket. Where the fuck is SPRING already?!

Michael Cohen will testify today before the House Oversight Committee … at last!

Shalom and best wishes from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a dark, overcast day here in Texas … the first of many that we’re expecting over the next couple of weeks, as illustrated by the following screen grab from Weather.com. For now our daytime temperatures are “mild,” but that’s using general standards for March weather in North America. For Texas, this is awfully goddamn COLD.

Every day (in the right sidebar) we’ll feature the same head in a different outrageous hat.

It’s the wee hours of Monday morning, 2:43 a.m., and all’s well at Howdygram headquarters. Sam is in the study eating a breakfast croissant and I just finished watching a truly excellent movie: Hyde Park on Hudson (2012) starring Bill Murray and Laura Linney in a sweet, historically accurate remembrance of one weekend in the life of President Franklin Roosevelt in 1939. Sam and I both loved this movie to pieces and decided to keep it stored on our DVR for the time being. (We firmly believe that all good movies deserve repeat viewings.)

I wish the Texas legislature would stop fucking around with legitimate prescriptions for opioids.

It’s a cold (48°), rainy, foggy, and generally nasty morning here in the Dallas metro area. I’m shivering in bed under two afghans and Sam just left for his daily pre-dawn hike in the woods, this time in a down jacket, gloves and knit beanie. Seriously. It’s supposed to warm up later today (68° according to Weather.com) so I’m always amazed that Sam wants to walk at 5:30 a.m. when it’s still cold and dark.

Thank you for putting up with me.

Good morning to one and all. It’s 1:45 a.m., I’m wide awake, drinking iced tea and typing maniacally from my hospital bed in the family room. I wish I had a couple of Nutri-Grain bars to keep me company, but they’re in the kitchen and I’m bedridden.

I hadn’t thought seriously about chewing gum for decades.

Shit. I’m freezing. I don’t know if I have a fever (always a possibility) or if the temperature in the family room is a little too low, but if I could get my hands on a hat and mittens right now I’d be an awfully happy elderly camper. Actually, I haven’t eaten much today, so I’m thinking a serious lack of food might be the answer to this. I might consider waking Wolfgang (he’s asleep on the sofa) to ask for a nice Totino’s Supreme Party Pizza (only $1.06 from Wal-Mart) with iced tea and a Twinkie. Health food ROCKS.

Consider spending spring break at the Alamo this year. It can be as much fun as Disney World.

Happy Friday, everybody. It’s a few minutes past 5 a.m., Sam is getting ready to go for his morning walk in the woods, and I’m trying to decide whether or not I’m hungry. (Quick decision: I am.) Fortunately there’s some lovely and interesting leftover food in the fridge right now, specifically: 1) a very juicy Sam-made cheeseburger; and 2) one slice of pizza.

I’ve been really busy designing a flock of new greeting cards.

Oy. I have to hurry up and publish this post so I won’t be tardy with my annual attractive Valentine’s Day graphic. It’s 11:09 p.m., and I’d like to wish y’all a happy last-minute Valentine’s Day from Sam and me! (If it’s already too late in your time zone, I’ll try to do better next year.)

Two excellent frozen pizzas for senior citizens, up close and personal.

SUNDAY, 2/10/2019, 3:45 A.M. Holy shit … I’m freezing! It’s the wee hours of Sunday morning, I’m buried beneath two knit afghans (a tan one and a red one) and I’m still shivering! I suspect that my urinary tract infection is playing havoc with me right now. I’ve got all the usual symptoms and probably a low-grade fever, too … which is why I’ve been frozen solid since Sam went to bed at midnight. Even worse, the weather is atrocious, too. Today’s high will be 41° with constant rain starting around 10 a.m. and lasting until mid-day on Monday. Rain, rain, rain! (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!) And my arthritis sucks right now, too. Cold wet weather is just miserable for coots like me with shitty knees. GOD BLESS HYDROCODONE!

I’m old, I’m bedridden, I’m susceptible and I’m catheterized.

FRIDAY, 2/8/2019, 9:27 P.M. It’s a rather pleasant Friday evening here at Howdygram headquarters. While Sam enjoys his usual after-dinner nap I’ve decided to write a quick post because there’s all kinds of important shit you need to know. Grab a chair!

I’m in my hospital bed with a wireless Mac keyboard on my stomach.

It’s a balmy, lazy winter’s night in Texas. At 10 p.m. the temperature outside is still hovering at 74°, and Sam and I are in our favorite positions here in the family room … he’s asleep on the sofa, and me? I’m in my hospital bed with a wireless Mac keyboard on my stomach! The air-conditioning has been running since early this morning when I got so overheated I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

My night-time guilty pleasure? A whole Sara Lee cheesecake and a soup spoon.

This has been a weird yet profoundly productive day for your favorite bedridden invalid. My activities have included: 1) designing two mugs and four thrilling new greeting cards for The Howdygram Store; 2) one long nap; 3) brushing my hair twice; 4) eating a small plate of mozzarella sticks with pasta sauce; 5) watching three fine movies … She Wore a Yellow Ribbon (1949) starring John Wayne, The Court Jester (1955) starring Danny Kaye, Basil Rathbone and Angela Lansbury, and Anchors Aweigh (1945) starring Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra; 6) getting overheated and asking Sam to turn on the air-conditioning; and 7) eating a Hostess Ding-Dong.

The first time Sam and I saw this movie we nearly peed in our pants.

Happy Monday, boys and girls! It’s a few minutes past 7 a.m., Sam is still out for his daily “power walk” at a park in south Mesquite, and I just woke up from a juicy little nap. Just another typical morning here at Howdygram headquarters … but already with a truckload of pain in my legs, knees and feet. Therefore I just took my breakfast-time meds and 20mg of Hydrocodone. I know I’ll feel much better about half an hour from now. Hurry! 

I’d been dying to do this for about two years.

It’s a nice, lazy Saturday here at Howdygram headquarters, there’s nothing much going on, and I’ve been enjoying a pleasant movie called Keeper of the Flame (1942) starring Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn. This is probably one of the lesser-known Tracy/Hepburn pairings, but it’s definitely a good one and I’ve always liked this film. Co-stars include Keenan Wynn and Lucille Ball. As soon as it’s over I have to get back to binge-watching “Bar Rescue,” because more than 20 additional episodes are programmed to record on our DVR and if I fall too far behind I’ll never catch up. Oy, God forbid!

Wolfgang Marks, my brilliant chef-in-residence, made me a cheeseburger tonight.

Hi. Me again. It’s 10:37 Thursday morning and I just finished two recorded TV shows that Sam always refuses to watch with me … “Project Runway All-Stars” and “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.” (Trust me, I fully understand his objections.)

I stopped eating crunchy snacks, so the taste of salt is abhorrent now.

SUNDAY, 1/27/2018, 9:47 P.M. Hello and happy Sunday night from Howdygram headquarters! Sam is asleep on the sofa, so I thought this might be a fine time to launch another post while I try to bounce back from severe indigestion. I will never EVER eat Aidells Caramelized Onion Chicken Meatballs again. Sam bought them at Costco a couple of days ago, and they’re greasy, too heavily seasoned and exceptionally salty. I think what I hate most is the “exceptionally salty” part, because my diet changed dramatically when I found out last year that I have congestive heart failure. I stopped eating crunchy snacks, so the taste of salt is abhorrent now. (I haven’t even eaten one stinking Cheeto since 2017!)

Sam tried to wake me up Friday morning and almost couldn’t do it.

THURSDAY, 1/24/2019, 10:15 P.M. Wow. I’m definitely sick, y’all. About an hour ago, while I was enjoying this week’s episode of “Top Chef,” I realized I was feeling lousy, achy and hot as an iron … so I took my temperature and WHAMMO, it was 99.6°. And that’s substantial for me, because normal is usually 96°. I FEEL LIKE SHIT RIGHT NOW and my symptoms include all of the following: 1) a raging fever; 2) my hands and feet feel like they’re on fire; 3) the temperature under my boobs is probably 212° and hot enough to fry latkes; 4) muscle aches; 5) “electric shocks” in my thighs and feet from diabetic peripheral neuropathy; 6) a headache; 7) a muscle twinge in my back; and 8) a desperate craving for Pepperidge Farm Coconut Layer Cake, the last of which is pictured below for your possible interest.

I’m sticking with Adobe Creative Cloud.

Happy Thursday, boys and girls. It’s 1:08 a.m., Sam is in bed, and I’ve decided to spend a little time with the Howdygram because I have some juicy nooz to share with y’all. Here we go …

Here’s the classic definition of “declining.”

I’m not doing very well these days. It’s nothing major, really … just a bunch of little things all happening at the same time. I guess this is the classic definition of “declining.”

Sam and I bought a new Epson inkjet printer today.

Yo, everybody, and happy Wednesday to you and yours. Sam and I are enjoying an evening nosh and watching The Spirit of St. Louis (1957), the Charles Lindbergh Technicolor biopic starring James Stewart. This is a pleasant and historically accurate movie, and certainly one worth seeing (if you never have), even though James Stewart was already 50 years old when he made this film portraying Lindbergh at 25. It was a screwy casting choice, but Stewart was so damn popular that nobody apparently seemed to object. And he was good in the role! The entire movie is almost a one-man show, especially depicting Lindbergh’s 40-hour flight across the Atlantic, when Stewart talks to himself — and to a fly on the instrument panel — the entire time.

Classic Donald Trump: “The buck stops with everybody.”

Happy Sunday night from Howdygram headquarters. As I write this post I’m stretched out on my hospital bed in the family room and Sam is nearby, napping on the sofa. He looks incredibly comfortable. And we don’t give a shit that it’s winter.

“Bechamel Roman” is probably the most incredible font I’ve seen in a long, long time.

I think I owe you an explanation. While it was my intention to write a Howdygram post many days ago, I got sidetracked by feeling like total crap. Mostly I was having catheter issues again — resulting in serious leakage — and ongoing pain from the longest-running urinary tract infection (i.e., a UTI) in medical history. However tomorrow will be the “big day.” My hospice administrator promised results from the urine culture and sensitivity test that we sent to the lab on Monday, followed immediately thereafter by an emergency prescription for whichever antibiotic will cure the goddamn thing. Finally … it’s almost over. Stay tuned!

Life is good. I’ve been binge-watching endless episodes of “Bar Rescue.”

I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday. Get over it, okay? I was under the weather again with those goddamn burning spasms [see Saturday’s post] and just didn’t feel like expressing myself. Instead I filled my day with multiple bowls of Maruchan Hot & Spicy Bowl Noodles with Shrimp, a pair of orange Hostess cupcakes — these definitely looked better than they tasted — and binge-watching 27 episodes of “Bar Rescue.”

Will I have to bludgeon my nurse to death with a plastic soup mug?

This has been a day of behind-the-scenes suffering here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam is miserable tonight with a sprained neck, a migraine and miscellaneous body aches after a particularly physical demonstration for the hospice chaplain yesterday morning. He’s in a great deal of pain and just fell asleep on 10mg of Hydrocodone.

Please let me know if you’re making any plans to remember the Alamo this year.

It wasn’t my plan to write a Howdygram post tonight, but I’ve been through a roller-coaster ride of emotional turmoil today that deserves an explanation. So … here I am.

Happy New Year, everybody!

It’s 9:49 p.m. on New Year’s Eve. Sam’s unconscious on the sofa, I’m at my computer feeling moderately crappy, and That’s Entertainment I, II and III are playing live on Turner Classic Movies … because, quite frankly, if anything could make me feel better it would be an evening of classic MGM musicals. (And a handful of opioids.)