Sam is a 24/7 caregiver, nurse, chef, vaudeville comic (don’t ask) and launderer.

Yo, people. Welcome to Thursday night at Howdygram headquarters, where Sam is napping on the sofa nearby and I’m wrapped up in a fleece blanket on my hospital bed with a big glass of sugar-free peach soda and a bowl of pitted Greek olives.

A McDonald’s cheeseburger was the first solid food I’d eaten in eight days. (Oy.)

Hi-de-ho, dear readers, and welcome to the Howdygram.

I keep myself entertained with composition and high-speed typing.

Happy Saturday afternoon from Howdygram headquarters. Sam is taking a nap, so this is a great opportunity to work on my favorite hobby — the Howdygram! — and keep myself entertained with composition and high-speed typing. Welcome!

Fevers can be fatal for diabetic senior citizens.

I’m not posting very often any more. This time it’s been a combination of physical ills and emotional drain. I guess I’m just not too happy, and this is affecting damn near everything.

Sam thinks the key to my knee pain is the inclement weather we’re expecting.

Yo, everybody. Obviously it’s been a while since my last Howdygram post — almost six days! — and that’s because I’ve been so fucking MISERABLE. For instance, I’m struggling with: 1) such intense joint pain that I can barely move my arms, legs, knees, feet or ankles; 2) urinary tract spasms every time I pee, even without a catheter; 3) tremors in my hands, wrists and fingers and mouth that make it difficult to type or even talk; and 4) sleeping for eight to 14 hours at a time, multiple times every day. Believe it or not, I haven’t seen daylight for almost a whole week, because I’m typically awake all night and finally conk out before sun-up every morning. Last week I even slept through more than one C.N.A. visit (I get a bath every day) and my Friday appointment with a hospice R.N. named Rachel!

There’s no end to the entertainment possibilities around here.

In case you haven’t noticed, I made a few changes to the Howdygram’s banner! They are: 1) the logo is smaller; 2) the black outline is heavier; and 3) I’m using a different font for the tagline (“Made in Texas,” etc.) and a slightly larger point size.

Please keep an eye out for 2,000 pounds of contaminated ground beef.

This has been a very confusing day … completely upside-down. Here are the issues I’ve been dealing with, in case you give a crap.

If you want to remember the Alamo, please feel free to do so … as often as possible.

Hey, boys and girls … it’s a few minutes before 5 a.m. on Friday morning, Sam is in bed, and I thought it might be fun to launch a fresh Howdygram post at this screwy hour because I just ran out of ideas for greeting cards and there really isn’t anything else to do. I’d also like to throw in some free fonts.

I’ve got a long list of physical complaints and life-threatening hoo-hahs.

Hello. It’s a quiet January afternoon, I just finished a bath and hygiene session with my hospice C.N.A., and I’m feeling fresh and peaceful even though most of the time my life is fraught with health-related chaos.

Please remember Harry and Meghan in your thoughts and prayers.

Holy mother of crap … ANOTHER LOST DAY. It seems that I fell asleep this morning, shortly after a very early breakfast, and woke up at 8:45 p.m., barely an hour ago … feeling limp, lethargic and LOUSY.

Everybody knows it’s against the law to eat Greek olives without bread.

Mind if I whine for a few minutes? During the last couple of weeks I’ve had far too many diabetic hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) episodes. I know my symptoms well: 1) I get sweaty and clammy; 2) I’m hot; 3) my skin feels like I’m burning up with fever; 4) I feel dizzy and lightheaded; 5) my blood pressure gets very high; 6) I think I’m going to faint; 7) I have the “shakes”; and 8) I crave sugar. (Symptoms #2, #3 and #5 are new to the list.)

Ever heard of Bengay? This shit really works!

It’s ME again … your favorite useless bedridden blogger from Texas! I fell asleep this morning before sunrise, just in time for Sam to get home from Wal-Mart, where he bought me a miracle product from the pharmacy, pictured below for your possible interest. For the last couple of days the joint pain in my knees had been positively EXCRUCIATING, even when I was completely motionless in bed. Since I’m already taking the maximum dose of opioids, Sam decided to suggest Bengay cream … an idea from a short list of “last resorts,” and I agreed.

I had a horribly difficult bedpan experience last night. (Don’t ask.)

So here I am, enjoying a warm glass of sugar-free fruit punch (the ice melted a long time ago but I don’t want to wake Sam to ask for more), watching a favorite movie, Fatso (1980), starring Dom DeLuise and Anne Bancroft, and quietly pondering what I eventually want for a late dinner. I’m officially hungry now. You can tell your friends if you want to.

Here’s a short list of Howdygram-approved movies coming up on TCM.

Howdy-do from Howdygram headquarters! Sam and I just finished watching one of my favorite screwball comedies from the 1930s, Merrily We Live (1938) starring Constance Bennett, Billie Burke and Brian Aherne.

Ooh! Zazzle is having another half-price sale on greeting cards.

I woke up today at 4:30 p.m. — after an 11-hour nap! — shrieking for Sam to bring me a cane even though I haven’t been able to stand up since May 2018. That’s mighty damn weird, right?

I swear to God, even my HAIR hurts.

Lordy, lordy … it was the week from hell around here. I can’t even begin to describe it, but I’ll give it my best shot because that’s probably why you’re here, right?

Sam went pie-shopping today. He was a man with a mission.

Hello, people! It’s 11 p.m. Thanksgiving night, and our stomachs are hung by the chimney with care. Wait … wrong holiday. I’m confused. The problem is, Sam and I didn’t see hide nor hair of a turkey today … nor stuffing, nor gravy, nor lumpy mashed potatoes, nor cranberry sauce, nor pie of any kind whatsoever. We didn’t see hide nor hair of ANYTHING today … although Sam had a breakfast burrito for lunch and I ate a small plate of leftover chicken egg foo young around 4 p.m.

Canned tamales, a frozen Banquet Chicken Pot Pie, baked beans … Happy Thanksgiving!

Holy shit, what a week we’ve had.

Sam’s four-day fever finally broke early Tuesday morning — hallelujah! — allowing him to stand on his feet for more than 30 seconds without crumbling and even hold a brief conversation.

Please think some healing thoughts for Sam.

SUNDAY, 11/24/2019, 10:09 P.M. Yo, people. It’s a few minutes after 10 p.m. on Sunday night and Sam is still sick … DAY FOUR! He’s wrapped in a fleece blanket on the sofa and can barely stand up. I wish I knew what to do for him, poor baby. He’s been absolutely miserable. And when Sam is miserable, I’m miserable, too!

What happens when your caregiver gets sick?!

Happy Friday, boys and girls. I’m sad to report that my sweet Sam is sick. I’m thankful he gathered his wits — of which he has many! — and got in to see his doctor right away yesterday morning. The diagnosis …