The Howdygram 2: Good news … Howdygram headquarters no longer has a matzo ball shortage!

THURSDAY, 4/7/2019, 1:20 A.M. Yo, y’all. It’s the wee hours of Thursday morning (is 1:20 a.m. “wee” enough for you?), Sam is spread out in bed, and I’m fighting a case of middle-of-the-night restlessness, probably because I’m really, really hot right now and finally managed to peel off one of my knit afghans. (The red one.) I’m sure I’ll feel less agitated as soon as I cool off a little and give my recent dose of Hydrocodone a chance to kick in.

Hydrocodone fixes everything.

And as long as I’m discussing drugs, please allow me to share some yooge news ... my hospice M.D. just added another prescription to my medication arsenal! Yesterday I started taking DITROPAN — 5 mg once a day — to stop the burning bladder spasms associated with my perpetual urinary tract infection. I’ll let you know if this works (or not). Incidentally, if it does work I’ll have to bludgeon my hospice medical team for waiting so fucking long to suggest it, because I’ve been suffering with these miserable spasms since the middle of last year. In the meantime, of course, please hold a good thought for me because I desperately need Ditropan to work!

THURSDAY, 6:58 A.M. Yikes. I must have nodded off for a few hours. All of a sudden it’s 11 a.m. and Sam is at Wal-Mart picking up our grocery order! Woo-hoo! Today’s list includes all of the following: 1) Great Value Fresh Frozen Mixed Fruit; 2) bags of Bird’s Eye Steamfresh frozen cauliflower, Brussels sprouts and California blend vegetables; 3) a package of Fast Fixin’ Country Fried Steaks with real gravy; 4) a large and thrilling frozen Edwards Lemon Meringue Pie; 5) a box of ten Banana Twinkies; 6) four Banquet Chicken Pot Pies; 7) two gallons of iced tea; 8) a bag of Great Value Frozen Steak Fries; and 9) Wal-Mart Deli Macaroni Salad. Items #2, #3 and #4 posed for a casual portrait below.

I would like to mention that I also snagged another incredible grocery product today and one that I’ve been trying to find online after Wal-Mart stopped carrying it months ago. The item is Manischewitz’s Matzo Balls in Chicken Broth. After an extensive Google search I finally discovered my matzo balls at a very good price from Stock Up Express and ordered one dozen cans (the mandatory minimum). Stock Up Express promotes itself as an alternative to “big box warehouse clubs.” They carry mostly canned goods, coffee and paper products, and their prices seem to be higher across the board than Costco’s, but they did have my matzo balls … and shipping for one dozen cans was only $3.99, which surprised me! (I found Manischewitz canned matzo ball soup today from two other websites as well, but both of them were a lot more expensive and charged $15 for shipping!)

I should mention that Manischewitz’s canned matzo balls are not as good as homemade, although the flavor is pretty much on point. Sadly, there are no Jewish delicatessens here in the Dallas metro area, and Sam doesn’t know how to make matzo balls from scratch, so my only real option is cans. (The tall glass jars of Manischewitz matzo balls, which I prefer, are even harder to find, and I don’t think you can even order them directly from Manischewitz any more!)

For the record, here’s another product I’ve had a hard nailing down: Hostess SnoBalls. Wal-Mart always claims to have them in stock but every time I place an order they’re not available. Holy shit. HOW MUCH DISAPPOINTMENT CAN A GIRL STAND?

THURSDAY, 6:58 P.M. A few quick news-bites before I move along to other subjects, okay? First, PAUL MANAFORT, sleazebag political consultant and Herr Trump’s former campaign chairman, has been sentenced by a Northern Virginia court to nearly four years in prison for his crimes of tax fraud, bank fraud and failure to disclose foreign bank accounts. The sentence was a shocking disappointment (Judge Ellis is a certified idiot) but at least next week Manafort will be sentenced on two separate counts of conspiracy by the United States District Court for the District of Columbia, and each of those counts can carry an additional prison sentence of five years each. This dude is toast, as he’s already 69 years old and in really shitty health. (Note: Manafort hasn’t been indicted yet for any crimes relating to the actual Trump/Russia scandal. I hope he gets another 99 years in prison … and the same for his ex-boss!)

Second, I’ve already tried the frozen EDWARDS LEMON MERINGUE PIE that we got this morning from Wal-Mart, and it’s ABSOLUTELY SENSATIONAL. (I actually would’ve been happy with “terrific” or “average.”) Edwards makes a ton of different frozen pies — Key Lime, Hershey’s Chocolate Cream, Turtle, Georgia Pecan, Strawberry Cream, Triple Coconut Cream — which all sound pretty damn wonderful, but my personal favorites would always be anything that’s fruit flavored, in case you give a crap.

And finally … I’m starving, it’s almost 8:30 p.m., and I NEED SOME DINNER. I haven’t decided what I want, though, so I’ll have to give this some serious thought before I wake Wolfgang. He’s been asleep on the sofa for the last five hours! My options tonight include several different frozen Stouffer’s entrees (Fried Chicken, Meatloaf, Spaghetti with Meat Sauce), canned tamales, frozen Fast Fixin’ Country Fried Steak with real gravy, a Banquet Chicken Pot Pie, mozzarella sticks with pasta sauce and, saving the best for last (not really), Hormel Compleats Salisbury Steak.

I’ve got a cute sprinkling of free fonts for you … a lovely script (“Sensation”), interesting display fonts (“Harlekin,” “Florest,” “Happy Sans”) and a font that’s stuffed with cool mid-century George Jetson dingbats. Download links are included under the graphic.