I’d hate to lose control of my nipples. I’m so fond of them!

I’ve got lots of stuff to tell you this afternoon, okay? It’s a few measly minutes after 3 p.m. and I just woke up from a long, long, long, long sleep. I just I asked Sam “how long” and his only reply was “L.O.N.G.” I’m guessing maybe 18 hours. My cannula is driving me crazy,  the air jets hurt like hell, I can’t really remember the last time I saw daylight, and now we’re due for heavy rain for the next several days and it’s already dark as a dungeon outside. Blecch. I thought it was Monday but just realized I was wrong … it’s Tuesday! I have no recollection of Saturday or Sunday, either.

I decided to revamp the Howdygram’s subheads today.

Hello. It’s early Wednesday evening and I just woke up from a 14-hour (that’s not a typo!) nap. FOURTEEN HOURS. The last thing I remember is Sam giving me a bath at 3 a.m., and I felt so good that I passed out afterwards. Trust me, it wasn’t my intention to do that, because I had a lot of “plans” today! These included: 1) eating; 2) uploading at least 200 new designs for iPhone cases in The Howdygram Store; 3) contacting Wal-Mart via live chat to complain that a jar of pitted Greek olives broke in transit; 4) Repeat #1; and 5) Repeat #4. Got that?

“Gimbal Egyptian” is a slab serif super-font. Woo-hoo!

I just woke up from a 16-hour nap — seriously, 16 hours! — and thought it might be fun to engage in a little self-expression. You know, write something. It’s 3:15 on a strangely cold Saturday morning (only 46°, believe it or not) for Texas in mid-April, and I just finished an A+ perfect turkey sandwich on white toast with tomatoes. Sam makes the best sandwiches! And the most wonderful side dish was a pair of fabulous movies … Dark Victory (1939) starring Bette Davis and George Brent, and Mad About Men (1954), a sweet little comedy about a mermaid starring Glynis Johns and Margaret Rutherford.

China City had the gall to shut down on day one of the Coronavirus pandemic.

It’s a fresh, new day here at Howdygram headquarters. Today is Saturday, just a few minutes past “high noon,” Sam is asleep on the sofa, the weather outside is dark and depressing — no sunshine? what the fuck! — and I’m enjoying raspberry green tea and ordering tasty shit from Amazon. Because that’s what I do when I’m bored.

I’m pretty sure we’ll never experience a Greek olive shortage in Texas.

There’s still hope for America, boys and girls. Sam just got home from Wal-Mart and they had all the essentials we’ve been trying to find for the last few days … toilet paper, paper towels and paper napkins! He didn’t over-buy anything, either, so there’s enough left on the shelves for other shoppers. He also brought home a jar of Greek olives, but I’m pretty sure we’ll never experience a Greek olive shortage in Texas. (But you never know.)

Sam is the undisputed king of organization around here.

Happy Thursday night, boys and girls, and welcome to the Howdygram … your lighthearted alternative to COVID-19 and empty shelves at the local Wal-Mart.

Today’s free fonts are guaranteed kosher for Passover.

I don’t know whether or not I’ll be able to compose a Howdygram post tonight, because I’ve got a bad case of “tremors” in both hands, wrists and arms (also my right leg and both eyelids, but my leg and lids are immaterial). The thing is, whenever I try to pause typing my fingers continue to jerk around until I physically move my hands far away from the keyboard. It feels like my body’s been possessed by an alien!

There’s no end to the entertainment possibilities around here.

In case you haven’t noticed, I made a few changes to the Howdygram’s banner! They are: 1) the logo is smaller; 2) the black outline is heavier; and 3) I’m using a different font for the tagline (“Made in Texas,” etc.) and a slightly larger point size.

Ever heard of Bengay? This shit really works!

It’s ME again … your favorite useless bedridden blogger from Texas! I fell asleep this morning before sunrise, just in time for Sam to get home from Wal-Mart, where he bought me a miracle product from the pharmacy, pictured below for your possible interest. For the last couple of days the joint pain in my knees had been positively EXCRUCIATING, even when I was completely motionless in bed. Since I’m already taking the maximum dose of opioids, Sam decided to suggest Bengay cream … an idea from a short list of “last resorts,” and I agreed.

I’m having another “dead mackerel” experience.

Yo, everybody. I’m having another “dead mackerel” experience, feeling chilled, clammy and altogether lousy with a low-low-low body temperature of 94°. This is extremely unpleasant, so I’ve been trying to find ways to distract myself for more than an hour. I started with a ridiculous Shirley Temple movie from 1934 called Stand Up and Cheer (blecch!) and eventually wound up dicking around with the Howdygram’s text color. I changed it from aqua blue to a different shade of aqua blue, as pictured below.

Mister Sam of Beverly Hills was supposed to give me a haircut today.

Hi-de-ho, everybody … notice the big change up above in the Howdygram’s banner? I’ve been somewhat unwell for the last couple of days (details follow) so I decided to amuse myself with a new “look” and new graphics. If you’re not thrilled, hang in there. You’ll get used to it eventually.

I want to grab a short nap before someone starts yanking on my tubes again.

Happy Wednesday morning, boys and girls! It’s almost 3 a.m., and I’m waiting for Sam to wake up because I think I’M STARVING TO DEATH. He usually tumbles out of bed by 4 a.m. to enjoy a big pot of coffee and go for a two-hour walk while it’s still dark outside — retirement rocks! — but today I desperately need food before he gets involved in his regular routine. My request will include a toasted English muffin with pepper jack cheese, one large navel orange, a glass of iced tea and an excellent classic movie: Bombshell (1933) starring Jean Harlow and Franchot Tone. (This is actually an adorable screwball comedy that parodies Harlow’s life.)

I only have two nostrils.

Don’t get hysterical or recalibrate your monitor … in case everything looks slightly different but you can’t figure out what, I just spent half an hour tweaking the Howdygram’s colors! Now the text is a pleasant yet different shade of light blue instead of a dull blue/gray, and the post headlines are a darker navy than before. I also added some additional letterspacing here and there to make everything a little more legible.

Hostess SnoBalls are an amazingly fluffy confection.

We had some excitement around here this morning! After Sam noticed that a lot of our neighbors were having extensive roof work done due to recent hail damage, he invited one of the contractors to come over and inspect Howdygram headquarters.

I’d been dying to do this for about two years.

It’s a nice, lazy Saturday here at Howdygram headquarters, there’s nothing much going on, and I’ve been enjoying a pleasant movie called Keeper of the Flame (1942) starring Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn. This is probably one of the lesser-known Tracy/Hepburn pairings, but it’s definitely a good one and I’ve always liked this film. Co-stars include Keenan Wynn and Lucille Ball. As soon as it’s over I have to get back to binge-watching “Bar Rescue,” because more than 20 additional episodes are programmed to record on our DVR and if I fall too far behind I’ll never catch up. Oy, God forbid!

I stopped eating crunchy snacks, so the taste of salt is abhorrent now.

SUNDAY, 1/27/2018, 9:47 P.M. Hello and happy Sunday night from Howdygram headquarters! Sam is asleep on the sofa, so I thought this might be a fine time to launch another post while I try to bounce back from severe indigestion. I will never EVER eat Aidells Caramelized Onion Chicken Meatballs again. Sam bought them at Costco a couple of days ago, and they’re greasy, too heavily seasoned and exceptionally salty. I think what I hate most is the “exceptionally salty” part, because my diet changed dramatically when I found out last year that I have congestive heart failure. I stopped eating crunchy snacks, so the taste of salt is abhorrent now. (I haven’t even eaten one stinking Cheeto since 2017!)

The Howdygram has a new banner. Woo-hoo!

SATURDAY, 12/29/2018, 9:06 P.M. Hey! Notice anything new and different, boys and girls? I was dicking around with the Howdygram tonight … and we have a new banner! A change was long overdue, as I was awfully fed up with the goony old cowboy graphic I’d been using for the last few years. So while our logotype remains the same, there’s a new cartoon now plus a few other “tweaked” graphic elements. I hope you approve. (If you don’t, please just keep it to yourself. Thank you.)

Tonight’s late-night bedside buffet will include Del Monte zucchini and a jar of pickled beets.

It’s definitely been an annoying day around here. For starters, we’ve had too damn many stinking interruptions, including: 1) my hospice C.N.A. at 10:30 this morning for routine bathing and hygiene baloney; 2) two Wal-Mart deliveries; 3) a prescription delivery from the hospice pharmacy; and 4) I think that’s it. And with regard to item #2, we did not receive the canned Keystone Beef that I was expecting, and this was the third time that UPS rescheduled my delivery this week. The swine!

Eight days and counting … Sam goes to California and I go to a nursing home!

TUESDAY, 9/4/2018, 11:20 P.M. Hi-de-ho everybody and a happy Tuesday to y’all. It’s late Tuesday night, Sam is asleep on the sofa with Mister Furry — our oversized faux mink blanket — and I’m holding down the proverbial fort from a useful vantage point on the chaise nearby, here in the family room at Howdygram headquarters. Earlier today Sam made a trip to the store (Wal-Mart, of course) for a fresh load of Popsicles, canned zucchini, yogurts, Chef Boyardee Ravioli, frozen sausage biscuits and several dozen bottles of Clear American fruit-flavored sparkly waters. Tomorrow Sam will hit the mall to buy a new jeans belt for his trip to California next week, something that will impress his friends and relatives. You know what fashion mavens those Californians are!

I have to wreck some truly excellent progress by confessing to a few stupid setbacks.

After spending eight productive hours last night sitting at my computer workstation, I have to wreck some truly excellent progress — finally making headway against my latest urinary tract infection; inventing a new recipe even though I’m practically bedridden; eliminating all the horrible, dry “alligator” skin from my feet and shins — by confessing to a few stupid setbacks. I’ll begin, therefore, by discussing the aforementioned setbacks in question. They are: 1) my skin is splitting; 2) my nose is dried out from wearing a cannula all the damn time; and 3) at the moment I can’t think of anything else. However, the “splitting skin” mentioned in item #1 is probably about an inch long on the left side of my body … located parallel to my waistline, below my rib cage and slightly around towards my back. (Got that? There’s a biology quiz on Wednesday.) To me, it feels like a giant paper cut, and when I asked Sam to take a look at it last night with a flashlight, he said it looked like a giant paper cut ... and he said it’s been bleeding, too.