I’m not comfortable, well or happy right now. Not even a little bit.

I really hate it when I have to start a post like this, but please accept my yooge apology for taking a few days off. Obviously, this is my first post since last Saturday … and for two excellent reasons: 1) I was occupied doing something else; and 2) I also wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to depress anybody. Got that?

In case you give a crap, regarding item #1 (above) … “something else” would be using my few remaining waking hours to design one dozen new greeting cards and 32 chic new iPhone cases for The Howdygram Store, and #2 includes some ongoing health issues, such as burning bladder spasms multiple times every hour, allergy-style drippy eyes and nose, a pounding not-quite-a-migraine headache, and an inability to completely swallow food and/or beverages until I wind up with pressure in my chest like I’m having a goddamn heart attack or I’m forced to throw up. (Take your pick. Both outcomes suck.)

The point is, I’m not comfortable, well or happy right now. Not even a little bit.

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At the moment Sam and I are watching The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) starring Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland. This is one of Howdygram headquarters’ favorite go-to movies. It’s permanently stored on our DVR designated as a “sleeping movie,” because we know it so well we don’t mind sleeping through half of it. And that’s what Sam’s doing right now! (Actually, I think he conked out during the opening credits.) Next I think I’ll let him sleep through Elia Kazan’s Panic in the Streets (1950) starring Richard Widmark, Barbara Bel Geddes, Zero Mostel and Jack Palance. This one’s a fabulous, sweaty, nail-biting film noir thriller — about a possible plague epidemic! — that was filmed along the New Orleans waterfront. Panic in the Streets is stored on our DVR, too, and we actually watch it at least twice a month.

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It’s 10:50 a.m. Wednesday morning and I’m waiting for my hospice C.N.A. (Leticia) to show up for a routine bathing and hygiene session. She’s more than an hour late, but I don’t mind today. I had another horrible “swallowing” episode a little while ago when the pills I took at 8 a.m. never completely wound up in my stomach and I started belching a bitter, vile concoction of semi-dissolved prescription medications. I tried to fix the situation with my favorite frozen treat, but it didn’t work out very well and eventually I had to throw up a tropical Popsicle.

Do you have any idea how fucking pathetic this is? Jesus.

Let’s move on to other subjects for a while. I don’t want to depress myself.

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The Howdygram regrets to announce the death of adorable KATHERINE HELMOND, 89, of complications from Alzheimer’s. Helmond was a talented actress (one of Sam’s all-time favorites!) and comedienne who was best known for her work on popular TV series like “Soap,” “Benson,” “Who’s the Boss,” “Everybody Loves Raymond,” “Providence” and “Coach” in addition to a long list of films, including Time Bandits (1981), Brazil (1985) and Overboard (1987).

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Our other dead famous person today is LUKE PERRY, 52, who died on Monday from a massive stroke suffered several days earlier. Apparently lots of people — particularly females — are hysterical about this due to Luke Perry having been a yooge heartthrob for his role on the popular TV series “Beverly Hills, 90210,” which ran for ten seasons from 1990 to 2000. Perry was also well-known for his television work on “Another World,” “Oz,” “Jeremiah,” “Windfall,” “John from Cincinnati,” “Body of Proof” and “Riverdale.”

To tell you the truth, I had no idea who the hell this dude was until I saw his face and obituary popping up everywhere on Monday, and I only decided to include him here as a Dead Famous Person because I noticed my niece Allison gushing about Luke Perry on Facebook a couple of days ago. Apparently she used to have pictures of him on her bedroom wall when she was in junior high school. (For me, it was always Paul McCartney.)

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I think I need to take a nap now, as I’ve been nodding off for the better part of an hour, Sam is already unconscious on the sofa and I’m almost out of lemonade.

Thank you for reading this. Please do your best to remember the Alamo today, okay?