As you all know, Sam is in charge of emptying my catheter bag multiple times every day, and he also logs the amount of my total output on a daily basis in case anything is out of whack (too high, too low) or the hospice team requests the information. Yesterday, apparently, I was quite an over-achiever.
My routine “normal” total daily urine output is between 2,000 and 2,300 milliliters. When Sam emptied my bag this morning at 5 a.m. he said my 24-hour total had been 4,000. FOUR THOUSAND?! I truly consider this my personal best … almost twice as much pish as the day before!
Please feel free to send a congratulatory email at your earliest possible convenience. Thank you.
WHY DON’T I GET OUT OF BED AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I TRIED. In other words, I can see that you’re lying around like a lazy slug. GET UP.
HOW COME I DON’T TAKE VITAMINS. I’d probably be able to walk if I took vitamins!
DO I MISS SITTING ON THE SOFA TO WATCH TV. Sure. And I also miss shopping at Macy’s, pooping on a toilet and playing gin rummy with my sister. So what’s your fucking point?
HE NOTICES THAT I TAKE A LOT OF LASIX (a powerful diuretic) … but I also should be taking Potassium with that. (Okay. But why would this be MY decision?!)
HAVE I EVER THOUGHT ABOUT TAKING LESS HYDROCODONE. No. Thanks for asking.
DR. JAMAL WANTS A COPY OF THE MEDICAL RECORDS from my last hospitalization in May 2018 so he can look at the blood work results, specifically regarding my thyroid and potassium levels. He believes if I take the right OTC supplements I’ll be able to vault out of bed and clean the kitchen. I seriously wanted to slap this clown across the face. (See clown headshot up above.)
HOW COME I DON’T TAKE VITAMINS. I’d probably be able to walk if I took vitamins!
DO I MISS SITTING ON THE SOFA TO WATCH TV. Sure. And I also miss shopping at Macy’s, pooping on a toilet and playing gin rummy with my sister. So what’s your fucking point?
HE NOTICES THAT I TAKE A LOT OF LASIX (a powerful diuretic) … but I also should be taking Potassium with that. (Okay. But why would this be MY decision?!)
HAVE I EVER THOUGHT ABOUT TAKING LESS HYDROCODONE. No. Thanks for asking.
DR. JAMAL WANTS A COPY OF THE MEDICAL RECORDS from my last hospitalization in May 2018 so he can look at the blood work results, specifically regarding my thyroid and potassium levels. He believes if I take the right OTC supplements I’ll be able to vault out of bed and clean the kitchen. I seriously wanted to slap this clown across the face. (See clown headshot up above.)
Aside from his many annoying qualities, Dr. Jamal was also a JERK. Every time I tried to ask him a question he cut me off and spoke directly to Sam instead. After trying four times I just gave up. I suspect this may be a cultural bias (his surname is Arabic and he has an accent), but this kind of crap doesn’t play well in OUR house!
Now, of course, I’m having anxiety attacks about my official status with Accord Hospice. Does Dr. Jamal really think a few bullshit supplements will help me stand up and walk?! Obviously he never witnessed the crushing pain I experienced for the last few years … osteoarthritis pain (as sharp as knives!) in both knees, peripheral diabetic neuropathy pain (like electric shocks) in my feet, thighs and calves, plantar fasciitis pain from bone spurs, gigantic recurring blood blisters on the bottom of my heels, and gout in the little toe on my left foot. All at the same time.
Seriously, does this sound like something we can cure with vitamins? Jesus!
Take a look below the graphic for download links. “Stray Bullets” and “Frank Bold” are available directly from me via email.
I guess it’s time to sign off now, publish my post and try to decide if I need to use the bedpan before I go to sleep. It’s always something, isn’t it?
Thank you for reading this and please shut the lights when you’re done reading.
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