I think I might get back to sending birthday cards this year!

It’s a couple of minutes after 4 a.m. on Sunday morning, and I have no idea what the hell ever happened to Saturday. I think I slept for 22 out of 24 hours, never saw one stinking minute of daylight, and now I’m lying here in the dark, binge-watching “Bar Rescue” reruns, eating cashew butter — this stuff is so AWESOME! — from the jar with a plastic spoon and peeing like a race horse … actually eliminating far more liquid than I consume.*

There’s more to this story than pain.

I wanted to write a post several days ago but haven’t been awake long enough to string any meaningful sentences together. I do have lots to say, though, so I’ll try to take a stab at this. Get comfortable and pour yourself a glass of iced tea.

The Howdygram Store is already stuffed with 675 iPhone cases. I just designed another 175.

This is definitely a new one for me. I’d written the first half of a Howdygram post, nodded off for a couple of hours, and when I woke up I realized I must have had my hand on the keyboard because the screen was filled with commas, one afer another, on and on and on … so many that I couldn’t scroll far enough to reach the end of them. Blogger has a nifty auto-save feature, though, so I decided to quit my browser (Safari) and relaunch it, figuring the post should’ve been intact from before my comma key had a cerebral hemorrhage.

If you want to remember the Alamo, please feel free to do so … as often as possible.

Hey, boys and girls … it’s a few minutes before 5 a.m. on Friday morning, Sam is in bed, and I thought it might be fun to launch a fresh Howdygram post at this screwy hour because I just ran out of ideas for greeting cards and there really isn’t anything else to do. I’d also like to throw in some free fonts.

My life is certainly a whirlwind of fun and frivolity, isn’t it?

Sam and I had a rather blah Sunday. He’s been bored and cranky from the triple-digit heat — and the fact that you can’t go anywhere that involves parking your car in the sun — and I’m feeling achy and crappy even though we enjoyed a nice little bowl of chili for dinner (Sam and I always love a nice little bowl of chili) and watched one of our most cherished classic movies, Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen (1950), which we hadn’t seen for an awfully long time. Rather than delete The African Queen, though, I think I’ll save it in the “Keepers” folder on our DVR because I don’t want to wait another 10 years before I see it again.

I keep a typewritten list of my favorite snacks and groceries on the desktop of my iMac.

Yo, everybody! It’s 1:53 a.m. — the wee hours of Tuesday morning — and I want to tell you all about my late “bedtime” dinner a couple of hours ago. I had frozen peas and a big glass of sugar-free Crystal Light fruit punch. Honestly, it just doesn’t get much better than that. Peas and punch!

I only have two nostrils.

Don’t get hysterical or recalibrate your monitor … in case everything looks slightly different but you can’t figure out what, I just spent half an hour tweaking the Howdygram’s colors! Now the text is a pleasant yet different shade of light blue instead of a dull blue/gray, and the post headlines are a darker navy than before. I also added some additional letterspacing here and there to make everything a little more legible.

I would like to recommend Loma Linda Swiss Stakes with Tasty Tan Gravy in a Can.

Hello, people. Here’s wishing y’all a swell and peaceful Monday! It’s 4:45 p.m., Sam is in the study trying to find a photo on the Internet, and I’ve decided to squeeze in a Howdygram post while I’m still pain-free with no burning bladder spasms and no migraine headache. My project-of-the-week involves some drug experimentation.

“White Cargo” is the sweatiest movie ever made.

Happy Saturday morning from bright and sunshiney Texas. I started my day with a fistful of drugs and a few squirts of FloNase while Sam shuffles in and out of the house doing his springtime weed patrol thing. Just another typical weekend at Howdygram headquarters. I’m not joking.

I’m sick of the pain.

THURSDAY, 11/29/2018, 9:40 A.M. Good morning, y’all. It’s a beautiful, balmy Thursday morning here in north Texas! Sam is on his way to Costco, and I’m home alone with the TV remote and a big glass of iced tea. What could be better than this?

I’ve been re-learning how to eat chicken noodle soup.

MONDAY, 11/13/2018, 4:17 P.M. Know what I’ve been up to today? I’ve been re-learning how to eat chicken noodle soup. There’s a definite trick to this when you’re bedridden, people, and you need a special kind of bowl and different utensils. A few days ago I told Sam I really miss eating hot soup — I love hot soup! — since I’ve been confined to a hospital bed in the middle of our family room, so I decided to figure out how to make it happen.

I’m getting some Stouffer’s stuffed peppers tomorrow. I love stuffed peppers!

Know what? Sam will probaby strangle me for this, but I want to show the world how adorable he is. Because I’m a bedridden coot and he’s my only caregiver, Sam spends a lot more time at home than he used to. Which means he occasionally looks for indoor projects to fill his free time … and maintenance of the master bedroom closet has been one of them. So here’s what Sam did with his summer polo shirts last week … now they’re perfectly organized by COLOR. When I saw this picture I squealed!

My new senior citizen forklift is here. Whoa.

THURSDAY, 10/11/2018, 3:10 P.M. It’s here! It’s here! My new Senior Citizen Forklift — also known as a Hoyer Lift — finally showed up Wednesday afternoon around 5:30 p.m. along with a friendly young man named David who definitely did NOT want to see me naked … and even said so. (I was mildly insulted.) He provided Sam with some cursory information and operating instructions, but as soon as he left we knew we’d need a different style sling than the one that came with the lift, because it requires me to roll around in bed to get it on … and I don’t roll very easily. To tell you the truth, I can’t roll at all. So Sam said he’d do some investigation online to find a more comfortable (and easier-to-use) sling contraption. And here it is!

Manischewitz Beet Borscht is the perfect way to spend a lazy summer afternoon.

FRIDAY, 8/14/2018, 9:57 P.M. It’s a quiet Friday night here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam is asleep on the sofa, mumbling, and I just placed fabulous online orders with Wal-Mart — a six-jar set of Manischewitz Beet Borscht for yours truly, 12 pairs of socks for Sam and an ear wax removal kit — plus two nice pairs of fluffy, lightweight athletic shoes from Amazon, obviously for Sam as well because I haven’t been able to walk since the spring of 2012. Incidentally, I have a quick question about Fruit of the Loom’s ridiculous packaging claim: What the fuck are “EVERYDAY CUSHIONED ANKLES?”

Believe it or not, I’m still waiting for my new rolling computer desk from Amazon.

Hi, boys and girls! I thought I’d compose a second Howdygram post tonight ... because why the fuck not? It’s almost 9:30 p.m., the end of a quiet and relaxing day that included a refreshing bath at 6 p.m. when my hospice C.N.A. stopped by AND another fabulous unforgettable feast from Le Hospice Gourmet!

Big and little issues, an Einstein Award and another box of no-rinse shampoo caps.

I’ll bet you can’t guess what time it is. Give up? It’s 1:35 in the morning, and I’m wide awake due to a poorly-timed four-hour nap last night. You’re in luck, though, because I’ve decided to murder a couple of hours composing another Howdygram post! Woo-hoo! 

We finally decided to move my big iMac workstation from the study into the family room.

Happy Monday morning from the new “nerve center” at Howdygram headquarters! It is with total glee and joyful hysteria that I make the following yoooge announcement: Yesterday Sam and I made the momentous decision to relocate my big iMac computer workstation from the study to the family room so I won’t feel like somebody drained the life out of my body any more.

There’s a weekend of huge thrills coming up at Howdygram headquarters.

WEDNESDAY, 5/16/2018, 9:47 P.M. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with me tonight, but I haven’t felt very creative. Or cheerful. Or anything. I’ve started and deleted three Howdygram posts, and now it’s already approaching 10 p.m. and I’m ready to lie down and conk out. Jesus.

My BFF Sandi and I first met in summer school in 1963 … and she’ll be here on Friday!

This is something new for me … I’m lying on the chaise in the family room with my MacBook Pro balanced on my stomach. Wondering why? Because I was too fucking uncomfortable this morning to sit on the sofa!

The inside of our garage is an office chair graveyard.

Greetings and salutations from north Texas, where it’s dark, dreary, 42° and shrouded in fog. This is the kind of aggravating weather that makes housebound senior citizens such as yours truly want to beat their indoor plants to death with a cane. Or maybe I need to take an extra handful of anti-depressants.