The Howdygram 2: It’s never a good idea to call a person an asshole when he has a scalpel in his hand.

Happy Friday morning, everybody!

It’s a few minutes after 4 a.m., Sam’s in the study with his daily pot of coffee, and I want to bring something important to your attention before another whole day gets away from me for one reason or another. I’m referring to the first paragraph below … the one about “A Visit from the Hospice’s Nurse Practitioner.” Grab yourself a beverage and get comfortable, okay?

A VISIT FROM THE HOSPICE’S NURSE PRACTITIONER. She came yesterday for a quick visit, a very pleasant young woman who visits every patient once a month to make sure we still qualify for the Medicare benefits we’re receiving. Afterwards she told me that Sam is without a doubt THE BEST CAREGIVER SHE’S EVER MET. He’s kind, attentive, proactive, knowledgeable, organized, helpful, intelligent, always on top of things, very tall and fucking adorable. If there was an award for excellence in caregiving, Sam would win it hands down. And incidentally, it’s not just our nurse practitioner who feels this way, because everybody on our hospice medical team — R.N.s, L.V.N.s, C.N.A.s and more — all feel exactly the same. They love Sam. (And I do, too!)

IT’S BATHING AND HYGIENE DAY. Leticia will be here this afternoon for a routine bath, a hygiene session and a salon-quality shampoo. She didn’t come Wednesday this week because I was too busy throwing up with a migraine headache.

THERE’S NO BUSINESS LIKE TOE BUSINESS. This really has nothing whatsoever to do with my hospice care, but my visiting podiatrist, Dr. Wright, was here this morning around 9:15 to take care of my feet. This involved routine toenail maintenance, removing the insane ingrown corn hoo-hah on the baby toe of my left foot and the ingrown nails* on my big toes, collecting scrapings from “suspicious” areas for biopsies, and looking for any signs of skin breakdown. Dr. Wright’s entire visit is usually less than 20 minutes, but he’s hilarious, profane (oy, no shit!) and completely irreverent … the perfect podiatrist! Dr. Wright’s only flaw? He’s a DONALD TRUMP fan! Sam and I discovered this a few months ago but wisely decided to hold our tongues. It’s never a good idea to call a person an asshole when he has a scalpel in his hand.

Incidentally, Dr. Wright can’t figure out how a person (i.e., yours truly) who hasn’t worn shoes for at least five years can wind up with ingrown toenails. Truly a mystery for the ages, isn’t it?

I’ve only got a few free fonts for you today (five, actually) but three come with multiple styles and weights, so there’s a lot to love here. I’m especially fond of “Rama Gothic” and “Retrofunk.” In addition, “Ephire” includes a bunch of different weights, italics, and a wonderful dingbats font full of frames, ornaments, doodads and miscellaneous fancy crap. “Stonekids” is a layering font. I love layering fonts! Download links appear after the graphic.

Rama Gothic • Husna • Ephire • Stonekids • Retrofunk

Here are some examples from the dingbat font that’s included with “Ephire.” I love all of these adorable squiggly things and can’t wait to use them for greeting cards and various other creative projects for The Howdygram Store.

Earlier today I was afraid that another migraine was creeping up on me again when I felt an “aura” (tenderness) starting on the back of my head and slight pain behind my eyeballs. My hospice M.D. prescribed a new drug — Propranolol — to be taken with the rest of my migraine arsenal, including Xanax, Sumatriptan, Zofran, a high-powered dose of Acetaminophen and (my favorite!) Hydrocodone. Together all of these blessed drugs held the migraine at bay and the pain disappeared. Otherwise, trust me, there would be no possible way to stare at my iMac monitor right now.

The point is, Propanolol isn’t really a drug for migraines … it’s a drug for high blood pressure that also stops migraines. Side effects can include dizziness, lightheadedness, fainting and very slow heartbeat, all signs that my blood pressure and heart rate may be dangerously low, and this is why my hospice Director of Nursing told Sam that we should buy a blood pressure wrist monitor to check my status several times a day. Especially if I start exhibiting any of these side effects.

Frankly, I expect to start exhibiting all of them, because I’ve been taking a similar drug — Metoprolol, 25 mg twice a day — for high blood pressure since 2012. I initially took 50 mg twice a day but my cardiologist cut in in half when I had fainting spells. Get my drift?

Our new medical gadget will be delivered tomorrow (Saturday). Since my blood pressure is already fairly low (typically about 100/58), Propanolol will most likely wreak considerable havoc with that. Say tuned for additional information but please feel free to resume your normal routine in the meantime.

Thank you for reading this. Whether or not you choose to remember the Alamo is totally up to you.