The Howdygram has a new banner. Woo-hoo!

SATURDAY, 12/29/2018, 9:06 P.M. Hey! Notice anything new and different, boys and girls? I was dicking around with the Howdygram tonight … and we have a new banner! A change was long overdue, as I was awfully fed up with the goony old cowboy graphic I’d been using for the last few years. So while our logotype remains the same, there’s a new cartoon now plus a few other “tweaked” graphic elements. I hope you approve. (If you don’t, please just keep it to yourself. Thank you.)

I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stand the pain from this goddamn urinary tract infection.

THURSDAY, 12/27/2018, 9:59 A.M. Happy Thursday morning from Howdygram headquarters. Sam is on his way to Costco for our usual weekly haul of amazing food, including: 1) teriyaki meatballs; 2) a tub of chicken salad with pecans and cranberries; 3) maybe cheese; 4) breakfast burritos; 5) ground coffee; and 6) a couple of essential OTC pharmacy-aisle items. He should be home within the hour, at which time we’ll take up a subject of critical importance … an early lunch.

Merry Christmas, y’all.

Howdy, good morning, shalom, and I want to wish our goyishe friends and relatives A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS from Sam and yours truly! It’s presently 7:54 a.m. on Christmas morning, Sam just got home from a two-hour walk in the woods — yes, we live near actual woods — and only moments ago I took a large wad of pills to jump-start my day. Trouble is, I honestly can’t recall whether or not I included a couple of Hydrocodone tablets … but if I still feel like shit an hour from now I’ll have my answer.

Spending your life as a bedridden invalid doesn’t mean you’ll ever be comfortable or well-rested.

Good morning, boys and girls. It’s Saturday morning, 3:40 a.m., and I’m trying to find various ways to relax. I haven’t had any sleep yet because I’m feeling jumpy. My feet, legs and hands are zapping me with constant electric shocks, courtesy of diabetic peripheral neuropathy. (It’s like having “restless leg syndrome” all over my body.)

Saturday’s highlight: An unexpected catheter change.

Jesus, what a day. It started normal enough, I guess, but eventually devolved into a pishing session multiple times every hour … and NOT into my catheter bag. I was lying in bed, peeing all over myself and making a complete mess of everything. We called my regular hospice R.N., Stella, who drove in all the way from Fort Worth to take care of me. Bottom line … I needed an unexpected catheter change, because an individual is NOT supposed to leak pee when she’s catheterized! Today’s experience was not a pleasant one (to say the least), so I think I’d better just move on. Thank you for putting up with me.

Some years ago I was diagnosed (by an actual therapist) with an “addictive personality disorder.”

It really hasn’t been my intention to ignore the Howdygram, but in recent days I’ve been completely wrapped up in The Howdygram Store — designing and uploading 116 new products from the comfort of my hospital bed — as well as creating three new marketplaces on Zazzle.com. As soon as they’re open for business (hopefully by the first of the year), they will be: Cases by Marcy, Mugs by Marcy and Cards by Marcy, each one focusing on a specific product line. The Howdygram Store, of course, will continue to sell everything.

We had an excavation hoo-hah here.

Yo, shalom,  howdy and how’s the family from the best address in the Lone Star State. It’s Friday morning, 7:36 a.m., and I apologize for taking a few days off this week (i.e., I haven’t posted here since Monday). There’s nothing wrong, really … I was just concentrating on developing and designing additional products — holiday cards, iPhone cases, luggage tags, etc. — for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle. I also spent a great deal of time on Wednesday opening three additional stores, although at this point I’m not really sure I’ll ever use them. (Details follow in case you give a shit about this.)

Captain Parmenter died on Saturday.

Happy Sunday night from Texas. y’all. I’ve had a mostly-abyssmal day that included: 1) relentless burning pain from the world’s shittiest urinary tract infection; 2) a panic attack; 3) getting very sweaty for no reason; and 4) not enough to eat even though Sam let me have a slice of his private apple pie. (Yes, he has private apple pies!)

Seriously, I’m forced to make sounds that would terrify Bigfoot.

Yo. It’s a few minutes past 9 p.m. and I’ve had a rather restless evening so far. I’m still struggling with incessant burning pain from a stubborn UTI, although relief should be kicking in shortly because I finally started taking a new prescription today: Pyridium. It’s designed to work in tandem with an antibiotic to relieve some of the worst symptoms of a kidney infection, i.e., burning pain so fucking intense that I’m forced to make sounds that would terrify Bigfoot. Jesus!

I’m sick of the pain.

THURSDAY, 11/29/2018, 9:40 A.M. Good morning, y’all. It’s a beautiful, balmy Thursday morning here in north Texas! Sam is on his way to Costco, and I’m home alone with the TV remote and a big glass of iced tea. What could be better than this?

I design the most adorable luggage tags in the world.

Hello, hello, hello! It’s 10:45 p.m. on a swell Monday night. Sam and I are waiting for a delivery from the hospice pharmacy and watching a cute romantic comedy, Breakfast for Two (1937) starring Barbara Stanwyck, Herbert Marshall and Glenda Farrell. In case you're interested, I'm expecting refills for some of my maintenance drugs ... Amitriptyline, Furosemide, Metoprolol, Gabapentin, Allopurinol and Trazodone. The pharmacy delivers until 1 a.m. (seriously!), so there’s really no way to predict what time they’ll get here.

I’m finally using the latest and greatest versions of Adobe’s Creative Cloud software.

It’s Saturday, a few minutes past 5:30 p.m., and I think I’m finally through with my graphic design projects for today … mostly because my back hurts, my knees hurt, I’m cold, I’ve got a stuffed nose and there’s nobody to talk to because Sam is unconscious on the sofa. He’s still having some severe pain from his teeth — yes, more than one! — and continues to take substantial pain meds that knock him out. I suppose my next good opportunity for human conversation will come on Tuesday morning when our hospice social worker — sweetie-pie Theresa — will be here for a visit.

We’ve decided to postpone Thanksgiving for a couple of days because Sam has a toothache.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! It’s a few minutes after 8 a.m. and I hope you’ll indulge me for a moment so I can post my annual tacky holiday graphic.

Prescription refills make me want to blow my brains out.

It’s Sunday morning, 5:34 a.m., and there’s a lot going on at Howdygram headquarters right now! Sam and I are both wide awake — I never fell asleep last night and he’s been up since 3 a.m. — and actively involved in various projects. I’m fine-tuning this Howdygram post, and Sam is doing laundry. (I can see him running around in the back hallway.) I decided not to write a Howdygram post yesterday. Instead, I spent nine hours glued to my iMac workstation … designing my new line of iPhone cases for The Howdygram Store! Woo-hoo! I’ll include a little more detail (with pictures!) down below. Keep reading …

I have five options for entertainment here.

It’s a bright and sunny Friday, almost 8:30 in the morning, and I never slept a wink last night. Not a single fucking wink! Under the circumstances I really don’t feel too lousy, although I’m sure not sleeping will hit me later like a ton of bricks. By the way, somebody please remind me to ask my R.N. [send me an EMAIL] for a stronger bedtime sedative when I see her today! She’ll be here at 11 to check my vital signs and treat the crappy skin and pressure sores on the back of my thighs. And, of course, my C.N.A. will be here at 10:30 for bathing and hygiene. It’s a busy, busy morning for your favorite bed-bound invalid.

It’s been a busy, productive and highly creative day.

WEDNESDAY, 11/14/2018, 8:19 P.M. I didn’t feel very well today. After my C.N.A. left this morning at 11 (she was here for my Wednesday bathing and hygiene session) I felt achy, thrashed around in bed for a couple of hours, adjusted and readjusted the angles of my head and knees … but I absolutely could NOT get comfortable no matter what I did. I transitioned between hot to clammy to chills, with sporadic gas pains. But when I finally decided to take my temperature — BLAMMO! — that’s when I figured out I had a low-grade fever. So I took two Hydrocodone tablets (each tablet contains 325mg of Tylenol) and eventually felt better by dinner-time. I’ve been eating Popsicles to cool myself off. Sam decided to sleep in the family room with me tonight in case I need him. Thank you, Sam … 

I’ve been re-learning how to eat chicken noodle soup.

MONDAY, 11/13/2018, 4:17 P.M. Know what I’ve been up to today? I’ve been re-learning how to eat chicken noodle soup. There’s a definite trick to this when you’re bedridden, people, and you need a special kind of bowl and different utensils. A few days ago I told Sam I really miss eating hot soup — I love hot soup! — since I’ve been confined to a hospital bed in the middle of our family room, so I decided to figure out how to make it happen.

Kindly humor me for a few minutes while I share the story of Marcy’s Catheter Hoo-Hah.

It’s the wee hours of Monday morning, just a few minutes before 1 a.m., and I thought this might be a fine excellent opportune moderately convenient time to begin another post. I just finished watching Victor/Victoria (1982) starring Julie Andrews, Robert Preston and James Garner, and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t fall asleep right now even if I tried.

Thanksgiving is meaningless for us now as a “foodie” holiday. Blintzes, anyone?

Know what’s really fucked-up? I was just online Googling random shit in the middle of the night and decided to click a link to a website about the early warning signs of Multiple Sclerosis. Incidentally … NEVER DO THIS, dear readers, because you’ll always find a way to convince yourself that you’ve got whatever deadly disease — and designer drug — they’re selling today.

You need a really strong stomach to watch a sappy Gary Cooper movie.

Yo, everybody. It’s 7:15 p.m. on a cold Friday evening here in north Texas. According to the meteorology gods at Weather.com we’re expecting the low tonight to dip down to 32° … and that’s damn cold for us at this time of year because our temperatures are typically in the 60s through New Year’s Day.

I didn’t write a single word of Howdygram copy yesterday due to a severe case of the “drowsies.”

TUESDAY, 11/06/2018, 10:16 A.M. It’s Election Day, and Sam is on his way to Tom Thumb to buy his Election Day Pumpkin Pie. To tell you the truth, I’m not interested in following any dragged out Election Day results on TV, or even online, because I just spent the last two years of my life with a revolting GOP anvil in the pit of my stomach, and I simply can’t take any more of this. Therefore this evening I plan to take an extra Hydrocodone (or two) and sleep until the results are final. You know … until TOMORROW.

Do the right thing. Eat a healthy breakfast on Tuesday and remember to vote for Democrats!

Dear Howdygram readers:

If you haven’t already voted, today is Election Day … and it’s your chance to do the right thing. PLEASE VOTE A STRAIGHT DEMOCRATIC TICKET … and let’s take back America! Make plans to get to your polling place early today, and remember to bring along the right I.D.

Thank you.

Somebody wake me when the shit’s over!

SATURDAY, 11/3/2018, 9:45 P.M. Holy mother of crap … we’ve got YOOGE THUNDERSTORMS rolling through here right now! Overall their features include: 1) thunder; 2) lightning; 3) flickering power; 4) pounding rain; 5) crazy wind; 6) a ton of noise; and 7) general scariness. Sam is sitting in the garage with the overhead door open, enjoying the show and maybe drinking a bottle of Clear American fizzy water. It’s 68° outside and a very pleasant time of night for storm appreciation. As for me, I’m enjoying a bottle of Diet Snapple Peach Tea and watching Support Your Local Sheriff (1969) starring James Garner, Harry Morgan, Walter Brennan, Joan Hackett … and Bruce Dern as the hilarious town moron, Joe Danby. I don’t think it gets much better than this, do you?

Ocean Spray’s Cran-Pineapple flavor is even better than lasagna.

FRIDAY, 11/2/2018, 11:35 A.M. Good morning from Howdygram headquarters! I’m sipping a large tumbler of Diet Ocean Spray Cran-Pineapple juice and Sam is on his way to pick up another Wal-Mart Grocery order. Upon further consideration, however, and because I truly have absolutely nothing better to do with my life … I’ve tried a lot of Ocean Spray’s flavor combinations and firmly believe that Cran-Pineapple, pictured at left, is definitely the best of the lot. For the record, I think it’s even better than lasagna! (Cran-Raspberry runs a close second.)

Happy birthday to me!

First of all, before I forget, please allow me to illustrate the importance of November 1. You already know the song and the melody, so please join in!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL US BEDRIDDEN OLD COO-OOOTS,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

Trick or treat, smell my feet!

Let me launch this post with a rousing HAPPY FUCKING HALLOWEEN from the Howdygram! We enjoyed a dark and stormy day here in north Texas, with our first round of heavy thunderstorms plowing through around 8:30 a.m. … and I’m not kidding about this, either. It was definitely umbrella weather!

I’m so happy I could have a stroke … “Journey to the Center of the Earth” is on FXM this week!

Happy Monday morning from Howdygram headquarters! It’s 2:26 a.m., and I’m trying to amuse myself until Sam gets out of bed and moseys into the kitchen to turn on the coffeemaker. At that point it may also be bedpan time … an event that requires no additional explanation whatsoever. Deal with it, okay?

I’m launching a new line of custom iPhone cases for The Howdygram Store.

Yo. It’s 3:15 Sunday morning, Sam is in the study with a large pot of coffee, and I’m struggling through the bloody Russian Revolution with Nicholas and Alexandra (1971) starring Michael Jayston and Janet Susman. Mostly I love the parts with Rasputin because he’s such an obnoxious pig. However, if you really want to see a blistering screen portrayal of Rasputin you should check out Rasputin and the Empress (1932) starring Lionel Barrymore as the “mad monk,” Ethel Barrymore as the Czarina Alexandra and Ralph Morgan as the Czar. Lionel’s performance is absolutely brilliant, hysterically theatrical and over-the-top.

I’m having blintzes for lunch!

It’s the “wee hours” of Saturday morning. Sam is in bed and I should be asleep, too … except I’m not. Friday was a difficult day for me because I couldn’t get comfortable. My typical go-to plan is to lie my hospital bed flat, raise the knees all the way so I can slide myself down to the head of the bed, and then raise myself back up until I can focus my eyes on the TV again.

Incidentally, Sam has been suffering, too ... every miserable step of the way.

Without consulting anybody whatsoever I decided to forego composing Howdygram posts on Tuesday and Wednesday for a couple of solid reasons: 1) I didn’t want to; and 2) I spent both days sleeping off the stress, anxiety and pain from Monday. And it wasn’t just a shitshow for me, because Sam suffered, too … every miserable step of the way. By the time we finished with the “bedpan hoo-hah” around midnight on Monday we were so shredded, emotionally, that Sam decided to sleep in the family room with me and not go to bed at all.

This has been a day from hell.

SUNDAY, 10/21/2018, 2:57 P.M. There’s something yooge to report this afternoon: I’m using my iMAC WORKSTATION right now! Sam and I figured out how to set up the iMac on my rolling tray table, and because my new lap desk won’t be delivered until tomorrow (Monday) I’ve got the keyboard balanced on a sheet of ordinary foam rubber. It’s all working fine! As a matter of fact, there’s a chance that I may not need that new lap desk at all. Stay tuned! Woo-hoo!

I’m really anxious to get back to my creative life again.

Good morning to you, one and all. Also shalom in case you didn’t know, or had forgotten, that Sam and I are Jewish.

After comparing four potential new Medicare Advantage plans for 2019, I’m pleased to announce my decision! I’ve decided to sign up for the Blue Cross Medicare Advantage Choice Plus (PPO) with a $0 monthly premium. The other three plans also had a $0 monthly premium … but Blue Cross stood out from the rest with its cheaper drug coverage.

I’m getting some Stouffer’s stuffed peppers tomorrow. I love stuffed peppers!

Know what? Sam will probaby strangle me for this, but I want to show the world how adorable he is. Because I’m a bedridden coot and he’s my only caregiver, Sam spends a lot more time at home than he used to. Which means he occasionally looks for indoor projects to fill his free time … and maintenance of the master bedroom closet has been one of them. So here’s what Sam did with his summer polo shirts last week … now they’re perfectly organized by COLOR. When I saw this picture I squealed!

My new Senior Citizen Forklift is here. Part two.

MONDAY, 10/15/2018, 2:37 A.M. On Sunday afternoon Sam and I tried out my new Hoyer Lift. It had been here for several days already, but we were waiting for the new sling I ordered from Amazon. It came Sunday morning and involved a fucking ton of trial and error until we figured out how to use it without causing excruciating pain to the back of my miserable thighs, which are covered with a disgusting quarter-inch thick layer of dry crusty skin that peels off — and bleeds profusely — on contact. Sometimes I feel like a creature from a science fiction movie.

Get fabulous and very affordable eyeglasses from EyeBuyDirect.com.

Happy Saturday evening, boys and girls! I’d like to begin with a shameless commercial for my new best friend, EyeBuyDirect.com. My new eyeglasses came in the mail today, and I’m pleased to announce that they’re perfect in every imaginable way. Perfect fit, perfectly-ground lenses, perfect frames (mine are pictured below) … and an incredibly perfect price for progressive trifocals with anti-glare coating and UV protection. Only $108! And believe it or not, right now they’re running a yooge sale: BUY ONE GET ONE FREE!

My new senior citizen forklift is here. Whoa.

THURSDAY, 10/11/2018, 3:10 P.M. It’s here! It’s here! My new Senior Citizen Forklift — also known as a Hoyer Lift — finally showed up Wednesday afternoon around 5:30 p.m. along with a friendly young man named David who definitely did NOT want to see me naked … and even said so. (I was mildly insulted.) He provided Sam with some cursory information and operating instructions, but as soon as he left we knew we’d need a different style sling than the one that came with the lift, because it requires me to roll around in bed to get it on … and I don’t roll very easily. To tell you the truth, I can’t roll at all. So Sam said he’d do some investigation online to find a more comfortable (and easier-to-use) sling contraption. And here it is!

I’m still waiting for my Hoyer Lift and my progressive trifocals from EyeBuyDirect.com.

A quiet, pleasant Monday evening to you from north Texas! We’ve got fairly heavy rain passing through here right now … a comforting sound that apparently isn’t interrupting Sam’s serious nap on the sofa. It’s not interrupting me, either, as as matter of fact. I was enjoying a cute Joan Crawford movie — I Live My Life (1935) with Brian Aherne, the one where he’s an archaeologist on a Greek island — but I decided to turn it off altogether and work on this Howdygram post instead. I guess it’s time to get back on schedule now that my weekend visitors are gone!

We’ve got major USDA recalls for ham and eggs. America is a fucking mess!

It’s the “wee hours” of Sunday morning — 12:47 a.m., to be exact — and I’ve decided to begin a new Howdygram post rather than go to sleep, and sleep would be the sensible option right now as I keep nodding off.

If you don’t want to remember the Alamo, I have no problem with that whatsoever.

Here’s wishing y’all a very happy Saturday morning from north Texas! It’s actually 3:01 a.m. as I begin this post, and I hope you’ll allow me to paint the picture for you. Sam is asleep, I’ve finished my bedtime Popsicles, there’s an oxygen cannula up my nose and I just (finally) turned off the TV, as My Sister Eileen (1942) starring Rosalind Russell and Janet Blair doesn’t really offer much in the way of soothing background stimulation. It’s just noise.

I had a brainstorm yesterday. Tell Sam to call the paramedics!

I don’t know why I’m writing a Howdygram post when I really should be eating Popsicles and watching Lawrence of Arabia (1962) starring Peter O’Toole and Omar Sharif. Obviously I’m unable to make very wise decisions any more. Frightening, isn’t it?

At 3:45 a.m. this morning I ordered ritzy progressive trifocals with very adorable frames.

Happy high noon from Howdygram headquarters! The last 24 hours have been surprisingly eventful around here, as evidenced by the following …

MOBILE VISION, THE GRAND FINALE. On Monday morning Sam canceled my order with the annoying deadbeats at Mobile Vision for the extra pair of progressive trifocals they were supposed to make for me. They had forgotten about them for a whole goddamn month. We asked for a refund of our $342 and a copy of my prescription via email. By 3 p.m. I had received BOTH.

I can’t think of a title for this post. Sue me.

SATURDAY, 9/29/2018, 11:09 P.M. Sam and I are enjoying a highly pleasant Saturday evening around here even though I can’t really describe it in too much detail due to unexpected naps that wipe out most of my short-term memory. If I sound like a mess, you’re probably right. A few of my other difficulties include: 1) muscle cramps in my upper arms; 2) I keep forgetting to eat things; 3) coughing up lung crap; 4) being one thousand percent sick to death of the news; 5) Sam forgot to turn on my oxygen generator when he went to bed tonight; and 6) intermittent severe burning in my catheter tube that signifies, in conjunction with an ongoing low-grade fever, the arrival of another GUTI (goddamn urinary tract infection). I’m not especially happy or cheerful tonight. Meh!

It’s been quite a weird day for taste buds around here.

Yo, boys and girls, and a happy Friday night to you and yours! It’s 9:35 p.m. as I write this post … and I’m feeling peppy, cheerful, silly, and fucking annoyed … because Sam just discovered that my hospice C.N.A. screwed up badly when she was here this afternoon for my Friday bathing and hygiene session. Apparently she forgot to shut the valve on my catheter bag after she emptied it … so my catheter had been pouring itself onto the carpeting for six fucking hours! Disturbing, sad, aggravating, sloppy. We’re not happy.

My oxygen generator just died. It became obvious when water started pouring out of my cannula.

Every now and then I have an exceptionally wonderful week … and this is one of them! For your possible interest I’ll itemize the aforementioned exceptionally wonderful events. Thank you very much.

I STOOD UP ON MONDAY. Following some disappointing setbacks last week I honestly didn’t know whether or not I’d ever be able to stand again, so this was a complete and pleasant surprise. Therefore, after my hospice nurse finished her checkup on Monday afternoon I decided to spend some time using my computer workstation, which was accomplished by sitting on the side of my bed and Sam wheeling the computer desk over to me. Then I asked for some time on the commode, which (of course) involved standing up. And I’m delighted to report that I stood easily, used the commode to successful completion (draw your own conclusion), stood up a second time while Sam wheeled the hospital bed behind me again. The entire hoo-hah was easier, less painful and less stressful than either of us expected. Thank God. I’m feeling very encouraged and empowered now.

I’m definitely off schedule. Forgive me.

Hello, shalom and how’s-the-family from the best little hospital bed in Texas! Our busy Monday afternoon finally calmed down into a lazy, quiet evening after visits from: 1) my hospice C.N.A. for Monday bathing and hygiene; 2) my hospice R.N. for a weekly checkup; and 3) our hospice social worker, Theresa the Bubbling Chatterbox, a woman who’s so perfectly suited to her profession it could make your brain explode.

We’ve had a lot of fucking rain around here. Almost seven times more than average. Whoa.

Yo. It’s a few minutes past midnight but I haven’t actually decided if I feel like writing a Howdygram post or not. I had a difficult and emotional day on Saturday that turned out to be another sad milestone in the deterioration of my overall health. For instance, Sam and I had to accept that I will no longer be able to get out of bed … not counting occasional use of my portable commode once or twice a week.

Milestone! I just ordered an electric ladies’ shaver and a package of 12 Scünci barrettes!

Friday evening is slowly slipping away from me. It’s 11:30 p.m., Sam is on the sofa nearby and I’m drifting in and out of sleep on my beautiful FULL-SIZE HOSPITAL BED here in the family room. No kidding, I’m already feeling a huge difference on my lower back and shoulders, and there’s also more room to move my legs and feet. And if I get bored I can ride up and down just for the hell of it. This is a very wonderful thing!

I need more sleep and I need it now. Thank you for reading this.

THURSDAY, 9/20/2018, 11:15 P.M. Good evening, boys and girls. Sam and I have been napping through some fine films tonight. So far these have included At War with the Army (1950) starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis and The Big Lift (1950) starring Montgomery Clift and Paul Douglas. Plus two episodes of “The People’s Court.”

I think the Alamo is worth remembering only if you don’t have anything else to do.

My very own hospital bed: DAY TWO.

After sleeping, living and eating for six years on a chaise lounge, my back and shoulders are still adjusting to the extra support from a traditional mattress. I know I’ll get used to this, because I had a good night’s sleep last night, that’s for sure.

I’m not so good with change any more, or anything new in my life.

I’m writing this post from the sublime comfort of my brand new AUTHENTIC, ADJUSTABLE HOSPITAL BED, right here in the family room at Howdygram headquarters! The bed was delivered late this morning, assembled in less than 15 minutes, and then Sam ran over to Wal-Mart to buy a set of twin sheets, laundered them, and then — here’s the screwy part — arranged for four paramedics from the Mesquite fire department to help me stand up from the chaise lounge and sit me down on the hospital bed. FOUR PARAMEDICS! When I finally got into bed and adjusted the height and knees and head, I was so damn exhausted that I conked out for five whole hours.

At long last, my chaise lounge will be replaced tomorrow by an authentic, full-size hospital bed.

I suppose I always knew this would happen eventually. Tomorrow morning my beloved chaise lounge, the virtual nerve center of Howdygram headquarters and the chair on which I’ve slept day and night in the family room for the last six years, will be replaced by an AUTHENTIC, FULL-SIZE HOSPITAL BED.

With enough good drugs a person can do anything!

Lazy, lazy, lazy. It’s 12:48 Monday morning, and I haven’t felt motivated or enthusiastic enough for two whole days to get up and sit at my computer workstation. I’m already psyching myself up for tomorrow, though. I’ll definitely get up tomorrow. My hospice C.N.A. will be here at 10:30 for our Monday bathing and hygiene hoo-hah, and afterwards I’ll load up on my opioids — liquid Morphine and 20mg of Hydrocodone — and do what I need to do. With enough good drugs a person can do anything!

Manischewitz Beet Borscht is the perfect way to spend a lazy summer afternoon.

FRIDAY, 8/14/2018, 9:57 P.M. It’s a quiet Friday night here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam is asleep on the sofa, mumbling, and I just placed fabulous online orders with Wal-Mart — a six-jar set of Manischewitz Beet Borscht for yours truly, 12 pairs of socks for Sam and an ear wax removal kit — plus two nice pairs of fluffy, lightweight athletic shoes from Amazon, obviously for Sam as well because I haven’t been able to walk since the spring of 2012. Incidentally, I have a quick question about Fruit of the Loom’s ridiculous packaging claim: What the fuck are “EVERYDAY CUSHIONED ANKLES?”

Tonight’s late-night bedside buffet will include Del Monte zucchini and a jar of pickled beets.

It’s definitely been an annoying day around here. For starters, we’ve had too damn many stinking interruptions, including: 1) my hospice C.N.A. at 10:30 this morning for routine bathing and hygiene baloney; 2) two Wal-Mart deliveries; 3) a prescription delivery from the hospice pharmacy; and 4) I think that’s it. And with regard to item #2, we did not receive the canned Keystone Beef that I was expecting, and this was the third time that UPS rescheduled my delivery this week. The swine!

Severe abdominal pain, backed-up kidneys and the nurse from hell.

When it’s a few minutes past midnight, would you think that it’s late Monday night or early Tuesday morning? For the sake of clarity I’ll have to go with early Tuesday morning and continue to move on with my Howdygram post. Deal with it, okay?

For a change please do your best not to forget the Alamo. Also, L’Shanah Tovah, y’all.

Happy Sunday morning, boys and girls! It’s a few minutes past 11 a.m. and I thought it might be huge fun to get started on today’s Howdygram post as there really isn’t anything else to do whatsoever. I’m lying quietly on the chaise lounge in the family room with a cannula stuffed up my nose, enjoying the steady glub-and-gurgle of my oxygen generator. So … how’s the family?

We’re awarding our five-chopper rating to Betty Crocker’s Mug Treats Cinnamon Rolls.

I was hoping to begin this post with “good morning,” but since it’s already after 11 p.m. there’s really no point bothering with a meaningless greeting. It was, however, a productive day hereat Howdygram headquarters! Sam went to the mall after lunch to shop for that elusive jeans belt he wants for his trip to California next week, and when he got home I asked him to help me sit up for a while at my computer workstation. Unfortunately, because [URGENT HEALTH ALERT] I’m unable to walk any more, Sam has to whisk the chaise away from behind me as soon as I’m on my feet and replace it with the bench I use when I sit at my computer … and apparently he’s even made a scientific study of exactly how long it takes to rearrange each piece of furniture with minimum disruption so I won’t have to stand any longer than absolutely necessary. I’ve never felt more pathetic in my entire life, and Sam has never been more wonderful. Is my man magnificent, or what?!

Eight days and counting … Sam goes to California and I go to a nursing home!

TUESDAY, 9/4/2018, 11:20 P.M. Hi-de-ho everybody and a happy Tuesday to y’all. It’s late Tuesday night, Sam is asleep on the sofa with Mister Furry — our oversized faux mink blanket — and I’m holding down the proverbial fort from a useful vantage point on the chaise nearby, here in the family room at Howdygram headquarters. Earlier today Sam made a trip to the store (Wal-Mart, of course) for a fresh load of Popsicles, canned zucchini, yogurts, Chef Boyardee Ravioli, frozen sausage biscuits and several dozen bottles of Clear American fruit-flavored sparkly waters. Tomorrow Sam will hit the mall to buy a new jeans belt for his trip to California next week, something that will impress his friends and relatives. You know what fashion mavens those Californians are!

In celebration of Urethra Franklin, I had my catheter changed this afternoon.

I’ll begin my post today with a Happy Labor Day greeting to all my American readers … featuring a sparkly graphic with stupid blinking hoo-hahs that will probably give you an aneurysm if you stare at it too long. Maybe you’d better continue reading my post and scrolling down. Thank you.

I spent most of the day today feeling itchy, achy, raspy, gaspy, lousy, crappy, creepy and pissed.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post on Saturday due to poor health. Or rather, poorer than usual health, as I spent most of the day feeling itchy, achy, raspy, gaspy, lousy, crappy, creepy and pissed. Also feverish. Saturday night wasn’t much better, and Sunday wasn’t either. As a matter of fact, after I took my breakfast-time meds this morning I apparently fell back asleep until Sam purposely woke me up at 5 p.m. because he was getting nervous. So I ate a quick meal (leftover canned beef with a bunch of nice canned whole potatoes) and a pair of Popsicles for dessert, took more pills and decided I should make an effort to catch up with a nice juicy Howdygram post.

The UTI from hell is searing its way through my body with sharp spasms and intermittent torpedoes of pain.

TODAY IS BATH DAY! Woo-hoo! It’s always so damn pleasant to start my day with an assisted bath. I wish I could request one every day, but the hospice administrator would probably accuse me of acting like Princess Grace. I guess it never hurts to ask, though. Right?

It occurs to me that extension cords are a very important part of my life.

THURSDAY, 8/30/2018, 10:03 A.M. Happy, happy Thursday! It’s a few minutes past 10 a.m., Sam is enjoying his first nap of the day (he loves being retired!) and when he wakes up I’ll ask for some help moving to my computer workstation. The process requires: 1) a great deal of liquid Morphine approximately 15 minutes in advance; 2) help sitting up; 3) help standing; 4) repositioning my catheter bag; and 5) speedy readjustment of my catheter tube so I’m not actually sitting on the damn thing. (If I sit or sleep on top of my catheter cord I wind up with open wounds on my legs.)

The weirdest product on Wal-Mart.com’s virtual grocery shelves: B&M Canned Brown Bread.

WEDNESDAY, 8/29/2018, 12:07 P.M. I’m already not having a very good day and it’s only a few minutes past noon. I think my big issue right now is skin pain, especially a small area on my inner right thigh. My skin is unbearably sensitive, and right now I’ve got a pruny, agony-riddled expression on my face that’s probably nasty enough to scare away the neighbors, I’m gritting what’s left of my teeth, and I started moaning — rhythmically — about half an hour ago. Sam can’t hear me because he’s asleep, but if I wanted to wake him I’m pretty sure I could do it ... and he’d jump up to diagnose the problem and find out how he can help. God bless Sam ...

Canned beef tastes exactly like mom’s pot roast, minus the dinner-table drama.

I can’t believe it’s already 4:50 p.m. on a muggy Tuesday afternoon here, and I’m just getting started on today’s Howdygram post! Sam is in the other room gabbing with the hospice chaplain — the one whose name isn’t Charlie — and I can’t decide if I’d rather: 1) type; 2) sleep; or 3) eat things. To tell you the truth, I think my answer would be: ALL OF THE ABOVE, KATIE!

Sam has a meeting today with the hospice chaplain. No, his name isn’t “Charlie.”

Hello, shalom and who’s-your-mama from the screwballs at Howdygram headquarters! It’s 4:20 p.m. on a hot and sticky Monday afternoon here in north Texas — a steamy 95° last time I checked — and we’re finally through with our scheduled hospice visitors until tomorrow. This morning I saw my C.N.A. (for bathing and hygiene) at 11 and then my R.N. (to check my vital signs and the wounds on my legs) about an hour ago. Tomorrow Sam and I have an appointment at 11 with my hospice social worker, Theresa, to finalize the logistics for our mid-September “respite hoo-hah” … which is actually my five-day stay at The Villages of Lake Highlands nursing home in Dallas. (Only 18 days to go. Oy.) And last but not least, tomorrow at 4 p.m. Sam will meet with the hospice chaplain — no, his name isn’t “Charlie” — to talk about whatever subjects they usually talk about. They always sit in the living room and I can’t hear them. I’ve tried. (Stop laughing.)

It’s still Sunday. See what happens when you’re a housebound old coot?

Oh my God, what a day. I’m not sure I can even begin to describe Sunday’s “whine list,” but I’ll give it my best shot for the sake of Howdygram readers far and wide who check in every day to find out what the hell’s going on around here. First, however, you should know that I’m still alive and happy … but not necessarily in that order.

As a typical senior citizen, my concerns mostly revolve around eating things and defecating.

SATURDAY, 8/25/2018, 12:19 A.M. It’s Saturday morning, about 19 minutes past midnight, and I’m moaning on the chaise, unable to move and feeling so goddamn horrible that I almost can’t stand it following two very miserable days of pain. I can’t go into too much detail — sorry, not even if you beg — but I suppose I can tell you that: 1) I’m unbearably constipated; 2) the worst of the pain right now is in my knees, thighs, shoulders and upper arms; and 3) I’ve been developing open “cuts” on the back of my left thigh where my catheter cord glues itself to the barrier cream on my skin. The pain, in a word, is REALLY, REALLY SHITTY. (Okay, fine … three words.)

Glue your first-born child to the inner cover of a laptop computer and swing it over your head.

It’s Thursday morning, just a sprinkling of minutes past 10 a.m., and I’m grieved to announce that Sam went to bed last night without turning on my oxygen generator … and I really needed it because I’ve been congested for the last couple of days and TRYING MY DAMNDEST TO ”HOCK A LOOGIE.” Whether or not I’ll be successful still remains to be seen. (I’ve never been especially good at hocking loogies. Stay tuned.) Incidentally, THE NO-RINSE SHAMPOO CAP FOR INVALIDS that I mentioned in yesterday’s Howdygram post [click here] actually contains a small amount of the lousiest conditioner I’ve ever used, and believe me … I’ve tried plenty of lousy conditioners over the years. This one makes my hair feel lumpy. (For the record, the model in the photo looks absolutely nothing like me. I DON’T HAVE A PUCKERED NECK.)

Sam is shopping for a pedometer and I’ve been pondering an overly-generous squirt of liquid Morphine.

TUESDAY, 8/21/2018, 10:31 A.M. Yo, boys and girls, and happy Tuesday morning to you and yours from the fine folks at Howdygram headquarters! Sam just left for the mall, where he’s hoping to find the perfect pair of jeans for his trip to California in September. He lost a considerable number of pounds earlier this year, and shiny new pants are always the best way to celebrate a weight loss … right? Of course, I’m a certifiable Google genius, which means I’ll try to find Sam’s perfect jeans online before he actually parts with any money in a retail store. If the same brand, style, size and color are available for less dough anywhere on the Internet, I’ll track ‘em down!

I want to cancel my goddamn dental insurance already!

It’s been a rough afternoon around here, and I need a nice refreshing Howdygram post to calm me down a little. The crisis du jour revolves around MetLife Dental and our ongoing effort to collect some dough on the claim that’s been outstanding since — ready for this? — JANUARY. Every time we call MetLife Dental it’s the same stupid confusion, the same stupid “missing information,” the same stupid bullshit. Today, for example, they wanted my “group” number (there isn’t a group number … I’m not a MetLife employee!), the name of my dentist and my dentist’s tax I.D.

I think I destroyed my vocal chords this morning after insufficiently swallowing my medications.

Ahh, it’s Sunday! We just scooted past 12 midnight — okay, I’m lying … it’s 12:56 a.m. — and I feel perky enough to write at least one fucking sentence before I fall asleep again. For the record, I spend most of my time either falling asleep or being asleep. I think it has to do with all the drugs I take, and which drugs I take: Norco, extended release Morphine and liquid Morphine. And at least twice a day I take all three at the same time, which fucks me up bigly, and I absolutely love it. Woo-hoo!

Remember … the Alamo is nothing at which to sneeze.

Good morning, boys and girls! Well, okay, it’s not really morning … it just feels like morning because Sam woke me up a couple of minutes ago to say good night and remind me to take my bedtime meds, so I decided to stay awake for a little while and work on the Howdygram. Got it?

Do you have any idea how many glorious meals an elderly person can make from canned food?!

It’s Wednesday morning, and it’s good to be alive! I won’t get too dramatic with you (if I can help it), but lately I’m beginning to have a different view of life. For instance, I treasure every Popsicle … and I frequently ponder the beautiful canned goods in my pantry, a few of which include: 1) Del Monte Zucchini in Italian Style Tomato Sauce; 2) pickled beets; 3) Chef Boyardee Chili Mac, Mac & Cheese, Ravioli, and Spaghetti Rings with Fetal Meatballs; 4) Del Monte Whole New Potatoes; 5) Ro-Tel Diced Tomatoes; 6) Campbell’s Chicken Gravy. With a pantry like this, do you blame me? Do you have any idea how many glorious meals an elderly person can make from canned food like that?!

I must be hungry. There’s no other explanation for the first paragraph of this post.

There’s nothing quite like the “glug” and “sputter” of an oxygen generator.

TUESDAY, 8/14/2018, 6:27 A.M. It’s barely 6:30 in the morning here at Howdygram headquarters, and I’ve been awake for two hours already. I’ve also consumed a lot of pills, half a glass of Golden Peach soda, a container of Yoplait Boston Creme Pie yogurt (meh) and two extremely tropical Popsicles. Ahh, I’m stuffed!

I still do my own HTML coding for the Howdygram. Impressed?

It’s still frustrating when I’m working on a Howdygram post and can’t fix HTML coding errors. Yes, I still do my own coding for the Howdygram! This evening, for instance, I had issues coding the Recipe Retardo box. Somehow the background color wasn’t right, and the “padding” — the blank space between the ruled box and where the text begins — was wacky. So I kept deleting and starting over, deleting and starting over, and on and on, until I got what I wanted. Arrgh! And if that’s not enough, during it all Sam and I had to deal with a few “issues” about his lack of sleep, feeling exhausted (Sam), not eating enough (Sam), not realizing what day of the week it is (me), etc., until I thought my brain would go KABLOOEY already.

I have to wreck some truly excellent progress by confessing to a few stupid setbacks.

After spending eight productive hours last night sitting at my computer workstation, I have to wreck some truly excellent progress — finally making headway against my latest urinary tract infection; inventing a new recipe even though I’m practically bedridden; eliminating all the horrible, dry “alligator” skin from my feet and shins — by confessing to a few stupid setbacks. I’ll begin, therefore, by discussing the aforementioned setbacks in question. They are: 1) my skin is splitting; 2) my nose is dried out from wearing a cannula all the damn time; and 3) at the moment I can’t think of anything else. However, the “splitting skin” mentioned in item #1 is probably about an inch long on the left side of my body … located parallel to my waistline, below my rib cage and slightly around towards my back. (Got that? There’s a biology quiz on Wednesday.) To me, it feels like a giant paper cut, and when I asked Sam to take a look at it last night with a flashlight, he said it looked like a giant paper cut ... and he said it’s been bleeding, too.

Sam just got home from Costco with a tub of Tide Pods and no Brownie Brittle.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 10, 2018, 8:17 A.M. Happy Friday morning from north Texas, where it’s dark, dismal, thundering and raining hard. There are, however, a couple of “positives” from all this: 1) we desperately need the moisture; and 2) the high temperature today will only be 81°, which is practically cold for the middle of August around here. We’re expecting several thunderstorms (off and on) all day today, part of the day on Saturday and Sunday, too. This report is provided free of charge by the staff meteorologists at Howdygram headquarters … which is actually just me and the weather section of Yahoo News.

If you can find time to remember the Alamo, you’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din!

Hi-de-ho, everybody … it’s 10 a.m. Thursday morning, and we’re in the middle of a thunderstorm here … thunder and lightning and rain! I’m on the chaise in the family room, and Sam is in the garage with the overhead door open, watching the storm roll through. It’s like being part of a National Geographic special.

Sam and I are pulling an “all-nighter” tonight … and I can’t wait to tell you why.

TUESDAY, 8/7/2018, 11:39 A.M. Here’s wishing a happy, happy Tuesday to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters! Sam and I are relaxing here in the family room with Popsicles and The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974) starring Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw. It’s a lovely, lazy summer day here in Texas, and in case you’re wondering … RETIREMENT IS FUCKING FABULOUS.

My catheter tube disconnected tonight.

Hey, boys and girls, it’s me again … and what a day it’s been! For your possible interest I’ll list (and chronicle) the three visits I had today from various hospice medical personnel.

BATH-TIME WITH LETITIA. Letitia showed up at noon for a pleasant bath (mine, of course) and alpha-hydroxy cream therapy for my feet and legs. She’ll be back on Wednesday and Friday for more.

I choose not to mention the Alamo because my brain is at the czar’s Winter Palace in St. Petersburg, Russia.

Yo, shalom and hi-de-ho from the nerve center of Howdygram headquarters! It’s a pleasant Sunday morning here in north Texas, although I wouldn’t know anything whatsoever about the weather, the temperature, the humidity, or when we’re expecting our next rainfall … because I never leave this room (or this house), and if I want to know any pedestrian weather statistics I’ll simply have to rely on The Weather Channel. Therefore ...

Sam might make a scouting visit to The Villages of Lake Highlands today.

I’d like to begin this post with a general overview of Saturday, August 4 … using neatly-typed bright red subheads. Thank you.

I’VE BEEN COMPLETELY UNCONSCIOUS since 8 o’clock this morning and honestly don’t remember anything after that … although my day started long before 8 a.m. Frankly, I remember first waking up around 4, with Sam whispering that I never took my bedtime meds. So I opened my eyes, yanked off my cannula (plastic breathing apparatus), swallowed a fistful of pills and announced that I’d like to sit at my computer workstation for a few hours. So that’s what I did, and I was still sitting at my desk — developing several new greeting card designs — when Sam left to go for his morning walk at 5:45. By the time he got home, though, I was exhausted and nodding off, so I took a nice juicy dose of liquid Morphine, shlepped myself back to the chaise lounge and passed out.

Today’s little gang includes useful scripts, pleasant display fonts and a cute collection of ice cream dingbats.

Happy Friday afternoon, boys and girls, and welcome to my second post of the day! I just finished up a late afternoon appointment with my hospice R.N., Stella, who stopped by to see if I’m making any progress with my urinary tract infection (answer: YES), are the antibiotics working (answer: YOU BETCHA) and when was the last time I pooped (answer: WHOA, NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS). She also checked my vital signs (blood pressure: 116/60), and then we confirmed a date for my next catheter change (August 23). Whew. On top of that, my hospice C.N.A. was here this morning for a bath (for me, obviously) and also for a therapeutic foot rub to remove some dead flaky skin. It’s definitely been hectic around here today.

I don’t like Clint Eastwood and I refuse to recommend any of his movies.

It’s August, boys and girls, and time once again for Summer Under the Stars on Turner Classic Movies! TCM features a different movie star every day of the month, giving you a chance to see 24 hours of nonstop Peter Lorre movies (for instance) or maybe Doris Day movies. Here’s TCM’s schedule for the rest of the month, and as each few days approach I’ll let you know which movies you shouldn’t plan to miss under any circumstances. (Do with this information whatever you will ... although watching great TV is the general idea here!)

Maybe it’s time to start thinking about Manischewitz matzo balls for lunch.

Happy Thursday morning to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters! It’s 10:37 a.m. and I just woke up. I realize this must sound slothful and indolent to those of you who still lead productive lives, but I’m retired, handicapped and housebound … and already I can tell I’m having difficulties today with tremors. The tremors mostly affect my hands and fingers … crazy, jerky, repetitive motions. For instance, if I’m deleting a series of emails by pressing the “delete” key, my fingers will continue to strike the keyboard for minutes afterwards until I make a conscious decision to actually move my hand. Very weird, very annoying … and very scary sometimes, too, especially when the tremors start up all over my body, and that includes my tongue, my mouth, my arms and my legs, and even occasionally my eyelids! Today, so far, the tremors are limited to my fingers and both hands.

Only six weeks until Marcy’s 2018 nursing home adventure. Holy crap!

TUESDAY, JULY 31, 2018, 10:19 A.M. While Sam and I wait for my hospice social worker to drop in today I thought I’d get started on my Howdygram post. I’ve only been awake for an hour so far, but from the peace and solace of my chaise lounge I’ve observed all of the following: 1) my right shoulder is fucking killing me; 2) I’m having some trouble breathing; 3) I wish the hospice pharmacy would deliver my antibiotics already because this urinary tract infection is DRIVING ME NUTS; and 4) Sam is watching The Princess Bride (1987) starring Robin Wright and Mandy Patinkin. (I’m not a big fan. I prefer movies from the 1930s.)

Don’t miss my new line of absurd Donald Trump greeting cards in The Howdygram Store.

Happy Monday morning from Howdygram headquarters! It’s 8:45 a.m. and there’s significant weather on the way as I write this post … with wind, rain, possible hail and thunderstorms. We’ve been in the midst of an intense summer drought in the Dallas metro area, so any rain we get is needed desperately. It’s like a demented version of “The Grapes of Wrath” around here. We’ve got tumbleweeds rolling down the street … and they’re coughing!

Sam invented The Million Little Meals Diet Program for Elderly Women Who Can’t Walk Any More.

At some point in our lives everybody has to deal with loss, and for the last couple of years I’ve been dealing with loss in spades. For example, a couple of hours ago I told Sam that I don’t remember how it feels: 1) to walk to the study; 2) to take a shower; 3) to wear clothes or shoes or lipstick; 4) to drive a car … or even ride in one; 5) to feel the wind in my hair; or 6) to live without pain. As a matter of fact, I’m lying on the chaise lounge in the family room — easily the most comfortable spot in the entire house — and I’m squirming around to “adjust” my left leg because the skin on the back of my thigh is burning.

I love ordering products for the first time from Wal-Mart, and today’s order was packed with first-timers.

It’s Saturday at 6:03 a.m., Sam is already on the way to Samuell Park for his morning hike, and I’m holding down the proverbial fort at Howdygram headquarters with a MacBook balanced on my stomach. Sam said he’d stop at Wal-Mart later on the way home … we need another bag of frozen Pillsbury Grands biscuits and a box of Stove Top Chicken Stuffing. Is this a great little life, or what?

Sam enjoys a multi-mile hike every morning at Samuell Park in south Mesquite.

FRIDAY, JULY 27, 2018. Happy Friday night, boys and girls. I’ve had a strangely lazy day today that involved all of the following activities: 1) sleeping; 2) peeing; 3) eating things; 4) sucking Popsicles; 5) talking to my sister Robin; and 6) watching Sam tighten several loose bolts on the nice upholstered bench at the foot of the chaise lounge. I know, I know. It’s a full life. And now let’s take a look at the weekend — and the entire week — ahead, shall we?

I want Fake Salisbury Steaks for dinner tonight with Immediate Wonderful Gravy.

THURSDAY, JULY 26, 2018, 5:03 P.M. Wondering what’s new at Howdygram headquarters today? I guess you’ve come to the right place, people, because there’s more than enough to tell. For starters, it’s been a day of aches and pains and demented discoveries, each introduced here with a teeny neon subtitle. Thank you.

Tonight’s post is jam-packed with all kinds of amazing crap. Also new graphics and new fonts.

Top o’ the mornin’ to you … from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a few minutes after 11 a.m. on a bright and sunshiney Wednesday. My hospice C.N.A. — translation: certified nurse’s assistant — was here more than an hour ago to give me a bath, and Sam is presently headed to Wal-Mart to buy things, some of which include baby carrots, a bag of chopped-up salad materials and a box of Tropical Fruit Popsicles.

Looks like there’s almost nothing left that’s safe to eat any more, although nobody ever got salmonella from Cheetos!

SUNDAY, JULY 22, 2018, 4:48 A.M. It’s Sunday morning, shortly before 5 a.m., and I keep trying to talk to the tall potted plant next to the TV because I think it’s Sam … but it’s NOT. On the other hand, however, I’m starving, so I think I’ll ask my resident spousal unit to heat me up a can of Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans for an early breakfast. The aforementioned beans are pictured below for your possible interest. Thank you.

I might be the only immobile coot in the U.S.A. with a jam-packed Saturday schedule.

Yo, everybody! I’m starting my day with the GREAT SATURDAY TRIFECTA: Pills, Popsicles and What’s for Breakfast! Having successfully completed the first two, I’m pleased to introduce today’s What’s for Breakfast menu at Howdygram headquarters … a nice big yellow bucket of CREAM OF WHEAT. You betcha! OH BOY! It’s the perfect Texas breakfast for housebound invalids on a blistering hot — 109° — summer day! And I’ve already figured out what I want for my second meal of the day … a Costco grilled Angus burger with ketchup and a mountain of chopped green olives, plus a bottle of Green River pop! (Please shoot me an email if you’d like to be invited, but I can’t promise you any Green River as there’s only one bottle left ... and it’s MINE.)

I’ve been having some severe side effects from my glorious liquid Morphine.

Good morning, good morning, good morning. I’ve made considerable progress since last night, drug-wise. For instance, I understand how come Wal-Mart is charging $565 for my Lantus insulin refill … and Sam and I are actually okay with it. After talking to a very nice rep from my health insurance provider I found out that I reached Medicare’s annual “donut hole” level ($3,700) for prescription coverage earlier this month, which means I have to pay full price for my drugs until I reach $5,000, at which time my co-pay drops to only $8.50 … and trust me, that’s practically free. So we’ll stick with the plan as-is and suffer with $565 for a three-month Lantus insulin refill. (Shit.)

Today was Marcy’s Unforgettable Drug-Fest. I celebrated with fish fillets and tartar sauce. And half a bun.

Yup. The day after you practically bleed to death you spend the next 24 hours unconscious and scare the living shit out of your husband, but when you eventually wake up you’ve got a case of the “tremors” so severe that you dump a full glass of cranberry juice on your ivory carpet. You never saw a person recover from tremors so fast in your entire life. (Thank God we have a Bissell carpet shampooer in the closet.)

Remember when I told you I was bleeding to death? I wasn’t kidding. I was bleeding to death!

TUESDAY, 7/17/2018, 12:06 P.M. Happy Tuesday to you and yours! It’s a few minutes past noon, and I’m trying to choose between two really important activities: 1) eating lunch; and 2) pooping. To tell you the truth, though, I don’t really want to choose between them, I want to do BOTH ... but not at the same time! And only one of the aforementioned activities (#2, no pun intended) would require a dose of liquid Morphine first, because I can’t stand up and walk without it ... even if it’s just a few steps to our portable commode.

I almost bled to death today.

MONDAY, 7/16/2018, 5:57 P.M. I’ve had quite a day, boys and girls, and I guess I’ll begin with a simple statement: I ALMOST BLED TO DEATH TODAY. Early this afternoon I was sitting at my computer workstation in the family room, and when I glanced down towards the floor I noticed that the entire left side of my nightie was completely saturated with blood. The darkest, reddest blood I’ve ever seen. Some of it was dried, most was not. And I was still bleeding! I shrieked for Sam, who — poor baby! — had been sound asleep on the sofa. Thank God he’s not squeamish (like me), because he had to do a brief investigation to discover the source of the geyser (my belly), and then brought a plastic pail, warm water and a pile of washcloths to clean me up. Even my left arm and hand were soaked in blood, and fresh blood was dripping onto the carpet, too. Shit.

I definitely plan to get up on Monday or the muscles in my legs will atrophy.

You know your pain meds are excellent when you actually pass out while you’re live-blogging. And that’s exactly what happened to me last night! Seriously.

Introducing the world’s first Live Blog Opioid Festival.

Happy Saturday morning to you and yours! I have absolutely zero plans for today, and that’s a good thing because I’m virtually immobile and there’s nowhere I really want to go, anyway. Being home is fine with me. I’ve got Sam, plenty of Popsicles, all kinds of assorted canned goods in the pantry, a million reruns of “The Andy Griffith Show” on Netflix and lots of great movies stored on my DISH Network DVR. And after the hospice pharmacy delivers my liquid Morphine today, I’ll have everything in the world! Woo-hoo!

I ordered Campbell’s Brown Gravy with Legitimate Onions and two jars of Manischewitz Borscht with Diced Beets.

And so I show up on this hot, sticky Friday morning to discover that I’m not connected to the Internet ... with no incoming emails and no access to the Howdygram. Fortunately I can still compose today’s post with my MacBook’s Text Edit software, so all this free time won’t be a total loss. I can’t do much about the graphics, though, or those nice bright red subhead titles or the attractive horizontal rules that I always insert between sections. As soon as my connection comes back I’ll do a speedy copy-and-paste hoo-hah and get on with my life.

We had a seven-hour thunderstorm today. When the power went out my oxygen generator had a brain hemorrhage.

Hi-de-ho, everybody! It’s the crack of 9:30, and I woke up half an hour ago to discover that I never took Wednesday’s bedtime meds — including pills AND insulin — because I apparently conked out last night after I ate my Popsicles. Therefore I injected last night’s bedtime insulin (Lantus Solostar) and took most of my bedtime pills a few minutes ago … at least, the ones that won’t be duplicated when I take my Thursday morning meds. This is both irritating and depressing, however, because it’s not a unique situation. I’VE DONE THIS TWICE SINCE MONDAY … and now Sam and I have to figure out how to prevent it from happening again. I guess just kissing me goodnight isn’t enough any more. Now he has to sit down on the bench next to me … and watch me swallow my pills and inject  my insulin!

Ever notice how just about all the citizens of Mayberry are single women except for Barney and Andy?

Welcome to the crack of dawn at Howdygram headquarters! It’s 2:03 a.m. and I’m not sleepy following three short but very effective naps, the last of which ended at 11:50 p.m. last night. So let’s just say I’m not tired any more and we’ll let it go at that, okay? I’m comfortably positioned on my chaise in the family room with a convenient glass of Golden Peach soda on ice. If I need anything I can always wait an hour or two until Sam wakes up … usually around 3:30 a.m. Yes, we keep insane hours around here.

Welcome to the home of the Ear Wound, the Big Red Nose Bruise and the Screaming Baby Toe.

I am completely upside-down ever since I pulled that screwy all-nighter the day before yesterday. It’s not that I’m turning into a graveyard-shifter or anything, but I find myself conking out for hours on end and I’m never awake long enough to start — or finish — a Howdygram post. I apologize for that. I tried to write a post last night but never got past the lede paragraph. (And it was a good one, too. I might use it again sometime.) Incidentally, Sam is in the same predicament … so at least we’re doing this together!

Do you think you’d remember if you received the same birthday card from me two years in a row?

I’m not sure how to begin this post because I’ve never been this unconscious before. I first opened my eyes today at 9 a.m., put on my glasses, took my morning drugs and fell back asleep … and I remained comfortably asleep until 6:45 p.m. Eighteen consecutive hours of glorious sleep, and that’s NOT a typo, people! I woke up today at 6:45 p.m.

It was an eventful Saturday full of new pains, new injuries and some cool movies on Cinemax.

Howdy-do and shalom, everybody! It’s a nice, quiet Saturday morning here. I’m chillin’ on the chaise in the family room while Sam’s on his way to Costco for a trunkload of our favorite edible merchandise (chicken salad, teeny tacos, guacamole and so on) plus a quick stop at the store’s food court on the way out so we can decide what’s for lunch today. I learned a couple of days ago that Costco has been featuring grilled Italian sausage sandwiches — Chicago-style, with soggy green peppers and onions! — at their stores all over the United States, so I asked Sam to find out if ours has them, too. (Plan B would be a Kosher hot dog with onions. Costco always has hot dogs.) Stay tuned. This could be HUGE.

My favorite cereal is Special K with petrified strawberries and almond milk.

Know what happens every year after the Fourth of July? THE FIFTH OF JULY! Woo-hoo!

The Howdygram keeps me sane, focused, authentic and entertaining (I hope).

Whoa … where the hell did 2018 go? We’re already into the second half of the year — it’s the Fourth of July, for God’s sake — and before you can blink your pruny little eyelids I’ll be writing posts about wonderful ideas for Hanukkah presents and where to buy them. (Hint: How come you’re not shopping at The Howdygram Store?) In the meantime ... happy Fourth from Sam and me, and I sure wouldn’t mind a couple of grilled hot dogs if you’ve got any extras. Also cole slaw. (Actually, I’d rather just have the cole slaw. Nix the hot dogs.)

The Fourth of July should only be celebrated on the weekend when people have time.

Hey, boys and girls … I’ve had a busy day! It’s only 2 p.m., and so far I ... 1) woke up at 7:45 a.m. while Sam was still out enjoying his daily walk; 2) consumed my last antibiotic tablet chopped-up in a mound of Cool Whip; 3) took my regular breakfast-time drugs, including extended release Morphine and good ol’ ordinary Norco; 4) printed a Wal-Mart grocery list for Sam, who went to the store as soon as he got home from his walk; and 5) fell back asleep immediately after typing item #4. Holy crap.

Ensure is a liquid meal replacement for senior citizens with shitty appetites. (Like me.)

Another hot, sticky summer day in Texas … at 9:45 in the morning it’s already 89° outside, and the temperature is expected to reach 103°. As I write this post I’m waiting for a hospice C.N.A. to show up for my first bathing and powdering hoo-hah of the week. She’s running late today and can’t get here until noon, but I don’t mind because there’s nothing else to do, anyway.)

Louie Gohmert (R-TX) is a moron, a pussy and a coward. Forgive me if I sound mean, but I will elucidate.

SATURDAY, 11:45 P.M., 6/30/2018. Hi-de-ho, everybody … it’s a hot and sticky Saturday night, and Sam and I are enjoying one of our favorite go-to action movies, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, the original from 1974 starring Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw. We always love this movie. ALWAYS! Sam is curled up on the sofa and I’m on the chaise with a Popsicle. For the record, I’m seriously under the weather tonight. I haven’t had a repeat of that problem from yesterday when I couldn’t swallow any food, thank God, but my issues tonight are actually just as bad.

Nobody needs to stand around in triple-digit heat listening to a crowd of Southern Baptist pastors.

It’s 9:42 a.m., Saturday, June 30, and Sam should almost be downtown by now for the Families Belong Together rally. Sam and I aren’t the children of immigrants — but our parents were — and I can’t imagine what life would have been like for our families if America hadn’t opened her arms at the beginning of the 20th century. My father’s parents came from Russia, and mom’s came from Hungary and Romania … all of them were Jews escaping persecution and fleeing to the only country on earth that would welcome them. And nothing has changed in 2018. Refugees still come to America hoping to escape persecution, get an education and build a successful life, except now that door has been slammed shut in their faces by the swollen orange baboon in the White House. I’m proud that Sam is making his voice heard today.

As much as I enjoy “bath time,” Sam and I are putting my hospice through the wringer right now.

It’s Friday morning, 9:15 a.m., and it’s Sam’s birthday! To celebrate, he’s in the study making phone calls (we’re attempting to change electric providers) and I’m on the chaise lounge in the family room eating a couple of Popsicles and watching Funny Girl (1965) starring Barbra Streisand. I’m also waiting for my hospice C.N.A. to come over at 10 for my final professional bath of the week. She does a very good job — every Monday, Wednesday and Friday — and I look very clean and shiny afterwards except for the spots that she dusts with Nystatin powder. She also covers my shins and feet with AmLactin cream because otherwise I’ll look like an alligator.

Please forget about the Alamo for a while because nobody needs to do any stupid sightseeing in triple-digit heat.

I regret to announce that yours truly is severely under the weather right now, although the story actually began last night. Around midnight I didn’t feel well, I was shivering, and Sam took my temperature. It was extremely low (94°) … and that’s typically a precursor to a high fever within a couple of hours. In the past I’d usually wind up unresponsive in an ambulance on my way to the closest emergency room, but last night the high fever never materialized. I got lucky. I took Tylenol, 20mg of Norco, bundled myself up on the chaise lounge and Sam turned up my oxygen generator to the highest setting.

I wonder if they’ll ever find a starving family in Dallas that wants half-gallon jars of hot Chicago-style giardiniera.

Shalom and howdy! I woke up exceptionally early today (before 7 a.m.) following a shitty, shitty night with a migraine and nausea that started around 1:30 in the morning. Sam sat up with me in the family room because somebody had to listen to me moan and hold the bowl, right? (I think he eventually just fell asleep on the sofa.)

If you dislike descriptive prose about bowel movements, please feel free to skip the following paragraph.

I’ve had quite a day so far, dear readers. It’s currently 2:25 p.m., Sam is conked out on the sofa and I’m watching the original Ghostbusters (1984) starring Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Sigourney Weaver. (It’s almost over. The Stay-Puft marshmallow man just blew up.) We’re enjoying a one-month free trial from Netflix. Yee-haw.

Incidentally, if you dislike descriptive prose about bowel movements please feel free to skip the following paragraph.

Sam is my full-time caregiver, and he deserves as many Dairy Queen blizzards as he can get.

Woo-hoo … Sam and I are trying SOMETHING NEW today! Instead of waiting until late afternoon (around 5 p.m.) for me to get up off the chaise and use my computer, I’m giving it a shot around 10 a.m. instead … which is the time I used to migrate into the study in years past. It was Sam who suggested this, actually, because he has more energy in the morning to shlep things around in the family room, crawl on the floor to relocate my catheter bag and scoot under the desk to plug in my computer and lamp. It’s definitely a lot of work. He’s my full-time caregiver and he deserves as many breaks — and Dairy Queen blizzards! — as he can get.

We have remotes for all the lamps in the family room. I don’t have to move a muscle to turn them on or off.

It’s Sunday, 1:45 a.m., I’m wide awake and Sam is in bed. To tell you the truth, though, I’d conk out in a flash if I powered down my MacBook and turned out the lights in the family room. I’m awake but I’m definitely sleepy, and I just ate the last two Popsicles. Sam promised to buy more at Wal-Mart this morning.