I think Wal-Mart and Costco were ransacked over the holidays.

So. It’s late Thursday night, Sam is napping, and I’m lying here like a slug trying to decide what I want to eat whenever Sam wakes up because I’m really, really hungry. (Correction: I’m really, really STARVING.) Tonight my bedtime snack possibilities include: 1) a can of baked beans; 2) Jif peanut butter and a plastic spoon; 3) two sugar-free almond cookies with milk; and 4) Great Value chicken noodle soup with a bag of Miracle Rice. This afternoon I received a six-pack of Miracle Rice — a zero-carb, 10-calorie rice replacement — that I ordered from Amazon a couple of days ago. I love this shit!

This month’s catheter change was another total disaster.

Hi, everybody. It’s 12:03 a.m. Thursday morning and I’m finally getting around to the Howdygram. I’ve been on a brief hiatus due to a large volume of unexpected sleep, assorted digestion difficulties and an abundance of wild news emanating from our nation’s capitol. In case you’ve been hiding under a rock for the last few days, I think the treasonous orangutan in the White House is finally on his way out … and hopefully on his way to prison. Glory hallelujah!

I keep a typewritten list of my favorite snacks and groceries on the desktop of my iMac.

Yo, everybody! It’s 1:53 a.m. — the wee hours of Tuesday morning — and I want to tell you all about my late “bedtime” dinner a couple of hours ago. I had frozen peas and a big glass of sugar-free Crystal Light fruit punch. Honestly, it just doesn’t get much better than that. Peas and punch!

I stopped eating crunchy snacks, so the taste of salt is abhorrent now.

SUNDAY, 1/27/2018, 9:47 P.M. Hello and happy Sunday night from Howdygram headquarters! Sam is asleep on the sofa, so I thought this might be a fine time to launch another post while I try to bounce back from severe indigestion. I will never EVER eat Aidells Caramelized Onion Chicken Meatballs again. Sam bought them at Costco a couple of days ago, and they’re greasy, too heavily seasoned and exceptionally salty. I think what I hate most is the “exceptionally salty” part, because my diet changed dramatically when I found out last year that I have congestive heart failure. I stopped eating crunchy snacks, so the taste of salt is abhorrent now. (I haven’t even eaten one stinking Cheeto since 2017!)

I’m getting some Stouffer’s stuffed peppers tomorrow. I love stuffed peppers!

Know what? Sam will probaby strangle me for this, but I want to show the world how adorable he is. Because I’m a bedridden coot and he’s my only caregiver, Sam spends a lot more time at home than he used to. Which means he occasionally looks for indoor projects to fill his free time … and maintenance of the master bedroom closet has been one of them. So here’s what Sam did with his summer polo shirts last week … now they’re perfectly organized by COLOR. When I saw this picture I squealed!

I need more sleep and I need it now. Thank you for reading this.

THURSDAY, 9/20/2018, 11:15 P.M. Good evening, boys and girls. Sam and I have been napping through some fine films tonight. So far these have included At War with the Army (1950) starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis and The Big Lift (1950) starring Montgomery Clift and Paul Douglas. Plus two episodes of “The People’s Court.”

It was an eventful Saturday full of new pains, new injuries and some cool movies on Cinemax.

Howdy-do and shalom, everybody! It’s a nice, quiet Saturday morning here. I’m chillin’ on the chaise in the family room while Sam’s on his way to Costco for a trunkload of our favorite edible merchandise (chicken salad, teeny tacos, guacamole and so on) plus a quick stop at the store’s food court on the way out so we can decide what’s for lunch today. I learned a couple of days ago that Costco has been featuring grilled Italian sausage sandwiches — Chicago-style, with soggy green peppers and onions! — at their stores all over the United States, so I asked Sam to find out if ours has them, too. (Plan B would be a Kosher hot dog with onions. Costco always has hot dogs.) Stay tuned. This could be HUGE.

I’m thankful to be a housebound old broad in an air-conditioned mansion.

It’s nearly 2 p.m. on a hot and steamy Saturday afternoon … nearly 94° with 50% humidity. You may or may not realize this, but Texas is a fucking SWAMP in the summer, especially when the temperature reaches triple digits … and we have a lot of triple-digit days here, sometimes for weeks on end, and the air gets so heavy you almost can’t breathe.

I’ve got almost no understanding of Facebook whatsoever.

SATURDAY, 8:00 A.M., 4/21/2018. Good morning, everybody! It’s a few measly minutes after 8 a.m., and Sam and I are waiting for a 100% chance of rain to roll in — with thunderboomers! — from the northwest. I really haven’t got too much else going on today, quite honestly. A chance of rain … and then nothing.

Old pictures and new teeth.

Hi-de-ho, dear readers! It’s 7 o’clock Monday morning and I’m taking pills, reading email and killing time until Elite Mobile Dental shows up with a wax mold of my new lower denture. They’re supposed to be here at 8:30, and I’m thoroughly goddamn excited about this because I’ve had seriously insufficient lower teeth for decades … and no lower teeth at all for the last six weeks! Stay tuned for additional developments but please feel free to resume your normal routine in the meantime. (Thank you.)

I’ve got some medical issues today. Also some Chef Boyardee mini ravioli.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday! Sam is napping in the family room and I’m at my desk in the study with a nice hot Hormel Compleats Chicken Breast & Gravy with Mashed Potatoes, one of my favorite meals for housebound senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. This is actually a tasty little entrée and only costs $1.98 from Wal-Mart. Holy shit, right?

Know what’s scary? Wheezy lungs at midnight!

Whoa. I’m feeling COMPLETELY ZONED OUT this morning! I took my regular meds with 20 mg of Norco (as usual) and all of a sudden my head is spinning out of control. My complaints this morning? I’m STUTTERING, I can’t speak a simple sentence, my enunciation is off-the-charts weird, my tremors (a side effect of Gabapentin) have magnified tenfold and my entire body feels jittery. Oy, this is SO FUCKING WEIRD!

Costco is excellent about returns and refunds.

I know you’ll forgive me for not posting since last Saturday, especially after I list the reasons why. And here we go!

Sam is our official political activist now.

Hi, people. It’s 2:15 Wednesday morning and I’m wide awake at my desk in the study, eating crunchy stuff from Wal-Mart while I try to deal with nasal congestion, drippy eyes and a raging asshole in the White House. I have a hunch I’ll overcome a couple of these issues a lot easier than the third one. I’m just saying.

Costco sells hard-boiled eggs.

Monday night, 9 p.m., just finished dinner. Nothing fancy. A couple of nice frozen chicken things on pita bread from Costco. With cheese. And now maybe somebody can explain why I sound like Sergeant Joe Friday from “Dragnet.”

Monday is “Costco day” at Howdygram headquarters.

I’ve got a million very important subjects to cover in this Howdygram post so I’ll skip all the introductory hoo-hah and just get right to the point, okay? I think I’ll even do my popular neatly-subtitled paragraphs!

Do almonds have nipples?

Wednesday was a banner day here at Howdygram headquarters. Extraordinary. Unforgettable. Unprecedented. It was AN ALL-DAY SENIOR CITIZEN CYBER SHOPPING SPREE, and my purchases included all of the following ... with explanations wherever necessary. Thank you.

Open for business ... our Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic.

Shalom, good morning and hi-de-ho to you and yours on this dismal Tuesday morning in north Texas. It’s really, really overcast right now. There’s no rain in the forecast, though, so I guess we’ll just have to deal with clouds. Meh.

News bulletin: Dish Network does home theater installations on Sundays!

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s 5:40 a.m., Sam just left for work and I’m polishing off a tasty little tub of Hormel Compleats Cheese Manicotti with Actual Meat Sauce and Spicy Black Flecks That Are Probably Cracked Peppercorns.

Maybe I’d better stop designing iPhone cases and learn how to speak Spanish.

Happy Thursday, boys and girls! Sam is on his way to Costco for a trunkload of our favorite must-have food products — teeny tacos, oatmeal cups, breakfast burritos, bacon-wrapped shrimp and a juicy rotisserie chicken — and I’m at home with a nice can of diet root beer. Please hold a good thought that Costco has one rotisserie chicken left for me, although it’s already after 7 p.m. so there’s probably a 90% chance that the chickens are all gone by now. I hate it when all the chickens are gone!