Sam is considering a new career specializing in catheter removal.

It’s been a whole week since my last stab at a Howdygram post. Seven days. And if you’re wondering why, it’s because I’m recovering from another “decline” … my third decline since August. Therefore I’d like to take a couple of minutes to discuss this with you, okay?

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In the wee hours of the morning on November 2 my BURNING URINARY TRACT SPASMS returned with a vengeance. The pain was so searing, constant and unbearable that Sam volunteered to yank out my catheter … AND HE DID! He said he’d watched my hospice nurses do this for me so many times that he could probably insert one, too.

Not long afterwards I lapsed into 48 hours of unconsciousness, but this time it’s been harder than usual to bounce back. My brain is foggy, my short-term memory is completely shot to hell, I’m crabby and I can’t convince myself to eat anything, but there’s no point, anyway, because whatever I eat tastes like TOTAL SHIT. Mostly I’ve decided to stop trying all new food whatsoever and just stick with the following list of acceptable meals that Howdygram headquarters’ in-house chef — Wolfgang Marks, pictured below — can throw together in the kitchen lickety-split.

• Mozzarella sticks with pasta sauce
• Stouffer’s frozen meat loaf
• Campbell’s canned soups (Cream of Mushroom, Cream of Celery, Tomato, Chicken Noodle and Bean with Bacon)
• Maruchan Yakisoba teriyaki noodles
• Cream of Wheat with lumps
• John Morell braunschweiger with sweet pickle relish
• Costco’s angus pre-grilled hamburgers
• Hot and sour soup from China City
• Idahoan “loaded” mashed potato cups
• Chef Boyardee Beef-a-Roni
• RoTel spicy canned tomatoes
• Great Value Beef Pot Roast with Vegetables
• Great Value Korean Steak Bulgogi & Udon Noodles
• Buddig chicken lunch meat
• Hormel Compleats chili with beans
• Hormel canned tamales (stop laughing)
• Mott’s applesauce
• Eckrich pickle & pimiento loaf
• Manischewitz beet borscht
• Homemade egg salad
• Yogurt and small curd cottage cheese
• Canned fruit
• Frozen peas

I realize none of these meals are very exciting — and some might be downright frightening to many of you — but for me they’re all favorite comfort foods with very pleasant flavor profiles. And FYI, Great Value is Wal-Mart’s store brand, and I highly recommend all of Wal-Mart’s store brand products.

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Two members of my hospice medical team stopped by this morning. Leticia (my C.N.A.) was here for a bathing and hygiene session, and Martha (the director of nursing) reinserted my Foley catheter and congratulated Sam for always paying such close attention to my medical procedures. And a good time was had by all. (Well … not exactly.)

In case you were wondering, I was fucking terrified to have another catheter inserted this morning, but I’m pleased to report that I haven’t had any more burning urinary tract spasms. Not even a small one. (So far.) Stay tuned!

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Welcome to another round of FREE FONTS! Today’s herd includes a few entertaining display fonts (“The Graveyard,” “Konga Rock,” “Smile”), lots of interesting scripts (“Peach Pen,” “Bouchers,” “Thatcher”), a couple of hand-drawn fonts (“Polly Font,” “BRC”) and a layered sans serif (“Retrochips”). We also have an intriguing monogram font (“Aunigramia”) where the lowercase character is a reversal of the uppercase, and a couple of scripts with an exceptionally enormous number of swashes, curlicues and fancy character endings (“Bouchers” and “Thatcher”). In case you want any or all of these for your personal collection I’ll include download links below the font list.

The Graveyard • RodrigoType Bundle • Retrochips • Peach Pen • Mood

Aunigramia • Caramelia • Bouchers Script • Thatcher • Palleto

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I was able to snag some excellent freebies from Creative Market’s weekly giveaway. They include a collection of 12 seamless Henri Matisse-inspired background patterns in Adobe Illustrator (AI) format and 36 fascinating iridescent abstracts that I’ll be able to use for products in The Howdygram Store … greeting cards, iPhone cases, night lights and so on. I LOVE FREE STUFF!

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I’d like to welcome a long-lost girlfriend back into my life. Sally and I were BFFs for a few years (1997 through 2002) when I lived in southern California, but after several lifestyle changes, new jobs, new marriages, a cross-country move (yours truly) and a variety of upheavals, we never kept up with our email addresses and completely lost touch. Until two days ago. Sally discovered me quite by accident on Facebook, and all of a sudden we were jumping up and down and squealing like a couple of silly kids. (Except I’m bedridden and I can’t jump. I can squeal, however.)

Thank you for reading this. I have to wake Sam and ask for some food now. If you want to remember the Alamo, I won’t try to stop you.