It’s never a good idea to call a person an asshole when he has a scalpel in his hand.

Happy Friday morning, everybody!

We’ve decided to postpone Thanksgiving for a couple of days because Sam has a toothache.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! It’s a few minutes after 8 a.m. and I hope you’ll indulge me for a moment so I can post my annual tacky holiday graphic.

It’s been quite a weird day for taste buds around here.

Yo, boys and girls, and a happy Friday night to you and yours! It’s 9:35 p.m. as I write this post … and I’m feeling peppy, cheerful, silly, and fucking annoyed … because Sam just discovered that my hospice C.N.A. screwed up badly when she was here this afternoon for my Friday bathing and hygiene session. Apparently she forgot to shut the valve on my catheter bag after she emptied it … so my catheter had been pouring itself onto the carpeting for six fucking hours! Disturbing, sad, aggravating, sloppy. We’re not happy.

Something is amiss here. Sam is sleeping through a monster thunderstorm!

It’s a few minutes past 2 a.m. here, Sam is in bed and I’m SERIOUSLY UNWELL again! There’s no real pain, per se, but my overall complaints include: 1) chills; 2) body aches; 3) uncontrollable pishing every 45 minutes that even wakes me from a sound sleep; 4) migraine headaches due to complaint number three; 5) serious intestinal distress; and 6) a wet rash on several areas of my body that are none of your damn business. Therefore I just took my bedtime meds with 70 units of injected insulin, a pair of Imodium tablets, a juicy dose of Norco — doing my best to prolong the opioid epidemic! — and then poofed myself with Nystatin powder to kill that fucking rash already. Thank you for listening.

How come Jesus illustrations always make him look like the guy who rotates your tires at Pep Boys?

Good morning, boys and girls. With our Liar-in-Chief dropping the Mother of All Bombs in Afghanistan — what the fuck?! — and threatening a nuclear attack on North Korea, I’ve decided to spend a great deal of time today watching William Powell as The Thin Man and creating a pile of adorable greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Reality is just a little “too real” right now and it’s scaring the shit out of me.  Please raise your hand if you think Twitter should shut down this asshole’s account!

I can’t be funny when I feel like shit.

I’ve got a yooge revelation for you, boys and girls: I CAN’T BE FUNNY WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT. For the last seven days the skin on the back of my thighs felt like it was burned with a blow torch, and whenever this happens — more often than I care to admit — absolutely NOTHING makes me comfortable. Not even White Castle cheeseburgers or a few extra doses of Norco. The cause of all this is DIABETIC PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY, the same crap that: 1) makes my toes scream; 2) shoots intense pain through my left heel and “electric shocks” down the outside of my thighs; and 3) turns my hands and fingers numb. I’m presently experiencing all of the above.

I’ll gladly provide more information on a need-to-know basis.

Yo from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a spectacular and balmy springtime afternoon that’s bursting with sunshine ... and once again I’m at my desk in the study with a bowl of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup that definitely isn’t hot enough, but what the hell. Also some saltine crackers.

Bill Pullman isn’t dead.

Happy Tuesday morning, boys and girls! It’s 7:20 a.m. and Sam is on his way to work as I write this post ... his first day at a BRAND NEW JOB after four glorious months of rest and downtime at home. This is the first new job he’s had in more than 12 years and (with any luck) it will be his LAST. Sam actually considers this to be semi-retirement, with a return to commercial printing, no stress and normal daytime hours.

Sarah Palin, the end of an error.

Hello, shalom, yo, how’s the family, hi-de-ho and happy Saturday morning from Howdygram headquarters! You will surely be pleased to note that I finally flipped myself into a normal sleeping pattern and woke up today at 9:15 after half a dozen pleasant hours of uninterrupted overnight sleep. Holy crap, right? And waking up early-ish also affords me the opportunity to eat a favorite breakfast ... Hormel Compleats Real Meatloaf with Nice Mashed Taters and Tan Sauce! This is amazing!

Sunday night’s weather was a real humdinger.

There were THREE HUGE NEWS STORIES at Howdygram headquarters on Sunday, which I’ll present to you below in neatly subtitled paragraphs.

Burned American cheese tastes better than raw American cheese.

There’s a strong chance this will be a short Howdygram post because I don’t have anything special to write about, I’m not feeling particularly creative and I actually feel quite uncomfortable sitting at my desk in study due to burning pain on the back of my thighs. It’s fucking impossible to be funny when you’re waiting for Norco to kick in! But that’s likely to change at any moment. Or maybe not. I’m rambling.

Eat your hearts out, people. I’ve got matzo farfel!

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I want a nice hot bowl of soup because I’M FREEZING TO DEATH. After a high temperature of 76° on Saturday afternoon it’s 21° outside right now with winds gusting to 45 m.p.h. The sound of rattling solar screens is driving me nuts and I can’t seem to warm up. Hence the craving for soup. And lo and behold, as I write this post I’ve got a bowl of Simply Asia Shitake Mushroom Rice Noodle Soup rotating in the microwave right here on my desk ... the epitome of senior citizen convenience! And I even have a canister of Manischewitz matzo farfel in front of me. Eat your hearts out, people.

Sam has jury duty today in downtown Dallas, right in the middle of a dense fog advisory.

Hi-de-ho, people, and welcome to the Howdygram! It’s almost 3 a.m. and I’ve been writing email for the last couple of hours. I still have one more to go (to Sam’s sister) but I’ll have to save that for later today. I know she’ll understand.

We hope you’ll consider sending us a donation of $10 or more for no reason whatsoever.

I forgot to wish you a happy Pearl Harbor Day yesterday, although I’m not sure if this qualifies as a real holiday with presents because Hallmark doesn’t have a card for it. You might want to write your congressman about this. (As if he’d give a shit, right?)

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again.

So here’s what’s going on around here, organized in neat little subtitled paragraphs because I’m compulsive about things like this.

Everything is completely kablooey!

What a difference a day makes, right? Sam and I both felt so terrific all day on Sunday ... and now, during the wee hours of Monday morning, everything is completely kablooey! A couple of hours ago Sam showed me an area on top of his left foot where the dermatologist did a needle biopsy on Friday. It doesn’t look good at all — dark red, probably infected, etc. — and it’s also causing him a lot of pain. Sam painted it with a liquid bandage product as an anesthetic but said he’d call the doctor first thing today to find out what can be done. He’s seriously MISERABLE. I’m thinking he might need a box of Klondike bars.

Please don’t overlook Yoder’s canned bacon.

Hi-de-ho and a happy Sunday to you and yours from The Howdygram! It’s high noon, and while Sam is canoodling around at Tom Thumb — cream cheese for him, a pleasant loaf of French bread for moi — I’m pleased to provide the following Kvetch Report.

Sign this petition and you’ll be younger, thinner, richer and happier. Trust me.

There’s a big thing I forgot to include in my last post so I’ll do it right now. Thank you.

Aetna is not discontinuing my Medicare HMO plan for 2017 and Lenny is a moron.

Hello, bon jour and howdy from Texas, where your favorite blogger is attempting to cope with a week of monumental horseshit and unexpected disappointment. And I’m NOT just talking about the results of Tuesday’s election, either ... I’m also talking about my brand new Medicare health insurance plan with Aetna, which imploded yesterday after I contacted eHealth Medicare — the Internet broker that set me up with Aetna two months ago — to find out if any other plans had cheaper Part D drug co-pays because Sam had a couple of unpleasant cash register surprises at Wal-Mart’s pharmacy on Tuesday.

Tonight we decided to “Thai one on” for dinner with a carryout food orgy.

Hi, boys and girls ... and happy Tuesday night to all of you! Do you know what today is?