Two excellent frozen pizzas for senior citizens, up close and personal.

SUNDAY, 2/10/2019, 3:45 A.M. Holy shit … I’m freezing! It’s the wee hours of Sunday morning, I’m buried beneath two knit afghans (a tan one and a red one) and I’m still shivering! I suspect that my urinary tract infection is playing havoc with me right now. I’ve got all the usual symptoms and probably a low-grade fever, too … which is why I’ve been frozen solid since Sam went to bed at midnight. Even worse, the weather is atrocious, too. Today’s high will be 41° with constant rain starting around 10 a.m. and lasting until mid-day on Monday. Rain, rain, rain! (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!) And my arthritis sucks right now, too. Cold wet weather is just miserable for coots like me with shitty knees. GOD BLESS HYDROCODONE!

I’m in my hospital bed with a wireless Mac keyboard on my stomach.

It’s a balmy, lazy winter’s night in Texas. At 10 p.m. the temperature outside is still hovering at 74°, and Sam and I are in our favorite positions here in the family room … he’s asleep on the sofa, and me? I’m in my hospital bed with a wireless Mac keyboard on my stomach! The air-conditioning has been running since early this morning when I got so overheated I wanted to crawl out of my skin.

Sam tried to wake me up Friday morning and almost couldn’t do it.

THURSDAY, 1/24/2019, 10:15 P.M. Wow. I’m definitely sick, y’all. About an hour ago, while I was enjoying this week’s episode of “Top Chef,” I realized I was feeling lousy, achy and hot as an iron … so I took my temperature and WHAMMO, it was 99.6°. And that’s substantial for me, because normal is usually 96°. I FEEL LIKE SHIT RIGHT NOW and my symptoms include all of the following: 1) a raging fever; 2) my hands and feet feel like they’re on fire; 3) the temperature under my boobs is probably 212° and hot enough to fry latkes; 4) muscle aches; 5) “electric shocks” in my thighs and feet from diabetic peripheral neuropathy; 6) a headache; 7) a muscle twinge in my back; and 8) a desperate craving for Pepperidge Farm Coconut Layer Cake, the last of which is pictured below for your possible interest.

Here’s the classic definition of “declining.”

I’m not doing very well these days. It’s nothing major, really … just a bunch of little things all happening at the same time. I guess this is the classic definition of “declining.”

I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stand the pain from this goddamn urinary tract infection.

THURSDAY, 12/27/2018, 9:59 A.M. Happy Thursday morning from Howdygram headquarters. Sam is on his way to Costco for our usual weekly haul of amazing food, including: 1) teriyaki meatballs; 2) a tub of chicken salad with pecans and cranberries; 3) maybe cheese; 4) breakfast burritos; 5) ground coffee; and 6) a couple of essential OTC pharmacy-aisle items. He should be home within the hour, at which time we’ll take up a subject of critical importance … an early lunch.

Saturday’s highlight: An unexpected catheter change.

Jesus, what a day. It started normal enough, I guess, but eventually devolved into a pishing session multiple times every hour … and NOT into my catheter bag. I was lying in bed, peeing all over myself and making a complete mess of everything. We called my regular hospice R.N., Stella, who drove in all the way from Fort Worth to take care of me. Bottom line … I needed an unexpected catheter change, because an individual is NOT supposed to leak pee when she’s catheterized! Today’s experience was not a pleasant one (to say the least), so I think I’d better just move on. Thank you for putting up with me.

Some years ago I was diagnosed (by an actual therapist) with an “addictive personality disorder.”

It really hasn’t been my intention to ignore the Howdygram, but in recent days I’ve been completely wrapped up in The Howdygram Store — designing and uploading 116 new products from the comfort of my hospital bed — as well as creating three new marketplaces on Zazzle.com. As soon as they’re open for business (hopefully by the first of the year), they will be: Cases by Marcy, Mugs by Marcy and Cards by Marcy, each one focusing on a specific product line. The Howdygram Store, of course, will continue to sell everything.

Kindly humor me for a few minutes while I share the story of Marcy’s Catheter Hoo-Hah.

It’s the wee hours of Monday morning, just a few minutes before 1 a.m., and I thought this might be a fine excellent opportune moderately convenient time to begin another post. I just finished watching Victor/Victoria (1982) starring Julie Andrews, Robert Preston and James Garner, and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t fall asleep right now even if I tried.

I’m really anxious to get back to my creative life again.

Good morning to you, one and all. Also shalom in case you didn’t know, or had forgotten, that Sam and I are Jewish.

After comparing four potential new Medicare Advantage plans for 2019, I’m pleased to announce my decision! I’ve decided to sign up for the Blue Cross Medicare Advantage Choice Plus (PPO) with a $0 monthly premium. The other three plans also had a $0 monthly premium … but Blue Cross stood out from the rest with its cheaper drug coverage.

I’m still waiting for my Hoyer Lift and my progressive trifocals from EyeBuyDirect.com.

A quiet, pleasant Monday evening to you from north Texas! We’ve got fairly heavy rain passing through here right now … a comforting sound that apparently isn’t interrupting Sam’s serious nap on the sofa. It’s not interrupting me, either, as as matter of fact. I was enjoying a cute Joan Crawford movie — I Live My Life (1935) with Brian Aherne, the one where he’s an archaeologist on a Greek island — but I decided to turn it off altogether and work on this Howdygram post instead. I guess it’s time to get back on schedule now that my weekend visitors are gone!

I can’t think of a title for this post. Sue me.

SATURDAY, 9/29/2018, 11:09 P.M. Sam and I are enjoying a highly pleasant Saturday evening around here even though I can’t really describe it in too much detail due to unexpected naps that wipe out most of my short-term memory. If I sound like a mess, you’re probably right. A few of my other difficulties include: 1) muscle cramps in my upper arms; 2) I keep forgetting to eat things; 3) coughing up lung crap; 4) being one thousand percent sick to death of the news; 5) Sam forgot to turn on my oxygen generator when he went to bed tonight; and 6) intermittent severe burning in my catheter tube that signifies, in conjunction with an ongoing low-grade fever, the arrival of another GUTI (goddamn urinary tract infection). I’m not especially happy or cheerful tonight. Meh!

My oxygen generator just died. It became obvious when water started pouring out of my cannula.

Every now and then I have an exceptionally wonderful week … and this is one of them! For your possible interest I’ll itemize the aforementioned exceptionally wonderful events. Thank you very much.

I STOOD UP ON MONDAY. Following some disappointing setbacks last week I honestly didn’t know whether or not I’d ever be able to stand again, so this was a complete and pleasant surprise. Therefore, after my hospice nurse finished her checkup on Monday afternoon I decided to spend some time using my computer workstation, which was accomplished by sitting on the side of my bed and Sam wheeling the computer desk over to me. Then I asked for some time on the commode, which (of course) involved standing up. And I’m delighted to report that I stood easily, used the commode to successful completion (draw your own conclusion), stood up a second time while Sam wheeled the hospital bed behind me again. The entire hoo-hah was easier, less painful and less stressful than either of us expected. Thank God. I’m feeling very encouraged and empowered now.

I’m definitely off schedule. Forgive me.

Hello, shalom and how’s-the-family from the best little hospital bed in Texas! Our busy Monday afternoon finally calmed down into a lazy, quiet evening after visits from: 1) my hospice C.N.A. for Monday bathing and hygiene; 2) my hospice R.N. for a weekly checkup; and 3) our hospice social worker, Theresa the Bubbling Chatterbox, a woman who’s so perfectly suited to her profession it could make your brain explode.

I think the Alamo is worth remembering only if you don’t have anything else to do.

My very own hospital bed: DAY TWO.

After sleeping, living and eating for six years on a chaise lounge, my back and shoulders are still adjusting to the extra support from a traditional mattress. I know I’ll get used to this, because I had a good night’s sleep last night, that’s for sure.

Tonight’s late-night bedside buffet will include Del Monte zucchini and a jar of pickled beets.

It’s definitely been an annoying day around here. For starters, we’ve had too damn many stinking interruptions, including: 1) my hospice C.N.A. at 10:30 this morning for routine bathing and hygiene baloney; 2) two Wal-Mart deliveries; 3) a prescription delivery from the hospice pharmacy; and 4) I think that’s it. And with regard to item #2, we did not receive the canned Keystone Beef that I was expecting, and this was the third time that UPS rescheduled my delivery this week. The swine!

I spent most of the day today feeling itchy, achy, raspy, gaspy, lousy, crappy, creepy and pissed.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post on Saturday due to poor health. Or rather, poorer than usual health, as I spent most of the day feeling itchy, achy, raspy, gaspy, lousy, crappy, creepy and pissed. Also feverish. Saturday night wasn’t much better, and Sunday wasn’t either. As a matter of fact, after I took my breakfast-time meds this morning I apparently fell back asleep until Sam purposely woke me up at 5 p.m. because he was getting nervous. So I ate a quick meal (leftover canned beef with a bunch of nice canned whole potatoes) and a pair of Popsicles for dessert, took more pills and decided I should make an effort to catch up with a nice juicy Howdygram post.

The UTI from hell is searing its way through my body with sharp spasms and intermittent torpedoes of pain.

TODAY IS BATH DAY! Woo-hoo! It’s always so damn pleasant to start my day with an assisted bath. I wish I could request one every day, but the hospice administrator would probably accuse me of acting like Princess Grace. I guess it never hurts to ask, though. Right?

The weirdest product on Wal-Mart.com’s virtual grocery shelves: B&M Canned Brown Bread.

WEDNESDAY, 8/29/2018, 12:07 P.M. I’m already not having a very good day and it’s only a few minutes past noon. I think my big issue right now is skin pain, especially a small area on my inner right thigh. My skin is unbearably sensitive, and right now I’ve got a pruny, agony-riddled expression on my face that’s probably nasty enough to scare away the neighbors, I’m gritting what’s left of my teeth, and I started moaning — rhythmically — about half an hour ago. Sam can’t hear me because he’s asleep, but if I wanted to wake him I’m pretty sure I could do it ... and he’d jump up to diagnose the problem and find out how he can help. God bless Sam ...

It’s still Sunday. See what happens when you’re a housebound old coot?

Oh my God, what a day. I’m not sure I can even begin to describe Sunday’s “whine list,” but I’ll give it my best shot for the sake of Howdygram readers far and wide who check in every day to find out what the hell’s going on around here. First, however, you should know that I’m still alive and happy … but not necessarily in that order.

As a typical senior citizen, my concerns mostly revolve around eating things and defecating.

SATURDAY, 8/25/2018, 12:19 A.M. It’s Saturday morning, about 19 minutes past midnight, and I’m moaning on the chaise, unable to move and feeling so goddamn horrible that I almost can’t stand it following two very miserable days of pain. I can’t go into too much detail — sorry, not even if you beg — but I suppose I can tell you that: 1) I’m unbearably constipated; 2) the worst of the pain right now is in my knees, thighs, shoulders and upper arms; and 3) I’ve been developing open “cuts” on the back of my left thigh where my catheter cord glues itself to the barrier cream on my skin. The pain, in a word, is REALLY, REALLY SHITTY. (Okay, fine … three words.)