My night-time guilty pleasure? A whole Sara Lee cheesecake and a soup spoon.

This has been a weird yet profoundly productive day for your favorite bedridden invalid. My activities have included: 1) designing two mugs and four thrilling new greeting cards for The Howdygram Store; 2) one long nap; 3) brushing my hair twice; 4) eating a small plate of mozzarella sticks with pasta sauce; 5) watching three fine movies … She Wore a Yellow Ribbon (1949) starring John Wayne, The Court Jester (1955) starring Danny Kaye, Basil Rathbone and Angela Lansbury, and Anchors Aweigh (1945) starring Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra; 6) getting overheated and asking Sam to turn on the air-conditioning; and 7) eating a Hostess Ding-Dong.

It’s really hard to believe that I’ve managed to pack so much fun into one day, and my head is still reeling from the excitement. Maybe it’s the Ding-Dong … 

---

The Howdygram is grieved to report that Tyson has recalled 18 tons of White Meat Panko Chicken Nuggets due to consumer complaints about some of them being made of rubber. Seriously.

According to the USDA, Tyson’s rubber nuggets were shipped in five-pound packages to retail locations nationwide. Key identifying marks include a “Use By” date of November 26, 2019, and case code 3308SDL03. If you find a package of these stupid things in your freezer, Tyson thinks you should discard them immediately or bounce them back to the original place of purchase for a refund. Thank you.

---

In other food news, the hot topic today on FoodBeast.com is Kentucky Fried Chicken’s latest culinary achievement … the CHEETO SANDWICH.

In addition to cramming Cheetos and fried chicken onto one helpless bun, KFC also managed to drench the interior with a custom Cheeto sauce made by Frito-Lay. (Jesus.) The sandwich is being touted as the ultimate night-time guilty pleasure we’ve all either made or dreamed of creating ourselves. (Frankly, my night-time guilty pleasure has always been a whole Sara Lee cheesecake and a soup spoon.) The only thing missing from KFC’s artery-clogging nightmare is a Flamin’ Hot version.

The new Cheeto Sandwich is being tested for a limited time at participating locations in Virginia, North Carolina and Georgia.

I’m disappointed. Why not Texas? Texans LOVE weird shit like this!

---

Trumpty-Dumpty’s focus on a medieval border wall has shifted almost constantly. For instance, during the 2016 campaign Trump promised voters over and over and over that Mexico would pay for a concrete wall from the Pacific Ocean to the Gulf of Mexico. Mexico flatly refused.

Then Trump tried promoting a steel-slat fence, and demanded that Congress cough up $5.7 billion of the taxpayers’ money. Congress refused.

So Trump, always the delusional “deal-maker,” attempted to extort Congress by shutting down the government for five weeks, the longest shutdown in U.S. history. Congress still refused, Trump caved in, and the government reopened with zero money for a wall.

Now, apparently, Trump is preoccupied with painting existing sections of the border fence.

The hot topic in a meeting with GOP “surrogates,” who were chosen to defend Trump’s positions after the State of the Union address, was a new demand for money to spruce up existing border barriers with fresh paint (it sounds like he’s trying to sell condominiums) because they’re not beautiful enough and there’s also some graffiti in the San Diego area. Sadly, Trump received word from one of “his generals” that it’s not possible to paint over the graffiti in San Diego due to its impact on the environment. Trump exploded.

It just doesn’t get more pathetic than this, does it? Let’s put this dumbshit out of his misery already.