The State Fair of Texas sells everything from vibrators to insulated windows.

Tuesday was a rough day for me, and today hasn’t been much better. It’s my miserable stomach again. After trying all day yesterday to eat one or two stinkin’ bites of food, the only success I had was a strawberry Glucerna meal replacement shake for elderly diabetics, one and a half string beans and a cup of applesauce. Fortunately, at dinnertime my adorable Sam volunteered to bring me a large order of live-saving hot and sour soup from China City … AND I ACTUALLY ATE THE WHOLE THING. Better yet, he said he’d be glad to buy hot and sour soup for me every day if I want him to … and I might have to take him up on that because almost nothing else sounds (or tastes) appealing any more.

Know what’s scary? Wheezy lungs at midnight!

Whoa. I’m feeling COMPLETELY ZONED OUT this morning! I took my regular meds with 20 mg of Norco (as usual) and all of a sudden my head is spinning out of control. My complaints this morning? I’m STUTTERING, I can’t speak a simple sentence, my enunciation is off-the-charts weird, my tremors (a side effect of Gabapentin) have magnified tenfold and my entire body feels jittery. Oy, this is SO FUCKING WEIRD!

Boy howdy! This year the Texas State Fair runs from September 29 through October 22.

Please don’t ask me to write about politics. I just can’t. And this includes anything with even a hint of Donald Trump or that fucking disgrace that just happened in Charlottesville. I will instead post: 1) my latest herd of new free fonts; and 2) tell you about this year’s competition for the 2017 Big Tex Choice Awards, featuring the latest deep-fried monstrosities at the Texas State Fair food court. I’ll start with the second topic first, okay?

Holy mother of crap. How do you stuff a hamburger with an all-beef hot dog?

Happy Friday, how’s the family and shalom from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a beautiful September afternoon here in north Texas judging by what I see from the window in the study ... 78° and sunny with zero chance of rain. Absolutely perfect weather for opening day at the Texas State Fair here in Dallas. The big cattle parade is already underway downtown with cheerleaders in white cowboy boots, marching bands and bouncy twinkies with boobies and batons!

I want to know why nobody has thrown a few bricks at Trump’s head.

It’s 5:45 a.m. and there’s huge news this morning from Howdygram headquarters: MY LEFT FOOT DOESN’T HURT. Not my heel, not my baby toe ... nothing. The relief is so damn shocking and unexpected that I don’t know what to do with myself! Maybe I can finally stop taking extra pain pills and get back to a normal sleeping schedule in bed with Sam as opposed to sleeping on the chaise in the family room with William Powell movies. My life has been weird for a very, very long time.

Bobby Jindal is a confused conservative “moran” on steroids.

Howdy-do and happy Saturday from the bowels of north Texas! I thought I’d get started on a Howdygram post while Sam is packing for his trip to California, which commences about two and a half hours from now when his flight takes off from Love Field. For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Love Field airport; C) the State Fair of Texas in south Dallas, which is a major hoo-hah today full of people eating funnel cakes and deep-fried manure on a stick; D) Sam works here; and E) George Dubya Bush’s house in the snooty Preston Hollow neighborhood.

It’s time once again for the State Fair of Texas.

Today’s the day, people! This was opening day for the State Fair of Texas right here in Dallas. In case you’re interested in shlepping to the Lone Star State for cattle judging, a ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl and a couple of classic corn dogs, please note that the Fair runs from September 25 through October 18 and there are lots of opportunities to get in really cheap or free. These include …

I spilled scalding hot soup on my chest today at lunch.

In the spirit of not having anything whatsoever to do and it’s probably a little too early — i.e., 8:50 a.m. and Sam is on his way to the optometrist — for my first nap of the day, I thought it might be fun to share the eight new deep fried finalists (see below) in this year’s Texas State Fair Big Tex Choice Awards.

Yesterday’s big parade included cowboys on horseback, Elvises and lots of girls with legs.

It’s 9:40 Saturday morning and Sam went back to bed about half an hour ago, leaving me alone in the study with a Marcytini and a big blank screen that’s waiting for a Howdygram post. I’m not feeling especially perky or creative at the present time so you can either bear with me or go watch TV for a little while. (If I were you, I’d watch TV.)

Here’s our essential guide to the 2014 State Fair of Texas.

Hi, y’all. Howdygram headquarters is full of late-breaking Texas news today! But first ... in case you haven’t seen the latest photo from Paris Fashion Week, here are frozen-face professional poser Kim Kardashian, wearing a skirt so short she had to hide her “hoo-hoo” from the media, and her douchebag spouse, the megalomaniac Kanye West, both TOPLESS at the Lanvin runway show. Caught on video by TMZ, they were booed loudly by the crowd when they entered the arena and Kanye had a fucking STROKE because the dumb slob thinks he deserves to be the most respected half-naked American in the room with man-boobs and a trophy tramp wife. That’s definitely one of the best sentences I’ve ever written.

Big Tex has been scaring the shit out of people for more than 60 years.

Before I get carried away with this post and drift into assorted subjects, please allow me to make a very important announcement:

The outrageously huge and sweaty Texas State Fair opens on September 25.

Hi. It’s that time again, people ... the Texas State Fair has announced its eight finalists for the coveted Big Tex Choice Awards, an annual competition that honors the most creative and best-tasting deep-fried shit on the midway. Winners will be announced on September 1; this year’s fair runs from September 25 through October 19. I’ll list the finalists for you below with a few pictures thrown in for your possible interest. Thank you.