The Howdygram 2: Happy Cinco de Mayo, that annual opportunity to pledge your allegiance to Hellmann’s.

Sunday, May 5, 2019

Happy Cinco de Mayo, that annual opportunity to pledge your allegiance to Hellmann’s.

Today’s the day, people! It’s Saturday morning, 9:35 a.m., and our A/C installation crew just got here. This is very exciting. We’ve been without central air since Monday, although it isn’t really as dire as it sounds because the outdoor temperature has been mostly in the low 70s … and that’s unseasonably pleasant for Texas at this time of year! (We’re usually in the 90s by now.)

In case you’re wondering why we waited six days for installation, it’s because Metro Service HVAC offered us a deal with zero sales tax — at 8¼%, that’s almost $400 — if we pay cash, but it always takes a few days to receive the funds from one of our Vangard investment accounts. So that’s why Sam scheduled the big hoo-hah for today.

I’m having a lousy, uncomfortable day. Everything hurts … my back, my knees, my head, my eyeballs. In addition: 1) I’ve got drippy allergy symptoms; 2) I need to belch; 3) my soles of my feet are on fire; 4) Sam says the pee in my catheter bag is a weird color; 5) my hands are stiff; 6) my breathing is labored; 7) I’ve got a substantial lump on my right wrist; and 8) even my new stretchy headband is annoying me.

I honestly don’t believe it can get more pathethic than this!

So … I think I’ll take a couple of Hydrocodones, and while I wait for them to kick in I’ll amuse myself with Baby Face, (1933) an amazing pre-Code cinematic masterpiece starring Barbara Stanwyck and George Brent. It’s about a woman who escapes from the Pittsburg slag heaps and claws her way to the top of an international banking empire using S-E-X. And for comic relief there’s even a bit part for a wretched “newcomer” (with zero talent) named John Wayne. This is great stuff!

Please allow me to wish all of you a happy and healthy Cinco de Mayo, that annual opportunity to pledge your allegiance to FIVE JARS OF HELLMANN’S MAYONNAISE. Hellmann’s is my #1 favorite, although BEST FOODS is their other brand and just as good because it’s the exact same product. (I’m just saying.) For some reason our local supermarkets carry both of them.