I wish the Texas legislature would stop fucking around with legitimate prescriptions for opioids.

It’s a cold (48°), rainy, foggy, and generally nasty morning here in the Dallas metro area. I’m shivering in bed under two afghans and Sam just left for his daily pre-dawn hike in the woods, this time in a down jacket, gloves and knit beanie. Seriously. It’s supposed to warm up later today (68° according to Weather.com) so I’m always amazed that Sam wants to walk at 5:30 a.m. when it’s still cold and dark.

Merry Christmas, y’all.

Howdy, good morning, shalom, and I want to wish our goyishe friends and relatives A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS from Sam and yours truly! It’s presently 7:54 a.m. on Christmas morning, Sam just got home from a two-hour walk in the woods — yes, we live near actual woods — and only moments ago I took a large wad of pills to jump-start my day. Trouble is, I honestly can’t recall whether or not I included a couple of Hydrocodone tablets … but if I still feel like shit an hour from now I’ll have my answer.

Prescription refills make me want to blow my brains out.

It’s Sunday morning, 5:34 a.m., and there’s a lot going on at Howdygram headquarters right now! Sam and I are both wide awake — I never fell asleep last night and he’s been up since 3 a.m. — and actively involved in various projects. I’m fine-tuning this Howdygram post, and Sam is doing laundry. (I can see him running around in the back hallway.) I decided not to write a Howdygram post yesterday. Instead, I spent nine hours glued to my iMac workstation … designing my new line of iPhone cases for The Howdygram Store! Woo-hoo! I’ll include a little more detail (with pictures!) down below. Keep reading …

I’m having blintzes for lunch!

It’s the “wee hours” of Saturday morning. Sam is in bed and I should be asleep, too … except I’m not. Friday was a difficult day for me because I couldn’t get comfortable. My typical go-to plan is to lie my hospital bed flat, raise the knees all the way so I can slide myself down to the head of the bed, and then raise myself back up until I can focus my eyes on the TV again.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a teeny new prince!

There’s big news bubbling forth today from Buckingham Palace … the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a teeny new PRINCE! The royal bundle of adorableness, who’s fifth in line to the throne, weighed in at 8 pounds 7 ounces. However, since the Duke and Duchess probably don’t need any bibs, onesies or crib toys, please feel free to send your cash-only gifts directly to the Howdygram and we’ll forward them on to England at our convenience. Click here to request our mailing address. Thank you.

I’m almost too damn drugged to walk.

Yo. I thought I’d take a few minutes to start a Howdygram post even though I’m not having much luck keeping my eyes open. I’ve been drooping from side to side at my desk for the last hour or so, and it mostly feels like I’m almost unconscious. I don’t understand this. I woke up this afternoon at 3 after seven very solid hours of sleep, and the time at the tone will be 6:05 p.m. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

My head feels like it’s too heavy for my neck. This is actually a very pleasant sensation.

It’s 8:45 Wednesday morning and I’m waiting for a drug bomb to explode. I accidentally took  two tablets of Metoprolol this morning instead of one ... and that’s the higher dose that made me PASS OUT a number of times when I first started taking it. Metoprolol slows my heart rate and I take it for a condition called atrial fibrillation.

Is a “Babinski” a Polish baby deer?

It’s 5 a.m. here in north Texas and Sam is in bed. I’m drinking an ice cold can of diet ginger ale and just finished refilling my pill sorter for the week ahead. At this time of night I’m never really sure if I should go back to sleep or sit up for a few hours taking drugs and working on a Howdygram post. So many decisions ...

My morning meds turned me into a groggy zombie today with floaty arms and double vision.

Good morning, people. It’s not quite 9 a.m., I just finished a couple of rock-hard Jimmy Dean sausage biscuits (definitely my fault; I nuked them too long) and I’m pleased to report that my morning meds turned me into a groggy zombie today with floaty arms and double vision. This feels GODDAMN FABULOUS and I highly recommend the drug combination listed below.

Julius La Rosa died. (I wish Sarah Palin would be next.)

Oy, please forgive me. I didn’t write Howdygram posts on Saturday and Sunday due to a number of pathetic reasons, which I’ll list for you in neat, subtitled paragraphs. Thank you.

The Howdygram Store has designed 40 new cases for your iPhone or Samsung Galaxy.

Holy crap on a Popsicle stick, people. Thursday was a day of MANY GIGANTIC HOO-HAHS here at Howdygram headquarters! However, the only way to provide appropriate coverage of each hoo-hah would be in neatly-labeled paragraphs, so that’s exactly what I’ll do ... one exciting hoo-hah at a time.

A backwoods halfwit lands in jail, more free fonts and another dead celebrity.

Happy Monday to y’all from the Howdygram! I meant to write this post earlier in the day but got sidetracked by two major projects: 1) I took a shower at 1 p.m.; and 2) I fell asleep on the chaise after completing item one and slept for six fucking hours. SIX HOURS! At the moment it’s 7:48 p.m. and I just started eating dinner — a bowl of Maruchan Extra Spicy Shrimp Noodles with Impossible-to-Read Instructions in Three-Point Type — plus a side order of pills and a can of Diet Sunkist.

Ted Cruz says Americans don’t have the right to masturbate. (I’m serious.)

Today is Thursday, April 14 — The Day Before Income Tax Day — and I’m here to wish you good luck, hi-de-ho and godspeed in case you’re one of those sorry shleppers who hasn’t finished your Form 1040 yet for 2015. Just for the record, Sam and I filed at the end of February and had our electronic refund in less than six days. I’m trying to irritate you. Did it work?

Trust me, people ... as a retired senior citizen there’s nothing worse than dreaming that you’re still employed.

I have an “issue,” guys. Last week Dr. M doubled my dose of Gabapentin to try and relieve more of my neuropathy pain. While it definitely seems to be working as intended, it’s also making me loopy, weird, dazed, dizzy and I’m having crazy dreams. (Also a chocolate craving.) In the mornings after I take Gabapentin with Benazepril (for high blood pressure),  Norco (my prescription painkiller) and Metoprolol (to slow down my heart rate), the overall hoo-hah is even WORSE and I’m lucky if I can stay awake for a whole hour.

On the road to more and better drugs. Even morphine maybe!

Okay, I blew it. I meant to write a quick Howdygram post when I got home from the doctor yesterday morning but the entire hoo-hah was such an exhausting and distressing fiasco — for Sam, actually, not for me — that I just didn’t feel motivated. Mostly, Sam was short on sleep and not feeling too well but still had to push his very large wife in her very large wheelchair up a steep ramp into the senior citizen shuttle bus and nearly wound up having a fucking heart attack. We absolutely have to figure out a better system for next time, even if I have to get out of the wheelchair and drag my ass onto that bus under my own steam. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!

Happy first day of April from your favorite fool. (Me.)

I’ll begin with an apology for not writing a Howdygram post yesterday, although I’m NOT beating myself up about this and I don’t especially want to cram this first paragraph with a bunch of excuses. So I’ll just say I was “indisposed” by a variety of health issues and an overwhelming passion to design ritzy iPhone cases for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

What everybody wants for holiday gift-giving. Overpriced light fixtures!

It’s 4:55 p.m. and Sam is unconscious in the family room after a hectic day that included a hot shower and a muffin. I can’t actually 100% verify that second activity, however, because I was in bed attempting to recover after Sam applied TriDerma Intense Fast-Healing Cream to the back of my thighs and it burned like hell for about 20 minutes. For those of you who’ve been following along with my ongoing “skin issues” ... I have pressure ulcers. FUCK PRESSURE ULCERS! I won’t go into too much detail here in case somebody’s eating breakfast. (You’re welcome.)

If you want nice things in Missouri, try not to be poor.

It’s 7:20 a.m., Sam is still asleep, and I’m at my desk in the study waiting for a hydrocodone pill to kick in. These things are pretty damn awesome, but I have to admit that it’s not easy to write Howdygram posts when I’m totally wasted. I sat down to write several times yesterday and just couldn’t get anything off the ground. Today, lucky for you, I’M STARTING EARLY!

The Canadian-born spawn of Cuban immigrants has announced his candidacy for President of the United States.

You should never EVER take hydrocodone on an empty stomach — either accidentally or on purpose — and here’s why: 1) within 30 minutes you’ll feel like throwing up; 2) you will continue to feel like throwing up for the next six hours; and then 3) you’ll want to die.

Has Mitch McConnell started a right wing coup d’état?

Show of hands. Have you ever visited any of the Howdygram-approved “Let’s Go Shopping” websites listed in the right sidebar? If you haven’t, WHY THE HELL NOT?! Some of them are truly swell, especially the first one — FragranceShop.com — where you can buy thousands of name-brand perfumes REALLY REALLY CHEAP. And you should also check out their roll-on knockoff designer fragrance oils because the quality is outstanding. I’ve been buying these things for years and keep four or five in a little empty AA battery box in my desk in the study just for the hell of it. Anyway, this morning in a sudden fit of wanting to smell gorgeous I ordered myself all of the following fragrances in the large 3.4-ounce bottles.