I only have two nostrils.

Don’t get hysterical or recalibrate your monitor … in case everything looks slightly different but you can’t figure out what, I just spent half an hour tweaking the Howdygram’s colors! Now the text is a pleasant yet different shade of light blue instead of a dull blue/gray, and the post headlines are a darker navy than before. I also added some additional letterspacing here and there to make everything a little more legible.

Please let me know what you think, okay? Comments are welcome or you can just shoot me an email. Thank you.

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My health is stable today and I actually feel quite a bit better than usual. My only complaints would include: 1) a list of standard summer allergy symptoms, such as watery eyes, a runny nose and post-nasal drip; 2) an occasional low-grade fever that hovers around 99° or thereabouts; 3) an annoying irritation behind my right ear due to pressure from my cannula hose and eyeglasses; and 4) a heat rash all over my back. These are all being treated as follows: #1 with FloNase spray; #2 with Tylenol; #3 with an antibiotic ointment; and #4 with an anti-fungal/anesthetic powder to calm my skin. (It’s always something. Jesus.)

As for the rest of my ongoing medical issues, I have no migraine headaches to report, no additional burning bladder spasms (aside from one or two a day), no new prescription interactions, no uncontrollable neuropathy pain, no shortness of breath, no runs, no hits, no errors. So far this is very good day indeed!

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The fine people at Tyson Foods have recalled more than 190,000 pounds of their Fully-Cooked Whole Grain Golden Crispy Chicken Chunk Fritters that are contaminated with hard plastic. This is not to be confused with recognizable wads of poultry, attractive flecks and miscellaneous intentional ingredients.

Because this product is not sold in retail grocery stores, the recall is limited to food service customers — primarily schools — that have complained to Tyson about “foreign material” in their product. The fritters are not part of the National School Lunch Program but were purchased separately by individual schools nationwide, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Which means this is ordinary, garden-variety crappy food … not government-sanctioned crappy food.

To tell you the truth, these little fritters almost look appetizing, don’t they? Like Technicolor latkes!

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Ooh, more free fonts! My favorites today are the adorable dingbats collections like “Stam,” “Anchors” and “Birds & Cages,” which all get me psyched about designing more excellent mugs and greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Download links will appear below the graphic in case you want some of these for your own collection.

Bigfoot • Chopyor • Cattle Trail • Pine Forest • Aardwork • Faces • Stam
 Senhoras • Captain Comic • Night in Porto • Terry Junior • Anchors
Birds & Cages • Cordel Junina

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I’ve been busy, people! My latest online purchases include all of the following:

VERY NICE SUNBRELLA CUSHIONS in forest green from Plow & Hearth for the chaise lounge chairs on our patio. They’re arriving this afternoon.

OPTIX LENS TOWELETTES from Amazon. I ordered a great big box of 400 for $14.77, which is only one stinking buck more than a box of 200 from Bausch & Lomb … and the Optix towelettes get better reviews!

PERFUME OILS from Fragrance Shop in three designer scents: Flowerbomb, Calvin Klein Euphoria and DKNY Be Delicious. I sent Fragrance Shop an email this morning to nail down a delivery date; I placed the order on June 4 but I don’t think it ever shipped. (Oy.)

RITZY BLACK CARVED STEEL ORGANIZERS from Amazon for the small wood side table next to my hospital bed. The organizers arrived last week, and I’m so deliriously happy I wish I could understand why I didn’t do this sooner! I finally have lots of little cubbies, tiny shelves and teeny drawers to hold all the annoying bullshit — nasal spray, insulin syringes, my eyeglass case, a hairbrush, the TV remote, nail files, pills and so on — that used to fall off the table like clockwork at least five times a day. In the photo below, I ordered two of the first design and one of the larger, curved organizer pictured beneath it. Woo-hoo!

DYNAREX #5207 OXYGEN CANNULAS from CareLine Medical, a website that specializes in oxygen and respiratory products. The Dynarex #5207 is a soft nasal cannula with a seven-foot tube and flared curved tips. I use oxygen 24/7 now, and the #5207 is an exceptionally comfortable style (I’ve tried at least half a dozen) that doesn’t irritate my poor nose. I ordered five so I know I’ll always have a few spares. (Yes, a cannula will eventually wear out after nonstop use.)

For the record, there’s a brick-and-mortar medical supply store here in Mesquite that carries the Dynarex #5207, but they charge $7.95 each. CareLine sells the same product for only $1.98! And CareLine’s best deal (55¢ each) kicks in if you buy a case of 50, but it’s ridiculous for me to buy 50 because I only have two — count ’em, TWO! — nostrils.

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I’d kill for a couple of peanut butter cookies right now. Thank you for reading this.