The Howdygram 2: Thank you, Sam. You saved my life.

Well, it’s a few minutes after 8 a.m. on Sunday morning, and before I go any further I have to post the following very important statement regarding the earthquake in southern California a couple of days ago.

We may be a couple of Texans now, but Sam was born and raised in North Hollywood and nearly all of his relatives and friends still live in the Los Angeles area (except for a sprinkling who moved to Scottsdale and Seattle). I’ve also got a few relatives in L.A. (actually, in Pasadena) and a girlfriend in San Dimas.

Therefore, to those of you who read the Howdygram … PLEASE CHECK IN so we’ll know you’re all right! An email would be sufficient, but there’s no need to get carried away with texts, Western Union telegrams, phone calls, voice mail messages or Hallmark cards. (We’re not that worried.) Thank y’all.

I have four very nice free fonts for you right now! All are actually members of the same general category: DISPLAY FONTS. “Bananito” is hand-drawn, “Meroche” is a unicase font (the capitals and lowercase letters are all the same height) with a variety of interesting stacked letter combinations (note the “R” and the “O”), “Shelykids” is bold and playful, and “Romario” has some very original letter shapes and ligatures (check out the “M” and “A”).

Bananito • Meroche • Shelykids • Romario

Oh boy … pictures of the royal baby! The Duke and Duchess of Sussex (Prince Harry and Meghan) are pictured below with Baby Archie and attendees at his July 6 christening at Windsor Castle. Guests on display for a snooty family portrait include (back row) Prince Charles, Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, Princess Diana’s sisters Lady Jane Fellowes and Lady Sarah McCorquodale, and Prince William. The seated guests are Camilla (the Duchess of Cornwall), Prince Harry, Meghan (the Duchess of Sussex) baby Archie and Katherine (the Duchess of Cambridge).

Don’t be surprised that I’m so well-versed in the Brits’ royal titles because I totally love this shit. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night for decades to watch royal weddings live on TV, and I can’t wait for my first coronation when Charles becomes King … although I’m sure Queen Elizabeth, who’s a spring British chicken at only 93, still has a few good years left. Her lifetime of public service has been absolutely extraordinary.

As for Prince Philip (the Duke of Edinburgh) … he’s 98 years old! Pictured below, Phil at 98 is still completely ambulatory, walks unassisted and without a cane, can still climb stairs — he climbed the stairs at Westminster Abbey one month after hip replacement surgery last year! — and only recently gave up driving after a minor accident on the grounds of Sandringham Estate back in January of this year when the Prince rolled his Land Rover. He escaped unhurt but decided to relinquish his drivers’ license when he learned he could be prosecuted for colliding with another vehicle and injuring the driver.

I’m sure the Duke of Edingburgh will find somebody to chauffeur him around now. (I believe the Queen still has her license.)

It’s Sunday night, 10:15 p.m., and I’ll have to wake Sam in a few minutes to refill my tumbler of lemonade. I can’t run out of lemonade! This is a very huge deal because I feel very, very HOT right now, and I’m seriously uncomfortable. I kicked off my lightweight blanket about an hour ago, but that didn’t help very much, and my feet and hands feel like they’re on fire. Maybe I’ll distract myself by posting about the week ahead, which is always a favorite subject on Sunday nights. So … here’s what’s coming up this week at Howdygram headquarters!

MONDAY. My hospice C.N.A. will be here at 10:30 a.m. for a bathing and hygiene session, plus my weekly salon-quality shampoo. Sam provides the clean towels. We also have a grocery order for 11 a.m. pickup at Wal-Mart, and this afternoon Sam will make his weekly junket to Costco. We love Costco.

WEDNESDAY. I’ve got another C.N.A. session for bathing and hygiene this morning plus a visit from my hospice R.N. for a routine weekly checkup. In addition, our maid arrives at noon to clean Howdygram headquarters.

FRIDAY. Same as Wednesday, minus the nurse and the maid.

Incidentally, I thought I might have to add an emergency visit from our air-conditioning specialist to the events listed above as we were having an unexpected “issue” with our new central A/C unit tonight. At the top of this section I mentioned that I was feeling extremely hot. And when Sam woke up from his nap a couple of minutes ago he told me he was extremely hot, too … and that’s when he noticed that the thermostat, which actually had turned itself off, was reading 84°. HOLY SHIT! EIGHTY-FOUR DEGREES!? So Sam hauled himself out to the garage to fiddle with the circuit breaker, the A/C came back on, and all’s well. Thank you, Sam. You saved my life!

Before I wind this up and publish today’s Howdygram post I thought I’d make a list of all the things I miss now that I’m a bedridden invalid who can’t even stand up any more. Here we go, okay?

Lying in bed next to Sam. I haven’t been able to do this for at least five years!
Cooking.
Driving a car.
Taking a shower.
Decorating the house.
Dining out.
Road trips.
A trip to the Choctaw Indian Casino in Oklahoma, which always included a half-price lunch at their buffet with our senior citizen discount cards. The Choctaw Casino buffet had the best meatballs and pea salad EVER … plus a dessert bar with sugar-free pie!
Organizing my closets and pantry.
Farting around with my inkjet printer.
Shopping.
Going to the library.
Getting my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed.