This month’s catheter change was another total disaster.

Hi, everybody. It’s 12:03 a.m. Thursday morning and I’m finally getting around to the Howdygram. I’ve been on a brief hiatus due to a large volume of unexpected sleep, assorted digestion difficulties and an abundance of wild news emanating from our nation’s capitol. In case you’ve been hiding under a rock for the last few days, I think the treasonous orangutan in the White House is finally on his way out … and hopefully on his way to prison. Glory hallelujah!

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This might be a fine opportunity to share a couple of Trump-related photographs — specifically, the First Daughter and the First Prostitute — who both made headlines recently for the same reason.

First Daughter and Co-Grifter-in-Chief IVANKA TRUMP is pictured here on Monday at the U.N. General Assembly as she signaled gleefully to foreign dignitaries. In a similar pose, First Prostitute MALARIA TRUMP is shown below competing in a wet T-shirt contest at the Trump regime’s pathetic “Salute to America” on the Fourth of July. It’s not known if this was partly a promotion for Malaria’s Be Best initiative.

Show of hands. Does anybody remember when Republicans used to shred Michelle Obama for wearing a sleeveless dress?

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Today will be another banner day at Howdygram headquarters. A hospice nursing team (Sharon and Martha) will be here this morning at 11 for my monthly catheter change, and afterwards — if my stomach feels settled enough — I want a couple of teeny White Castle cheeseburgers (we have a box in the freezer) and a nice bottle of sugar-free A&W root beer. If my stomach doesn’t feel settled I’ll ask for a stupid bowl of Mott’s applesauce.

Also … Friday (tomorrow) at 9 a.m. our hospice social worker will be here for our monthly chat and at noon I’m expecting a visit from Dr. Wright, my roving podiatrist. He shows up quarterly to monitor my skinny diabetic feet, cut my nails, tell jokes and check for “skin breakdown” problems. What a career.

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More free fonts! There are some versatile options here, guys. My favorites are “Fruitz,” “Bantasi,” “Blackfat” and “Srikandy,” all of which include dozens and dozens of alternate characters and swashy doodads. Plus … “Srikandy” is a layering font with a bold extruded shadow, and “Jack and Zoe” is a six-font bundle. You’ll find download links after the graphic.

Jack and Zoe Font Bundle • Blood Bold • Fruitz • Bantasi 

Blackfat • Little Merry • Srikandy

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Know what? I splurged last night and bought some digital files from one of my favorite shops on Etsy.com … these include Vintage Grunge Textures in 100 colors and seamless Tartan Plaid Backgrounds in 100 colors. Both collections were on sale for $1.79 each (40% off). You just can’t beat a price like that for so much artistic inspiration!

In case you’re interested, these are actually the exact same 100 colors as several other collections that I bought a couple of weeks ago. Pictured below: 1) Luxury Foils; 2) Shimmer Glitter backgrounds; 3) seamless Rustic Wood; 4) seamless Glitter Marble; 5) seamless Kraft Paper textures; 6) seamless Shiny Foils; 7) seamless Diagonal Stripes; and 8) seamless Rustic Burlap. Oh my God, right?

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I think I need to provide a quick update.

It’s 12:30 p.m. and my monthly catheter change hoo-hah is finally over. Frankly, this was another total disaster. Nurses know a catheter is placed correctly when the patient starts to pee and they see a few drops in the tubing. In my case, Martha kept inserting the catheter, pulling it out, inserting it again, pulling it out again, over and over and over — at least SEVEN TIMES — because she didn’t see any pee in the tubing. Turns out, I just didn’t have an urge to pee. She didn’t need to keep yanking out the catheter … she just needed to wait a couple of minutes!

At the moment I’m feeling sore, bruised, aggravated, pooped, pissed off and angry. The only thing that might cheer me up today is something fun for lunch (Sam is on his way to Costco with explicit instructions) and a Judy Garland musical. I’m thinking Meet Me in St. Louis (1944) or Easter Parade (1948).

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.