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Once again I’m waking up after two long, long naps. The first was 18 hours, from 5:30 a.m. until 7:45 p.m. last night, and another four hours from 11 p.m. until 3 a.m. this morning, just a few minutes ago. Life is upside-down. I sleep all day, I’m up all night, but fortunately Sam is usually on the same schedule with me.

I’m not especially interested in who the hell my nurse is. No kidding.

Hey. It’s me again. I’ve been housebound and bedridden for about five years already, so I have to admit that I don’t have too much to write about if I try to produce a Howdygram post more often than once or twice a week. Sad, isn’t it? I’ve given up on reading the news — local, national, global — so political commentary is pretty much dead in the water. My life has shriveled to an endless string of 18-hour naps, urinary tract spasms and weird meals. I’ll just have to make do with writing whatever I want, whenever I want … and let it go at that. You’ll get used to it, I promise.

Sam has acquired the manly art of whackin’ down shit with a chainsaw!

Happy Wednesday morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m enjoying one of my favorite movies — Act One (1963) starring George Hamilton and Jason Robards — while Sam and I wait for a visit from my hospice’s Director of Nursing. Martha said she’d be here between 11 and 12 with a plan to discuss two different subjects: 1) can we please tell her which medications I don’t take any more* so she can update her records; and 2) she wants to figure out if there’s a way to make me more comfortable in bed because right now I’m not (comfortable, that is) and it’s entirely likely that I’m not breathing properly or digesting my food very well, either.

Remember in my last post when I told you I was losing interest in fonts? I lied.

It’s been a whole week since my last Howdygram post, but I’ve got a solid reason that: I’VE BEEN ASLEEP. Yes, for the whole goddamn week!

I’d hate to lose control of my nipples. I’m so fond of them!

I’ve got lots of stuff to tell you this afternoon, okay? It’s a few measly minutes after 3 p.m. and I just woke up from a long, long, long, long sleep. I just I asked Sam “how long” and his only reply was “L.O.N.G.” I’m guessing maybe 18 hours. My cannula is driving me crazy,  the air jets hurt like hell, I can’t really remember the last time I saw daylight, and now we’re due for heavy rain for the next several days and it’s already dark as a dungeon outside. Blecch. I thought it was Monday but just realized I was wrong … it’s Tuesday! I have no recollection of Saturday or Sunday, either.

Please note that no actual stir-frying ever occurs at Howdygram headquarters.

Yo, everybody. It’s Sunday afternoon, and I hope this finds you healthy, safe and pleasantly quarantined wherever the hell you may be. Sam and I, of course, have barricaded ourselves here at beautiful Howdygram headquarters, a charming subdivision that’s neatly nestled between genuine cattle ranches — and genuine cattle! — here in the Dallas metro area.

Keep an eye out for the zebras and cows.

Happy Thursday night from Howdygram headquarters. Once again Sam and I have been sleeping for a ridiculous number of hours — eight, 10, 12 or more! — at a stretch, barely staying awake long enough to eat a meal. (I spend a lot of quality time with iced tea and pitted Greek olives.)

The Howdygram Store is selling cloth face masks now!

MONDAY, APRIL 13, 2020. I have zero motivation tonight. ZERO. Sam and I just finished watching a ridiculous horror movie called The Wasp Woman (1959) starring Susan Cabot, and next up is the biopic They Died with Their Boots On (1941) starring Errol Flynn as General George Armstrong Custer. I don’t know if the Custer biography is accurate or not, but it’s definitely top-notch entertainment with some unforgettable performances.

I have no idea why I ordered six packages of fine egg noodles.

Hey. Good morning! It’s a few minutes past 8 a.m., Sam is in the study watching videos on YouTube, and I just finished one of my all-time favorite breakfasts … canned Hormel Beef Tamales with a side order of pitted Greek Kalamata olives in a teeny bowl. I suppose I should write my official product review now in case there are other senior citizens wondering what they should eat today.

China City had the gall to shut down on day one of the Coronavirus pandemic.

It’s a fresh, new day here at Howdygram headquarters. Today is Saturday, just a few minutes past “high noon,” Sam is asleep on the sofa, the weather outside is dark and depressing — no sunshine? what the fuck! — and I’m enjoying raspberry green tea and ordering tasty shit from Amazon. Because that’s what I do when I’m bored.

I’m having horrible diabetic neuropathy issues in my feet today.

Hello, guys. It’s the wee hours of Monday morning — 12:40 a.m., in case you’re interested — and I’m still trying to figure out what happened to Saturday and Sunday. Sam tells me that I slept through nearly all of it, with the exception of a 15-minute visit from my new hospice case manager (an R.N. named Nancy) around noon on Saturday. I don’t remember much about Nancy except she had good hair.

I’m pretty sure we’ll never experience a Greek olive shortage in Texas.

There’s still hope for America, boys and girls. Sam just got home from Wal-Mart and they had all the essentials we’ve been trying to find for the last few days … toilet paper, paper towels and paper napkins! He didn’t over-buy anything, either, so there’s enough left on the shelves for other shoppers. He also brought home a jar of Greek olives, but I’m pretty sure we’ll never experience a Greek olive shortage in Texas. (But you never know.)

The Howdygram Store is already stuffed with 675 iPhone cases. I just designed another 175.

This is definitely a new one for me. I’d written the first half of a Howdygram post, nodded off for a couple of hours, and when I woke up I realized I must have had my hand on the keyboard because the screen was filled with commas, one afer another, on and on and on … so many that I couldn’t scroll far enough to reach the end of them. Blogger has a nifty auto-save feature, though, so I decided to quit my browser (Safari) and relaunch it, figuring the post should’ve been intact from before my comma key had a cerebral hemorrhage.

I’ve got a couple of major bacterial infections running rampant in my body.

Yo, everybody. I’m taking a much-needed break from creating my latest collection of custom iPhone cases … 84 exciting brand new designs that I’ve been uploading to The Howdygram Store’s marketplace on Zazzle.com since 5 a.m. yesterday. I think my brain is ready to explode, although it actually feels good to be productive again after several weeks of inactivity. And once again I’ve also been under the weather.

Cherry pie and Greek olives … the perfect bedtime snack!

Yo, everybody.

Sam thinks the key to my knee pain is the inclement weather we’re expecting.

Yo, everybody. Obviously it’s been a while since my last Howdygram post — almost six days! — and that’s because I’ve been so fucking MISERABLE. For instance, I’m struggling with: 1) such intense joint pain that I can barely move my arms, legs, knees, feet or ankles; 2) urinary tract spasms every time I pee, even without a catheter; 3) tremors in my hands, wrists and fingers and mouth that make it difficult to type or even talk; and 4) sleeping for eight to 14 hours at a time, multiple times every day. Believe it or not, I haven’t seen daylight for almost a whole week, because I’m typically awake all night and finally conk out before sun-up every morning. Last week I even slept through more than one C.N.A. visit (I get a bath every day) and my Friday appointment with a hospice R.N. named Rachel!

There’s no end to the entertainment possibilities around here.

In case you haven’t noticed, I made a few changes to the Howdygram’s banner! They are: 1) the logo is smaller; 2) the black outline is heavier; and 3) I’m using a different font for the tagline (“Made in Texas,” etc.) and a slightly larger point size.

I really want to leave behind something of myself that’s profound and memorable.

To those of you who don’t know me very well, I’ve been writing for a long, long time. I started in grammar school with short stories and my own series of comic strips with crappy illustrations. (I was never very good at illustrations.) Later I moved on to poetry, longer stories, an autobiography titled Memoir of an Escaped Dental Patient (1999) and a cookbook called The Anorexic Gourmet (2002). I’ve also published countless screwy newsletters — anybody remember Popular Manure? — and the Howdygram made its debut when Sam and I moved to Texas in 2007.

Achy, Poopy, Droopy, Drippy, Crappy, Pishy and Blecch. Meet the new Seven Dwarfs!

I’m unwell. That’s a perfect word to describe the overall condition of my health! It’s early Saturday afternoon, and I’ve been unwell all day today. After a 14-hour nap: 1) I’m freezing cold and shivering; 2) my muscles and joints are killing me; 3) my arms are so stiff I can barely move them; 4) I can’t stop peeing; 5) I ache; 6) I’ve got a recurring case of indigestion and zero appetite; 7) my hair, head and neck are soaking wet from the aftermath of an apparently substantial fever; and 8) I can’t think of anything else, and I don’t want to. (My head hurts.)

Please remember Harry and Meghan in your thoughts and prayers.

Holy mother of crap … ANOTHER LOST DAY. It seems that I fell asleep this morning, shortly after a very early breakfast, and woke up at 8:45 p.m., barely an hour ago … feeling limp, lethargic and LOUSY.