There’s nothing worse than a semi-successful bedpan experience.

So far I’m not having a very good day. This time it’s been a never-ending problem with digestion, because food no longer has any flavor whatsoever and that makes it difficult to prevent starving to death. For the last several days I’ve only eaten applesauce, hot and sour soup from China City and an occasional chocolate meal replacement shake from Glucerna for elderly diabetics. I’m not happy at all. Sam is being sweet, entertaining, attentive and incredible, and I’m lying here in bed feeling like crapola. (And I’m hungry.)

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Sam just got home from a quick trip to Wal-Mart for a few Monday morning essentials: 1) more applesauce; 2) non-stick aluminum foil; 3) Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom soup; and 4) Russell Stover dark chocolate peppermint patties … because sometimes a girl needs a few bonbons to keep her spirits up.

I’ve got a news flash for you, though. A great deal of time elapsed between the previous paragraph and this one — about ELEVEN FUCKING HOURS — and I was sound asleep for all of them! I just lost another whole day again, and here are a few of the highlights:

• I fell asleep around 9 a.m., just a few minutes after Sam got home from his trip to Wal-Mart.
• I missed my 1 p.m. bath appointment with a hospice C.N.A. named Beauty. (Trust me, I wouldn’t joke about this.)
• I missed lunch and dinner.
• When I woke up at 8 p.m. I had two back-to-back burning bladder spasms, thanks an incurable urinary tract infection that probably will plague me for the rest of my life.
• Had a 45-minute false alarm with a bedpan.
• Asked Sam for a bowl of Great Value Chicken Noodle Soup and a teeny bottle of Diet Sunkist Orange soda.
• Watched The Girl from 10th Avenue (1935) starring Bette Davis and Ian Hunter plus Monday’s episode of “The People’s Court.” 

As soon as I take my bedtime meds I’ll probably conk out again and sleep until morning. Staying awake doesn’t seem to be an option any more.

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Here are a few more lovely free fonts for you, which run the gamut from scripts to quirky hand-drawn lettering to display fonts. Two of these fonts include some pleasant clip art … “Virgo Ornaments & Catchwords” and “Gloomy Halloween,” although the latter’s clipart isn’t actually a font, it’s a page of colorful vector illustrations geared towards children’s greeting cards or party invitations. (You’ll need software like Adobe Illustrator in order to use vector illustrations.)

I absolutely love the “Press Box” collection. It includes three fonts — “Press Box,” “Virgo” and “Virgo Ornaments” — each with a smudged and inky style reminiscent of an old-fashioned printing press.

Download links appear under the font list.

Seasoned Hostess • Gloomy Halloween • Press Box Bundle • Tierra Family

In case you’re interested, here are a few samples of the vector graphics you get with “Gloomy Halloween.”  Other images include a ghost, a spider web, bones, a black cat, a jack-o-lantern and a couple of bats. Woo-hoo!

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Hallelujah! I just had a semi-successful bedpan experience (don’t ask), and to celebrate the occasion Sam is on his way to China City to pick up two large orders of hot and sour soup. Illustrated on the map below are: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) China City; C) Denny’s on the I-30 service road, where senior citizens 55 and older can get scrambled eggs with bacon, sausage and pancakes for only $3.45; and D) picturesque cattle ranches in Sunnyvale with audible mooing.

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It’s 6:15 Wednesday morning, and I know two things right now: 1) my new hospice C.N.A., Beauty, will be here at 1 p.m. to give me a bath; and 2) I want pizza today. Specifically, a thin crust sausage and pepperoni pizza from Pizza Hut with hot pepper flakes. After living on applesauce for the last few weeks I don’t know how much pizza I’ll actually be able to eat, but it’s worth a shot. Plus, Pizza Hut is having a sale right now … a large three-topping pizza for $7.99, and this is nothing at which to sneeze!

I should have posted this hours and hours ago, but better late than never. Thank you for reading this. I mean it.