I haven’t set foot in my own kitchen for more than six years.

It’s a few minutes after midnight, Monday morning, and I’m pleased to announce that I don’t have indigestion. Mazel tov! My stomach is fucked-up almost all the time these days, so reporting an absence of indigestion is an awfully big deal.

One thing I do have, however, is an ongoing urinary tract infection that manifests itself as a horrible burning pain — it feels like lava! — every time I pee. This has been going on for three years, boys and girls, and I’m sick to death of it.

---

When Sam wakes up (he’s asleep on the sofa) I want him to review a new online Wal-Mart grocery order that I’m ready to place. We agreed a long time ago that Sam should evaluate my grocery lists because I don’t always remember what we already have in the fridge, freezer or pantry, primarily because I haven’t set foot in my own kitchen for more than six years due to being a bedridden geezer.

This week’s list includes:

• Great Value thin-sliced roast beef
• Six nice fluffy sub rolls
• McCormick Classic Au Jus Gravy mix
• Sparkle pick-a-size paper towels (six double rolls)
• Great Value diet brewed iced tea (two gallons)
• Carl Buddig chicken lunch meat (four packages)
• Halo Top sugar-free lemon ice cream (pint)
• Potato salad (two pounds)
• Banquet frozen teeny chicken pot pies (four)
• Great Value organic mushrooms (three jars)
• Hormel Compleats Roast Beef and Mashed Potatoes
• Hormel Compleats Chicken Breast and Dressing
• Hormel Compleats Chili with Beans (six)

The first three items on the list are pictured below. I’ve had a yoooge craving for a French dip sandwich for quite a while now, and this should take care of it! Sam, of course, will have to help me out with the prep work. He’ll need to: 1) make the au jus gravy, which involves boiling three cups of water; and 2) add a light crust to the sub roll by crisping it in the toaster oven for a couple of minutes. Woo-hoo! TODAY MARCY FINALLY GETS HER FRENCH DIP SANDWICH!

---

Character actor DANNY AIELLO (pronounced eye-YEL-oh), whose most famous films included: Moonstruck; Fort Apache, The Bronx; Do the Right Thing; The Purple Rose of Cairo; The Godfather II; Once Upon a Time in America; The Front; Radio Days; and Harlem Nights, died on Thursday at age 86. Aiello is survived by his wife of 60 years, three children and 10 grandchildren.

In case you give a crap, Aiello’s breakout role was Norman Jewison’s smash hit romantic comedy Moonstruck (1987), in which he co-starred as Cher’s doofus fiancé. Cher won best actress and Olympia Dukakis won best supporting actress Oscars. Although Aiello wasn’t nominated for anything, he was inundated afterwards with enough movie offers to set him up for decades of success. Moonstruck is one of my all-time favorite movies.

---

It’s Monday night, 10:45 p.m., and I’ve had quite a day for a bedridden invalid. For instance: 1) Sam picked up our Wal-Mart grocery order* at 11 a.m.; 2) there was an early afternoon visit from my hospice C.N.A. for a lovely full bath and hygiene session; and 3) I discovered that I can’t eat Hormel Compleats Chili with Beans any more because my taste buds are dead. Right now my only “sure things” where food is concerned include Buddig chicken lunch meat (58¢ at Wal-Mart), China City’s Hot and Sour soup; Idahoan four-cheese mashed potato cups, Banquet chicken pot pies (78¢ at Wal-Mart) and Otter Pops.

TAKE A WILD GUESS WHAT WAS OUT OF STOCK TODAY. Wouldn’t you know it? The only items missing from today’s Wal-Mart grocery order were the nice fluffy sub sandwich rolls and McCormick’s Au Jus Gravy mix … which meant NO FRENCH DIP! I’ll have to send Sam on a mission to Kroger tomorrow. Holy mother of crap.

---

I guess I’d better get some sleep. Thank you for reading this, and kindly ask your neighbors to remember the Alamo in case you’re not particularly interested.