Please keep an eye out for 2,000 pounds of contaminated ground beef.

This has been a very confusing day … completely upside-down. Here are the issues I’ve been dealing with, in case you give a crap.

The State Fair of Texas sells everything from vibrators to insulated windows.

Tuesday was a rough day for me, and today hasn’t been much better. It’s my miserable stomach again. After trying all day yesterday to eat one or two stinkin’ bites of food, the only success I had was a strawberry Glucerna meal replacement shake for elderly diabetics, one and a half string beans and a cup of applesauce. Fortunately, at dinnertime my adorable Sam volunteered to bring me a large order of live-saving hot and sour soup from China City … AND I ACTUALLY ATE THE WHOLE THING. Better yet, he said he’d be glad to buy hot and sour soup for me every day if I want him to … and I might have to take him up on that because almost nothing else sounds (or tastes) appealing any more.

I want to grab a short nap before someone starts yanking on my tubes again.

Happy Wednesday morning, boys and girls! It’s almost 3 a.m., and I’m waiting for Sam to wake up because I think I’M STARVING TO DEATH. He usually tumbles out of bed by 4 a.m. to enjoy a big pot of coffee and go for a two-hour walk while it’s still dark outside — retirement rocks! — but today I desperately need food before he gets involved in his regular routine. My request will include a toasted English muffin with pepper jack cheese, one large navel orange, a glass of iced tea and an excellent classic movie: Bombshell (1933) starring Jean Harlow and Franchot Tone. (This is actually an adorable screwball comedy that parodies Harlow’s life.)

I only have two nostrils.

Don’t get hysterical or recalibrate your monitor … in case everything looks slightly different but you can’t figure out what, I just spent half an hour tweaking the Howdygram’s colors! Now the text is a pleasant yet different shade of light blue instead of a dull blue/gray, and the post headlines are a darker navy than before. I also added some additional letterspacing here and there to make everything a little more legible.

I’ve been working on a new line of weird cat-themed greeting cards.

It’s the wee hours of Sunday morning, just a few minutes past midnight. The days have been rushing by! I began a Howdygram post on Monday night but never got past the opening paragraph; when I tried to pick it up again on Wednesday I lost interest almost right away and decided instead to work on a new line of weird cat-themed greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Two examples appear below for your possible interest.

My night-time guilty pleasure? A whole Sara Lee cheesecake and a soup spoon.

This has been a weird yet profoundly productive day for your favorite bedridden invalid. My activities have included: 1) designing two mugs and four thrilling new greeting cards for The Howdygram Store; 2) one long nap; 3) brushing my hair twice; 4) eating a small plate of mozzarella sticks with pasta sauce; 5) watching three fine movies … She Wore a Yellow Ribbon (1949) starring John Wayne, The Court Jester (1955) starring Danny Kaye, Basil Rathbone and Angela Lansbury, and Anchors Aweigh (1945) starring Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra; 6) getting overheated and asking Sam to turn on the air-conditioning; and 7) eating a Hostess Ding-Dong.

Here’s the classic definition of “declining.”

I’m not doing very well these days. It’s nothing major, really … just a bunch of little things all happening at the same time. I guess this is the classic definition of “declining.”

Happy New Year, everybody!

It’s 9:49 p.m. on New Year’s Eve. Sam’s unconscious on the sofa, I’m at my computer feeling moderately crappy, and That’s Entertainment I, II and III are playing live on Turner Classic Movies … because, quite frankly, if anything could make me feel better it would be an evening of classic MGM musicals. (And a handful of opioids.)

We’ve decided to postpone Thanksgiving for a couple of days because Sam has a toothache.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! It’s a few minutes after 8 a.m. and I hope you’ll indulge me for a moment so I can post my annual tacky holiday graphic.

Prescription refills make me want to blow my brains out.

It’s Sunday morning, 5:34 a.m., and there’s a lot going on at Howdygram headquarters right now! Sam and I are both wide awake — I never fell asleep last night and he’s been up since 3 a.m. — and actively involved in various projects. I’m fine-tuning this Howdygram post, and Sam is doing laundry. (I can see him running around in the back hallway.) I decided not to write a Howdygram post yesterday. Instead, I spent nine hours glued to my iMac workstation … designing my new line of iPhone cases for The Howdygram Store! Woo-hoo! I’ll include a little more detail (with pictures!) down below. Keep reading …

We’ve got major USDA recalls for ham and eggs. America is a fucking mess!

It’s the “wee hours” of Sunday morning — 12:47 a.m., to be exact — and I’ve decided to begin a new Howdygram post rather than go to sleep, and sleep would be the sensible option right now as I keep nodding off.

I had a brainstorm yesterday. Tell Sam to call the paramedics!

I don’t know why I’m writing a Howdygram post when I really should be eating Popsicles and watching Lawrence of Arabia (1962) starring Peter O’Toole and Omar Sharif. Obviously I’m unable to make very wise decisions any more. Frightening, isn’t it?

I need more sleep and I need it now. Thank you for reading this.

THURSDAY, 9/20/2018, 11:15 P.M. Good evening, boys and girls. Sam and I have been napping through some fine films tonight. So far these have included At War with the Army (1950) starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis and The Big Lift (1950) starring Montgomery Clift and Paul Douglas. Plus two episodes of “The People’s Court.”

Maybe it’s time to start thinking about Manischewitz matzo balls for lunch.

Happy Thursday morning to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters! It’s 10:37 a.m. and I just woke up. I realize this must sound slothful and indolent to those of you who still lead productive lives, but I’m retired, handicapped and housebound … and already I can tell I’m having difficulties today with tremors. The tremors mostly affect my hands and fingers … crazy, jerky, repetitive motions. For instance, if I’m deleting a series of emails by pressing the “delete” key, my fingers will continue to strike the keyboard for minutes afterwards until I make a conscious decision to actually move my hand. Very weird, very annoying … and very scary sometimes, too, especially when the tremors start up all over my body, and that includes my tongue, my mouth, my arms and my legs, and even occasionally my eyelids! Today, so far, the tremors are limited to my fingers and both hands.

Looks like there’s almost nothing left that’s safe to eat any more, although nobody ever got salmonella from Cheetos!

SUNDAY, JULY 22, 2018, 4:48 A.M. It’s Sunday morning, shortly before 5 a.m., and I keep trying to talk to the tall potted plant next to the TV because I think it’s Sam … but it’s NOT. On the other hand, however, I’m starving, so I think I’ll ask my resident spousal unit to heat me up a can of Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans for an early breakfast. The aforementioned beans are pictured below for your possible interest. Thank you.

Lock him up! Paul Manafort goes to jail.

Happy Friday, boys and girls! It’s not quite 7 a.m. and I’m wide awake on my chaise in the family room, typing like a bat out of hell and sipping a sugar-free Clear American black cherry soda. (I love this stuff.) Sam just departed for his morning walk and will probably be gone about two hours. (He always walks before the day starts to “heat up.” The high today will be 94°.)

We finally decided to move my big iMac workstation from the study into the family room.

Happy Monday morning from the new “nerve center” at Howdygram headquarters! It is with total glee and joyful hysteria that I make the following yoooge announcement: Yesterday Sam and I made the momentous decision to relocate my big iMac computer workstation from the study to the family room so I won’t feel like somebody drained the life out of my body any more.

Tuesday’s Morphine Mania … and other essential baloney.

It’s early Tuesday afternoon because I slept really late today — 11:30 a.m. — and I’m finally getting around to all the crap I usually do when I first wake up, like taking all my morning meds and eating a banana for tbe potassium. (That was a screwy opening sentence, wasn’t it?)

Lou Gehrig never missed a game ... and it killed him.

THURSDAY, 9:35 A.M. It’s a dark and overcast morning, and Sam is sitting in the garage — on his favorite retired desk chair — waiting for some YOOGE THUNDERSTORMS to roll in from Fort Worth. If you’d like to share this thrilling weather event with us please send an email as soon as possible … and bring your own cookies. Thank you.

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah, glorioski and yee-haw, everybody … this was a DOUBLE MILESTONE DAY for me!