Please note that no actual stir-frying ever occurs at Howdygram headquarters.

Yo, everybody. It’s Sunday afternoon, and I hope this finds you healthy, safe and pleasantly quarantined wherever the hell you may be. Sam and I, of course, have barricaded ourselves here at beautiful Howdygram headquarters, a charming subdivision that’s neatly nestled between genuine cattle ranches — and genuine cattle! — here in the Dallas metro area.

The Howdygram Store is already stuffed with 675 iPhone cases. I just designed another 175.

This is definitely a new one for me. I’d written the first half of a Howdygram post, nodded off for a couple of hours, and when I woke up I realized I must have had my hand on the keyboard because the screen was filled with commas, one afer another, on and on and on … so many that I couldn’t scroll far enough to reach the end of them. Blogger has a nifty auto-save feature, though, so I decided to quit my browser (Safari) and relaunch it, figuring the post should’ve been intact from before my comma key had a cerebral hemorrhage.

Real chicken that you refresh in hot water for three minutes. No kidding.

Hello, dear and faithful readers. I wanted to write a Howdygram post on Saturday but couldn’t make it happen, no-how. I was sick and miserable almost all damn day with crazy ailments I can barely recall, although I do remember just enough to post the following Shit-O-Meter readout.

The current temperature is 38°, and little Texans just ain’t used to this.

It’s Halloween, 8:15 p.m., and there have been zero trick-or-treaters today. Nada. NONE WHATSOEVER. And not only hasn’t anyone been ringing our doorbell, there aren’t even any children outside! I think part of the problem could be the weather, though, because it’s awfully cold right now in the Dallas metro area. The current temperature is 38°, and little Texans just ain’t used to this. (Big Texans aren’t really too thrilled with it, either.)

Warmest Halloween greetings to you and yours. Thank you … and adiós!

Surprise, surprise! My monthly catheter change was rescheduled for yesterday at 10:30 a.m. rather than today (Thursday). I was a little nervous about this because I’ve been struggling with more (very severe) burning bladder spasms, and didn’t think I’d be able to tolerate any medical procedures in and around my urethra. I was right, too. The catheter change hurt like hell. But there was one “plus” … at least Martha was able to insert the new catheter on her first attempt. Finally! (The last two monthly events were nightmares.) Also in attendance today were Leticia, my hospice C.N.A., who provided a bathing and hygiene session before the catheter festivities got underway, and Sam.

Nobody likes stingy pot roast.

I can’t figure out what else to do for entertainment right now so I guess I’ll get started on another Howdygram post. It’s a few minutes past midnight on Sunday morning, Sam is in bed, and I don’t feel like watching a movie, reading the national news, designing greeting cards for The Howdygram Store, answering email or staring at the fireplace … which happens to be the only available view from my hospital bed in the family room. I suppose I should warn you that I’m recovering from another miserable bedpan ordeal (don’t ask) and I’m not really feeling particularly upbeat or cheerful. Deal with it. I promise to do my best not to drag you down or irritate you, okay?

Without creative projects to work on I probably would have died from monotny.

Good afternoon, boys and girls. It’s late Friday afternoon and I just woke up from a very lovely, very long nap. Eight glorious hours. It could have been even longer, however, if our landscapers hadn’t showed up. (They’re mowing, edging, sweating, shouting and whacking. There’s a lot of fucking commotion out there.) Lately I’ve been keeping a “graveyard shift” schedule … falling asleep right after breakfast and waking up around 5 p.m.

Seriously, does this sound like something we can cure with vitamins?

Good morning. It’s a few minutes before 6 a.m. and I’m wide awake on my hospital bed in the family room. Before I jump into other subjects I need to make a huge proclamation about my pish. (To a bedridden invalid, pish can be a very large deal.)

I wish the Texas legislature would stop fucking around with legitimate prescriptions for opioids.

It’s a cold (48°), rainy, foggy, and generally nasty morning here in the Dallas metro area. I’m shivering in bed under two afghans and Sam just left for his daily pre-dawn hike in the woods, this time in a down jacket, gloves and knit beanie. Seriously. It’s supposed to warm up later today (68° according to Weather.com) so I’m always amazed that Sam wants to walk at 5:30 a.m. when it’s still cold and dark.

Consider spending spring break at the Alamo this year. It can be as much fun as Disney World.

Happy Friday, everybody. It’s a few minutes past 5 a.m., Sam is getting ready to go for his morning walk in the woods, and I’m trying to decide whether or not I’m hungry. (Quick decision: I am.) Fortunately there’s some lovely and interesting leftover food in the fridge right now, specifically: 1) a very juicy Sam-made cheeseburger; and 2) one slice of pizza.

Two excellent frozen pizzas for senior citizens, up close and personal.

SUNDAY, 2/10/2019, 3:45 A.M. Holy shit … I’m freezing! It’s the wee hours of Sunday morning, I’m buried beneath two knit afghans (a tan one and a red one) and I’m still shivering! I suspect that my urinary tract infection is playing havoc with me right now. I’ve got all the usual symptoms and probably a low-grade fever, too … which is why I’ve been frozen solid since Sam went to bed at midnight. Even worse, the weather is atrocious, too. Today’s high will be 41° with constant rain starting around 10 a.m. and lasting until mid-day on Monday. Rain, rain, rain! (Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!) And my arthritis sucks right now, too. Cold wet weather is just miserable for coots like me with shitty knees. GOD BLESS HYDROCODONE!

If you can find time to remember the Alamo, you’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din!

Hi-de-ho, everybody … it’s 10 a.m. Thursday morning, and we’re in the middle of a thunderstorm here … thunder and lightning and rain! I’m on the chaise in the family room, and Sam is in the garage with the overhead door open, watching the storm roll through. It’s like being part of a National Geographic special.

I’m a huge fan of the Bolshevik revolution.

Howdy-do. It’s 2:45 Wednesday morning, Sam is in bed and I’ve decided to kill a couple of hours writing a post for the Howdygram, slugging Crystal Light raspberry green tea on ice and designing mugs for my store on Zazzle.com. Also a custom blanket for my best friend’s daughter’s baby shower next month in Chicago. (No, obviously I can’t go. Stop getting so hysterical.) Yesterday I spent most of the day designing greeting cards. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

“At some point in the future we’re going to look back and say, how did we do it without space?”

Here’s wishing y’all a very happy Second of July, a day with no significance whatsoever unless you’re the poor slob who has to spend two hours in line at Wal-Mart buying hot dogs for the Fourth. As for Sam and me, we’ll just hang out at Howdygram headquarters with some fabulous old movies, Crystal Light peach/mango iced tea and my favorite guilty pleasure for lunch: Mountain House freeze-dried Spaghetti with Meat Sauce [read my review*] for housebound senior citizens who can’t stand up any more to cook things. Sure looks tasty, doesn’t it?

I just discovered Instacart grocery service and can’t wait to give it a shot.

Happy Monday morning, boys and girls! It’s 2:25 a.m., Sam is in bed and I think I’m bored. I’m completely fed up with the news — hasn’t anybody impeached that fucker yet?! — and not sleepy enough to go to bed because I conked out in the family room after dinner and woke up about an hour ago. Oy. I’m upside-down again! Right now I’m parked in the study with a fistful of pills, my bedtime insulin injection and a bag of Mountain House’s brand new Homestyle Chicken Noodle Casserole, which I’ll review for you below.

I’m almost too damn drugged to walk.

Yo. I thought I’d take a few minutes to start a Howdygram post even though I’m not having much luck keeping my eyes open. I’ve been drooping from side to side at my desk for the last hour or so, and it mostly feels like I’m almost unconscious. I don’t understand this. I woke up this afternoon at 3 after seven very solid hours of sleep, and the time at the tone will be 6:05 p.m. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

Trump didn’t want the White House press corps to watch him play golf on Saturday. So guess what he did!

I started writing a Howdygram post overnight and just lost ALL OF IT. Holy shit, I’m devastated. I was about 80% finished, and everything is gone now! I guess I’ll have to start over and try to remember what I was writing about ... which won’t be easy, because I can’t even remember what I just ate for breakfast. I HATE THIS.

Monday is “Costco day” at Howdygram headquarters.

I’ve got a million very important subjects to cover in this Howdygram post so I’ll skip all the introductory hoo-hah and just get right to the point, okay? I think I’ll even do my popular neatly-subtitled paragraphs!

“The Brain That Wouldn’t Die” is a ridiculous and wonderful schlockfest.

Know what? There’s something warm and comforting about typing furiously in the study at 5:30 in the morning while Sam is still in bed. This is a private, productive and intensely creative time for me that’s usually accentuated by good drugs, low overall chronic pain and — best of all — I don’t have to share my Veggie Straws and Diet Sunkist with anybody. It’s the BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!

A tale of dead taste buds and bursting blood blisters.

Hello, what’s new and happy Thursday from Howdygram headquarters! Today in the wee hours of the morning my various and sundry chronic health complaints include: 1) dead taste buds due to diabetic neuropathy; 2) severe knee pain; 3) a headache; and 4) BURSTING BLOOD BLISTERS on the back of my left thigh because pressure sores apparently aren’t disgusting enough. I DON’T NEED THIS, PEOPLE. As a matter of fact, I’m feeling mighty lousy right now and probably should put my feet up and watch one of the excellent movies stored on our DVR. I’m thinking Hayley Mills or The Martian (2015) starring Matt Damon. Or maybe BOTH!