I’m not feeling well at all right now. Not at all.

Hey. It’s 9 p.m. Saturday night, I just woke up from a nine-hour nap, and I have to tell you what’s been going on around here. Howdygram headquarters has been a regular “hotbed” of activity!

Please keep an eye out for 2,000 pounds of contaminated ground beef.

This has been a very confusing day … completely upside-down. Here are the issues I’ve been dealing with, in case you give a crap.

I haven’t set foot in my own kitchen for more than six years.

It’s a few minutes after midnight, Monday morning, and I’m pleased to announce that I don’t have indigestion. Mazel tov! My stomach is fucked-up almost all the time these days, so reporting an absence of indigestion is an awfully big deal.

I’ve been working on a new line of weird cat-themed greeting cards.

It’s the wee hours of Sunday morning, just a few minutes past midnight. The days have been rushing by! I began a Howdygram post on Monday night but never got past the opening paragraph; when I tried to pick it up again on Wednesday I lost interest almost right away and decided instead to work on a new line of weird cat-themed greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Two examples appear below for your possible interest.

Sam and I have a flock of Doris Day’s best movies stored on our DVR.

I missed my opportunity this year to wish many of you a happy Mother’s Day, and I apologize for that. I sincerely hope I’ll have a chance to try again in 2020. To tell you the truth, though, I’d be happy just to make it through New Year’s Eve. Let’s hold a good thought. Thank you.

I’m not comfortable, well or happy right now. Not even a little bit.

I really hate it when I have to start a post like this, but please accept my yooge apology for taking a few days off. Obviously, this is my first post since last Saturday … and for two excellent reasons: 1) I was occupied doing something else; and 2) I also wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to depress anybody. Got that?

I wish the Texas legislature would stop fucking around with legitimate prescriptions for opioids.

It’s a cold (48°), rainy, foggy, and generally nasty morning here in the Dallas metro area. I’m shivering in bed under two afghans and Sam just left for his daily pre-dawn hike in the woods, this time in a down jacket, gloves and knit beanie. Seriously. It’s supposed to warm up later today (68° according to Weather.com) so I’m always amazed that Sam wants to walk at 5:30 a.m. when it’s still cold and dark.

I’m old, I’m bedridden, I’m susceptible and I’m catheterized.

FRIDAY, 2/8/2019, 9:27 P.M. It’s a rather pleasant Friday evening here at Howdygram headquarters. While Sam enjoys his usual after-dinner nap I’ve decided to write a quick post because there’s all kinds of important shit you need to know. Grab a chair!

Captain Parmenter died on Saturday.

Happy Sunday night from Texas. y’all. I’ve had a mostly-abyssmal day that included: 1) relentless burning pain from the world’s shittiest urinary tract infection; 2) a panic attack; 3) getting very sweaty for no reason; and 4) not enough to eat even though Sam let me have a slice of his private apple pie. (Yes, he has private apple pies!)

Severe abdominal pain, backed-up kidneys and the nurse from hell.

When it’s a few minutes past midnight, would you think that it’s late Monday night or early Tuesday morning? For the sake of clarity I’ll have to go with early Tuesday morning and continue to move on with my Howdygram post. Deal with it, okay?

Remember … the Alamo is nothing at which to sneeze.

Good morning, boys and girls! Well, okay, it’s not really morning … it just feels like morning because Sam woke me up a couple of minutes ago to say good night and remind me to take my bedtime meds, so I decided to stay awake for a little while and work on the Howdygram. Got it?

The Fourth of July should only be celebrated on the weekend when people have time.

Hey, boys and girls … I’ve had a busy day! It’s only 2 p.m., and so far I ... 1) woke up at 7:45 a.m. while Sam was still out enjoying his daily walk; 2) consumed my last antibiotic tablet chopped-up in a mound of Cool Whip; 3) took my regular breakfast-time drugs, including extended release Morphine and good ol’ ordinary Norco; 4) printed a Wal-Mart grocery list for Sam, who went to the store as soon as he got home from his walk; and 5) fell back asleep immediately after typing item #4. Holy crap.