I’m not especially interested in who the hell my nurse is. No kidding.

Hey. It’s me again. I’ve been housebound and bedridden for about five years already, so I have to admit that I don’t have too much to write about if I try to produce a Howdygram post more often than once or twice a week. Sad, isn’t it? I’ve given up on reading the news — local, national, global — so political commentary is pretty much dead in the water. My life has shriveled to an endless string of 18-hour naps, urinary tract spasms and weird meals. I’ll just have to make do with writing whatever I want, whenever I want … and let it go at that. You’ll get used to it, I promise.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Why can’t it be onion rings?

I haven’t decided yet if this will be a long or a short Howdygram post because there’s a lot of very important crapola going on here today and tomorrow.

Sam has acquired the manly art of whackin’ down shit with a chainsaw!

Happy Wednesday morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m enjoying one of my favorite movies — Act One (1963) starring George Hamilton and Jason Robards — while Sam and I wait for a visit from my hospice’s Director of Nursing. Martha said she’d be here between 11 and 12 with a plan to discuss two different subjects: 1) can we please tell her which medications I don’t take any more* so she can update her records; and 2) she wants to figure out if there’s a way to make me more comfortable in bed because right now I’m not (comfortable, that is) and it’s entirely likely that I’m not breathing properly or digesting my food very well, either.

Keep an eye out for the zebras and cows.

Happy Thursday night from Howdygram headquarters. Once again Sam and I have been sleeping for a ridiculous number of hours — eight, 10, 12 or more! — at a stretch, barely staying awake long enough to eat a meal. (I spend a lot of quality time with iced tea and pitted Greek olives.)

The Howdygram Store is selling cloth face masks now!

MONDAY, APRIL 13, 2020. I have zero motivation tonight. ZERO. Sam and I just finished watching a ridiculous horror movie called The Wasp Woman (1959) starring Susan Cabot, and next up is the biopic They Died with Their Boots On (1941) starring Errol Flynn as General George Armstrong Custer. I don’t know if the Custer biography is accurate or not, but it’s definitely top-notch entertainment with some unforgettable performances.

I think I might get back to sending birthday cards this year!

It’s a couple of minutes after 4 a.m. on Sunday morning, and I have no idea what the hell ever happened to Saturday. I think I slept for 22 out of 24 hours, never saw one stinking minute of daylight, and now I’m lying here in the dark, binge-watching “Bar Rescue” reruns, eating cashew butter — this stuff is so AWESOME! — from the jar with a plastic spoon and peeing like a race horse … actually eliminating far more liquid than I consume.*

Achy, Poopy, Droopy, Drippy, Crappy, Pishy and Blecch. Meet the new Seven Dwarfs!

I’m unwell. That’s a perfect word to describe the overall condition of my health! It’s early Saturday afternoon, and I’ve been unwell all day today. After a 14-hour nap: 1) I’m freezing cold and shivering; 2) my muscles and joints are killing me; 3) my arms are so stiff I can barely move them; 4) I can’t stop peeing; 5) I ache; 6) I’ve got a recurring case of indigestion and zero appetite; 7) my hair, head and neck are soaking wet from the aftermath of an apparently substantial fever; and 8) I can’t think of anything else, and I don’t want to. (My head hurts.)

Introducing The Applesauce Diaries.

SUNDAY, 2:59 A.M., 10/13/2019. Good morning, y’all. I’m trying to wind down after the night from hell. Indigestion again! My stomach started churning last night around 7:30 but none of the usual remedies worked for me. These included all of the following …

I’ll bet you didn’t know that I’m psychic.

Here’s something different … I’m feeling creative and prolific right now but can’t quite pin down the best way to express myself. Here are my options: 1) design a few new greeting cards; 2) write a newsy Howdygram post; 3) get busy creating new holiday products for The Howdygram Store, such as decorative pillows, coasters and fleece throws.

Catheters, rain gutters and remembering Cincinnati Chili.

Hello, hello, and happy Tuesday morning. While I wait for a thunderstorm to roll through here I think I owe you guys an explanation: I don’t write Howdygram posts very often any more because I’m always asleep! Sam estimated that I slept about 18 hours yesterday and spent the rest of the time trying to keep my eyes open, deciding whether or not I was hungry, and (finally) should I watch a movie or design another greeting card for The Howdygram Store now that I’ve moved on from iPhone cases.

My life is certainly a whirlwind of fun and frivolity, isn’t it?

Sam and I had a rather blah Sunday. He’s been bored and cranky from the triple-digit heat — and the fact that you can’t go anywhere that involves parking your car in the sun — and I’m feeling achy and crappy even though we enjoyed a nice little bowl of chili for dinner (Sam and I always love a nice little bowl of chili) and watched one of our most cherished classic movies, Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen (1950), which we hadn’t seen for an awfully long time. Rather than delete The African Queen, though, I think I’ll save it in the “Keepers” folder on our DVR because I don’t want to wait another 10 years before I see it again.

A little extra pasta here and there probably keeps me from starving to death.

You know your life is surreal — Jesus, no kidding! — when it’s 5:17 a.m., you’re eating a can of spicy Ro-Tel tomatoes with habanero peppers and watching the original Gidget (1959) starring Sandra Dee, James Darren and Cliff Robertson.

Thank you, Sam. You saved my life.

Well, it’s a few minutes after 8 a.m. on Sunday morning, and before I go any further I have to post the following very important statement regarding the earthquake in southern California a couple of days ago.

Incidentally, pressure sores are not good news. You do NOT want pressure sores!

It’s the pre-dawn hours of Tuesday morning — 4:30 a.m. to be exact — and Sam is getting ready to go for his morning “constitutional” in his favorite forested area in south Mesquite. Before he leaves, though, I asked him to nuke a bag of frozen cauliflower for me.

Rasputin’s death scene is very satisfying, completely outrageous and 100% unforgettable.

I honestly don’t think I’m motivated enough to work on a Howdygram post right now, because I just spent the last couple of hours writing three (long overdue) emails and promised myself I’d kick back a little afterwards and watch one of my favorite culty old movies. I’m referring to Rasputin and Empress (1932) starring Ethel, Lionel and John Barrymore … the only time all three Barrymores shared the screen together. Wow, right?

At times I really enjoy turning the family room lamps on and off.

Hello, people. I think I’ve managed to sigh myself into a mild depression that started yesterday when I asked Sam if he realized I’ve been bedridden for almost a whole year. I’ve just spent 12 months in a hospital bed, in the same position, staring at the same wall, unable to walk and unable to even stand up. I guess that’s probably enough to depress anybody.

There’s nothing I can do to raise my numbers or make this better. My heart is failing, period.

Shalom, welcome and how’s everything with all y’all*!? It’s a few minutes past 3:45 on Sunday morning and I thought I’d kill a little time with a Howdygram post. I just spent the last 24 hours designing more greeting cards for The Howdygram Store, and I definitely need a break right now from all that stinkin’ creativity. An Andy Hardy movie, Hostess SnoBalls and a pair of Hydrocodones would be a fabulous way to unwind. (Especially the Hydrocodones.)

Happy third birthday, Hudson!

It’s early Tuesday morning at Howdygram headquarters — only a few minutes past 1 a.m. — and there’s actually a great deal of activity going on here at this wee hour. For instance, I just finished binge-watching a week’s worth of “People’s Court” reruns while Sam massages cream conditioner into our leather sectional sofa. We’re definitely a pair of motivated night owls.

The first time Sam and I saw this movie we nearly peed in our pants.

Happy Monday, boys and girls! It’s a few minutes past 7 a.m., Sam is still out for his daily “power walk” at a park in south Mesquite, and I just woke up from a juicy little nap. Just another typical morning here at Howdygram headquarters … but already with a truckload of pain in my legs, knees and feet. Therefore I just took my breakfast-time meds and 20mg of Hydrocodone. I know I’ll feel much better about half an hour from now. Hurry! 

I stopped eating crunchy snacks, so the taste of salt is abhorrent now.

SUNDAY, 1/27/2018, 9:47 P.M. Hello and happy Sunday night from Howdygram headquarters! Sam is asleep on the sofa, so I thought this might be a fine time to launch another post while I try to bounce back from severe indigestion. I will never EVER eat Aidells Caramelized Onion Chicken Meatballs again. Sam bought them at Costco a couple of days ago, and they’re greasy, too heavily seasoned and exceptionally salty. I think what I hate most is the “exceptionally salty” part, because my diet changed dramatically when I found out last year that I have congestive heart failure. I stopped eating crunchy snacks, so the taste of salt is abhorrent now. (I haven’t even eaten one stinking Cheeto since 2017!)