The news from Catheterland tonight is excellent.

Holy crap. Yesterday was the WORST. THURSDAY. EVER.

The shitshow started around 2:30 in the afternoon when a steady stream of hospice nurses — three of them! — tried and failed multiple times over the course of four hours to execute a simple catheter change. When the last team finally bailed out I was left uncatheterized to pish on a bunched-up wee-wee pad. Every time I was catheterized my pee wouldn’t drain into the bag … I’d pee on myself.

Finally, the on-call night nurse, Martha, showed up at 11 p.m. because I’d been lying around in an unacceptable puddle of pish since dinnertime, and nobody had responded to Sam’s two previous phone calls to the hospice answering service. Dear Martha, who’s known far and wide as the hospice’s “catheter queen,” tried and tried and tried but didn’t have any luck, either … although the biggest obstacle at that point was SEARING PAIN, so she decided to postpone trying a 15th insertion until sometime Friday afternoon. Oh joy. Until then, Sam is stuffing wee-wee pads underneath me.

Right now, people, I desperately need a distraction. Something entertaining and exciting. Since I’ve been completely bedridden for more than a year, though, I really don’t have a lot of possibilities for entertainment and excitement. Therefore one or more of the following would be acceptable:

• A bowl of Rice-a-Roni leftovers from lunch and/or a nice bag of frozen peas. (I love nice peas!)
• A classic MGM musical like Meet Me in St. Louis (1944) starring Judy Garland. Another option would be Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954) starring Richard Carlson and Julie Adams.
• Asking Sam to change my wee-wee pad. He’s supposed to do this every two hours, but he fell asleep a few minutes after Martha left and I haven’t had the heart to wake him.
• A good night’s sleep. And pain-free, if at all possible!

---

I think you deserve an update to the previous section. Drum roll! It’s Friday night, and the news from Catheterland is EXCELLENT. Martha came back this afternoon with the hospice administrator, Bea, and together they successfully found my urethra (which apparently had gone missing) and inserted a catheter with no pain and no setbacks whatsoever. The nightmare is over … and everybody survived, including Sam.

I apologize if Marcy’s Adventures in Catheterland provided a little too much information. You’ll get over it, okay?

---

Take a guess who’s celebrating his birthday today. Give up? It’s Sam … and he’s officially 60 years old!

As a housebound senior citizen I can’t really do much of anything to celebrate with him any more, so a few hours ago Sam took himself out for lunch to his favorite restaurant — judging by the number of times he’s been there alone to rejoice about one thing or another — and that would be Scotty P’s at Firewheel Mall in north Garland. I have very fond memories of Scotty P’s. The burgers are incredible and their onion rings are epic!

---

I’ve got a couple of font bundles for you today, and both of them offer a lot of fonts I haven’t installed on my iMac. The first one, the “KP72 Font Bundle” is a collection of 72 beautiful and interesting scripts and display fonts. I installed only four of them … “Amelie,” “DJ Fancy,” Freeze” and “Sparkly.” The other one, the “GF20 Font Bundle,” offers 20 unique grunge display fonts. I installed “Guignols.” One or both of these font bundles would be an excellent (and appreciated) hostess gift for your Fourth of July barbecue. (Instead of bringing a cherry pie, bring fonts!)

I also want to mention “Scarlet,” a family of 19 fonts that includes six weights with matching italics and seven complementary scripts. Is that fabulous, or what?

Download links appear after the graphic. Live and be well.

KP72 Font Bundle • Inotropic • Grunge Font Bundle • Scarlet • Toasty Cheese

---

I’ve had an exceptionally shitty afternoon. It all started while Sam was out for lunch and I ate two forkfuls of leftover egg foo young and immediately had trouble digesting it. Oh my God, what a mess. I eventually threw up and then fell asleep for seven hours. SEVEN HOURS! Right now it’s 7 p.m. and I asked Sam to make a can of soup for me because I feel hollow inside. Trouble is, I’m not sure if I can eat anything yet or not. I guess we’ll find out soon enough. In the meantime we’ll watch Gentleman Jim (1942) starring Errol Flynn and Alexis Smith.

And on this pleasant note I’ll sign off on Saturday night and try my chances with some solid food! Thank you for reading this. Have you remembered the Alamo lately?