Click here to view a detailed explanation of our Shit-O-Meter numbers.
My NEW AIR MATTRESS is atrocious. It’s lumpy, it’s hard, and it makes me feel like I’m falling off the edge. I hate it, I don’t want it, I can’t sleep on it, and when the rest of Texas wakes up about eight hours from now I want Sam to call the hospice and ask them to replace this goddamn thing with another normal hospital bed AS SOON AS GODDAMN POSSIBLE. (I want the same kind of bed they took away yesterday afternoon.) Jesus.
I endured another CATHETER BROUHAHA yesterday. The hospice R.N. couldn’t locate my urethra, so after two attempts she decided to insert the catheter into a mystery cavern, resulting in considerable discomfort and (obviously) uncontrollable urination all over my nice new bed. She made a phone call to ask for help from the director of nursing, who was in Fort Worth and explained that she wouldn’t be able to get here for at least two hours. So I laid in bed and peed all over myself until 4:30 in the afternoon. Six hours.
I ACHE FROM HEAD TO TOE, the end result of way too much physical activity on Wednesday, including: 1) getting rolled, shlepped and yanked on a “draw sheet” by Sam and two nurses when they transferred my body onto the new bed and adjustable air mattress; 2) three unsuccessful attempts at catheterization involving lots of extreme leg positions and stress on my pathetic knees; and 3) the shape of the air mattress feels several inches narrower than a regular mattress so I’m constantly clenching my muscles to prevent myself from rolling off, which is VERY disturbing; and 4) I can’t think of anything else right now.
I endured another CATHETER BROUHAHA yesterday. The hospice R.N. couldn’t locate my urethra, so after two attempts she decided to insert the catheter into a mystery cavern, resulting in considerable discomfort and (obviously) uncontrollable urination all over my nice new bed. She made a phone call to ask for help from the director of nursing, who was in Fort Worth and explained that she wouldn’t be able to get here for at least two hours. So I laid in bed and peed all over myself until 4:30 in the afternoon. Six hours.
I ACHE FROM HEAD TO TOE, the end result of way too much physical activity on Wednesday, including: 1) getting rolled, shlepped and yanked on a “draw sheet” by Sam and two nurses when they transferred my body onto the new bed and adjustable air mattress; 2) three unsuccessful attempts at catheterization involving lots of extreme leg positions and stress on my pathetic knees; and 3) the shape of the air mattress feels several inches narrower than a regular mattress so I’m constantly clenching my muscles to prevent myself from rolling off, which is VERY disturbing; and 4) I can’t think of anything else right now.
Incidentally, the hospice just texted Sam to tell him I’ll be transferred back to a regular hospital bed sometime on Thursday. I’m not happy about this. NOT HAPPY.
Time, as they say, marches on.
It’s 7:45 Thursday morning now, Sam is home from his morning constitutional out in the woods, and I’m lying here with a nice glass of sugar-free peach iced tea waiting for my hospice crew to get here, as they’ll help transfer my carcass to a replacement hospital bed, which arrives at 10 a.m.
I have no idea if that last sentence is correct or not. I’ve read it to myself so many times I’m blue in the face already. (If anything’s missing just send me an email. Thank you.)
- The Pioneer Woman Smothered Chicken
- Dickey’s Smoked Hot Links
- Mrs. Baird’s Jumbo Hamburger Buns
- Great Value Extra Noodle Chicken Soup Mix (two boxes)
- Great Value Awake Strawberry Cereal
- Great Value Vitamin D Milk, half gallon (only 89¢!)
- Fast Fixin’ Country Fried Steaks with Beige Mucilage Gravy
- Great Value Crispy Battered Fish Fillets
- Raymundo’s Creme Parfait Gelatin Cups
- Large Curd Cottage Cheese
- Dole Crushed Pineapple (two teeny cans, no sugar added)
- Egg White Patties
- Maruchan Yakisoba Teriyaki Beef Noodles
- Hormel Compleats Chili with Beans (five airline-size containers)
- Wal-Mart Potato Salad
- Idahoan Four-Cheese Mashed Potato Cups (package of four)
- Bob Evans Sour Cream and Chive Mashed Potatoes
- Great Value Small Shells Pasta
- Diet A&W Root Beer (two six packs of 20-oz. bottles)
- Kraft American Cheese Singles
- Great Value Finely Shredded Medium Cheddar Cheese
- Sweet Baby Ray’s Sweet ’n Spicy Barbecue Sauce (40-oz. bottle)
- Stouffer’s Spaghetti with Meat Sauce individual meal
Kilanta Display Duo • Halloween • Angelica Duo • The Clastic
Bunchy Moon • Irish Gold • Pieches • Rockleys
Bunchy Moon • Irish Gold • Pieches • Rockleys
In the previous section I referenced new scripts that are practically illegible, so I thought I’d share a few that I downloaded as examples. Check ‘em out:
I think these three fonts — “Dim Berkitana,” “Roosy Script” and “Wamelo” — are absolutely disgraceful. The letter shapes are bizarre, the work is sloppy, and that last one (“Wamelo”) is probably the worst of them all. During the last four or five years script fonts have been increasingly messy and impossible to read on purpose, and that’s a trend I hate and don’t understand. Maybe it’s a reflection of 21st century penmanship now that schools don’t teach cursive any more! What the fuck ...
Time to get back to my greeting card designs. Please remember the Alamo and turn out the lights when you’re done here. Thank you for reading this.
No comments:
Post a Comment