Please remember Harry and Meghan in your thoughts and prayers.

Holy mother of crap … ANOTHER LOST DAY. It seems that I fell asleep this morning, shortly after a very early breakfast, and woke up at 8:45 p.m., barely an hour ago … feeling limp, lethargic and LOUSY.

Sam taught me how to meditate last night. I married a genius!

Happy Wednesday morning from Howdygram headquarters. It’s almost 4 a.m. and I’m pleased to report that I feel MUCH, MUCH BETTER than I did yesterday, when I stayed awake all night gagging and choking on a fistful of bedtime prescription medications that dissolved in my throat after I fell asleep unexpectedly … a thoroughly sickening “stew” of Gabapentin Trazodone, Hydrocodone, Amitriptyline and Metoprolol. Blecch!

It’s not a blister … it’s an ULCER!

MONDAY, 5/21/2018, 9:54 A.M. An “ulcer” is the preliminary diagnosis from my podiatrist, who offered the information this morning after I sent him a photo of my left heel. They’re working out a home visit for next week and also arranging for a home health nurse to begin some wound care therapy.

I’m pretty sure the Queen doesn’t eat rib tips, grits or collard greens.

SATURDAY, 5/19/2018, 10:35 P.M. Just a short “update” post before I go to sleep: I CAN BREATHE AGAIN! After being unable to take a deep breath for the last 48 hours I’m pleased to announce a recovery that’s still in progress. Baylor HouseCalls’ weekend medical crew told me to take a more substanial dose of Lasix (40mg in the morning, 20mg in the afternoon) … and IT WORKED. I’ve been peeing like Niagara Falls every 60 minutes since 7:30 this morning, which is exhausting, frustrating and seriously inconvenient … mostly because I can’t usually make it to the commode. (Thank God we’ve got a huge box of wee-wee pads.) Lasix is pulling every ounce of liquid out of my body, exactly as it’s supposed to do. And Baylor even sent a radiology technician to take a chest x-ray. I’m waiting to hear about the results.

All I want for Hanukkah is a portable oxygen tank and a cannula.

SATURDAY, 5/19/2018, 4:16 A.M. Yes, friends, I’ve been watching the royal wedding on NBC since 3:30 this morning! I’m such a sucker for anything that involves Britain’s royal family … weddings, babies, all those screwy hoo-hah celebrations for the Queen — her birthday, the anniversary of her coronation, the day she bought her first box of royal tampons, and so on — and today’s big event is no exception. At the moment I’m watching members of the royal family arrive at Windsor Castle for Harry and Meghan’s wedding. Oy, what a bunch of well-dressed yahoos with fabulous hats!

Don’t miss the royal wedding on Saturday … the ritzy soirée begins at 3:30 a.m.

FRIDAY, 5/18/2018, 5:45 A.M. Good morning from Texas! It’s very early here, still pitch black outside, and I’ve been up since around 4 a.m. Frankly, I’m almost positive that I forced myself to wake up this morning because I thought the royal wedding was today … but it’s NOT. It’s tomorrow! So instead, to amuse myself, I asked Sam to nuke a breakfast biscuit for me (with egg, cheese and sausage) with Pepperidge Farm pizza-flavored goldfish as a side dish. (Regular cheese-flavored goldfish would be okay, too. We have both kinds.)

There’s a weekend of huge thrills coming up at Howdygram headquarters.

WEDNESDAY, 5/16/2018, 9:47 P.M. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with me tonight, but I haven’t felt very creative. Or cheerful. Or anything. I’ve started and deleted three Howdygram posts, and now it’s already approaching 10 p.m. and I’m ready to lie down and conk out. Jesus.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a teeny new prince!

There’s big news bubbling forth today from Buckingham Palace … the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a teeny new PRINCE! The royal bundle of adorableness, who’s fifth in line to the throne, weighed in at 8 pounds 7 ounces. However, since the Duke and Duchess probably don’t need any bibs, onesies or crib toys, please feel free to send your cash-only gifts directly to the Howdygram and we’ll forward them on to England at our convenience. Click here to request our mailing address. Thank you.

Holy mother of crap. How do you stuff a hamburger with an all-beef hot dog?

Happy Friday, how’s the family and shalom from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a beautiful September afternoon here in north Texas judging by what I see from the window in the study ... 78° and sunny with zero chance of rain. Absolutely perfect weather for opening day at the Texas State Fair here in Dallas. The big cattle parade is already underway downtown with cheerleaders in white cowboy boots, marching bands and bouncy twinkies with boobies and batons!

If Sam accidentally watches a Carmen Miranda movie he could have a brain hemorrhage.

Here for your possible interest are FOUR EXCELLENT THINGS that happened at Howdygram headquarters since Sam’s been in California.

Thank God I’m a housebound senior citizen. The world is scaring me to death.

Oy, I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT. Our latest national tragedy features another angry lunatic with a machine gun, this time in a crowded LGBT night club in Orlando. So far 50 are dead and 53 injured, and authorities are calling it the worst mass murder in our country’s history. Once again the Republican shitweasels in Congress have proved their everlasting devotion to the NRA.

Bouncing back from The Matzo Farfel Incident of 2016.

Happy first day of May from our house to yours! To celebrate an exquisitely mild, lovely, breezy and sunshine-packed spring day I just ordered a six-pack of Manischewitz matzo farfel from Amazon even though only last week I promised myself I would never do this because nobody ever needs six canisters of matzo farfel. Except for me, I guess!

Happy Pesach from Sam, Marcy and Moses, y’all.

Please allow me to wish y’all a very happy Passover, okay? Even though Sam and I aren’t especially observant — okay, fine ... we’re not observant AT ALL — Passover has always been one of my favorite Jewish holidays because the whole family can get into the swing of things, such as asking the “four questions,” hiding (and subsequently finding) the matzo, opening the door for Elijah while keeping an eye on the cat, taking turns reading from the Haggadah, chugging wine and so on. Plus you get to eat HORSERADISH AND MACAROONS!

Happy 90th birthday Queen Elizabeth!

It’s almost 2 a.m. and I haven’t been to bed yet. Come to think of it, there’s a strong chance I might be up almost all night due to an abundance of extended naps on Wednesday and a strong motivation to write. I can be mighty impressive at the keyboard in the middle of the night, although in my heydey — back in the mid-1970s with an IBM Selectric typewriter — I was clocked at 127 w.p.m. with no errors. Raise your hand if you’re jealous!

Oh my God! Chubby little legs and knee socks!

Hi, guys. First and foremost, please accept my groveling apology for not writing Howdygram posts on Saturday and Sunday but there were other responsibilities around here that had to take priority. These included: 1) dealing with TWO MIGRAINE HEADACHES (not at the same time; I am not A Idiot) and the last thing you can do during a migraine headache is try to be clever and write things; 2) purging considerable crap from our kitchen remodeling hoo-hah and reloading our refaced cabinets and drawers; 3) breaking my new black sit-down bench (details follow); 4) buying a lot of important stuff online; and 5) having a fever on Saturday and getting exceptionally clammy.

Yee-haw! We can flush as often as we want!

There is so much weird crap going on here right now I almost don’t know how to write this post. I’m thinking subtitled indented paragraphs with appropriate yet colorful illustrations might be in order. Thank you for your encouragement.

Happy Birthday Queen Elizabeth.

Holy crap, guys ... I completely forgot to announce a very important birthday today in case you’re looking for a reason to eat cake! The Howdygram would like to send its very best wishes to Queen Elizabeth — the number one royal of them all — who’s celebrating her 89th birthday. I’ll bet she and Prince Phil ordered a few caviar pizzas tonight for the kids and grandchildren. (Tiaras optional.)

I love Queen Elizabeth.

Those of you who read the Howdygram regularly know that I love the British royal family. But while each of them is an immaculate, well-dressed rich person in his or her own unique way, my favorite royal by far is THE QUEEN. Here, from the pages of Vogue, is a one-year journey through the color spectrum in Her Majesty’s wardrobe ... and it’s just about the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I love her coats, I love her hats, I love her lumpy little legs, her corrective shoes and her little black handbag. She always looks happy, colorful and comfortable. And she must have the biggest goddamn closet on the face of the earth.

I treated myself to a fun new fashion accessory today. It’s the Handy-Dandy Senior Citizen Leg-Shlepper!

Hi, people. This is a happy day at Howdygram headquarters due to finally taking a new prescription medication — Gabapentin — that really relieves a lot of my pain. I FEEL LIKE A DIFFERENT PERSON. Gabapentin also makes me sleepy, sluggish, blurry and slow, but I can live with that. I have nowhere to go, I don’t drive, I’m not entered in a race and nobody gives a shit if I’m cockeyed.

Everybody hum “Happy Birthday” to the Prince of Wales!

We sincerely hope the Royal Family will forgive yesterday’s oversight, but the Howdygram forgot to wish Prince Charles a very happy birthday as he enters his golden years.