Please keep an eye out for 2,000 pounds of contaminated ground beef.

This has been a very confusing day … completely upside-down. Here are the issues I’ve been dealing with, in case you give a crap.

Here’s a short list of Howdygram-approved movies coming up on TCM.

Howdy-do from Howdygram headquarters! Sam and I just finished watching one of my favorite screwball comedies from the 1930s, Merrily We Live (1938) starring Constance Bennett, Billie Burke and Brian Aherne.

Harve Presnell, up close and personal.

It’s Friday night at Howdygram headquarters and there’s not much going on around here. Sam is taking a nice after-dinner nap even though I don’t think he’s eaten, and my digestive system is too fucked-up to think about food. At the present time I’m living on: 1) applesauce; 2) Glucerna meal replacement shakes for old diabetics; and 3) soup that contains nothing solid, i.e., noodles.

According to a body language expert, Donald Trump wears shoe lifts to increase his height.

I’m past the crisis now, so it’s safe to make the following statement: TODAY WAS ONE OF THE LOUSIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

I keep a typewritten list of my favorite snacks and groceries on the desktop of my iMac.

Yo, everybody! It’s 1:53 a.m. — the wee hours of Tuesday morning — and I want to tell you all about my late “bedtime” dinner a couple of hours ago. I had frozen peas and a big glass of sugar-free Crystal Light fruit punch. Honestly, it just doesn’t get much better than that. Peas and punch!

Sometimes I fall asleep mid-sentence. My hospice team says this is part of a “decline.”

Yo. It’s almost 5 p.m. and I thought I’d get started on another Howdygram post before I fall asleep. (Because it would be awfully hard to get started after I fall asleep. I’m just saying.) I’ve been nodding off quite a bit for the past couple of days, sometimes even mid-sentence when I’m talking to Sam. My hospice team says this is actually part of a “decline.”

Rasputin’s death scene is very satisfying, completely outrageous and 100% unforgettable.

I honestly don’t think I’m motivated enough to work on a Howdygram post right now, because I just spent the last couple of hours writing three (long overdue) emails and promised myself I’d kick back a little afterwards and watch one of my favorite culty old movies. I’m referring to Rasputin and Empress (1932) starring Ethel, Lionel and John Barrymore … the only time all three Barrymores shared the screen together. Wow, right?

There’s nothing I can do to raise my numbers or make this better. My heart is failing, period.

Shalom, welcome and how’s everything with all y’all*!? It’s a few minutes past 3:45 on Sunday morning and I thought I’d kill a little time with a Howdygram post. I just spent the last 24 hours designing more greeting cards for The Howdygram Store, and I definitely need a break right now from all that stinkin’ creativity. An Andy Hardy movie, Hostess SnoBalls and a pair of Hydrocodones would be a fabulous way to unwind. (Especially the Hydrocodones.)

Recording, watching and (sometimes) writing about old movies are a yooge part of my life.

Another day, another digestion nightmare. Ready for this? I had a lovely plate of artistic eggs yesterday morning for breakfast (thank you, Wolfgang) that took 12½ hours to finish traveling through my esophagus. I’m awfully tired of all these rotten infirmities! I almost starved to death — with a pressure in my chest like I’m having a fucking heart attack — until I could finally swallow again and take another bite of food. (Sam eventually baked some mozzarella sticks for a late dinner.)

I’m a huge fan of the Bolshevik revolution.

Howdy-do. It’s 2:45 Wednesday morning, Sam is in bed and I’ve decided to kill a couple of hours writing a post for the Howdygram, slugging Crystal Light raspberry green tea on ice and designing mugs for my store on Zazzle.com. Also a custom blanket for my best friend’s daughter’s baby shower next month in Chicago. (No, obviously I can’t go. Stop getting so hysterical.) Yesterday I spent most of the day designing greeting cards. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

Fire up the DVR! There are lots of terrific movies on TCM this month.

As I write this post Sam and I are riveted by James Comey’s testimony before Congress via live streaming video on RawStory.com. This is GREAT STUFF, people, and if you’re not watching, you should be. This is just as good as the Watergate hearings from the early 1970s and probably even more significant. Be an involved American today and tune in, okay?

Take two comedies and call me in the morning.

It’s been a while since my last serious Kvetch Report. Even though my overall chronic pain level has been unusually low for the last few weeks — and sometimes even nonexistent — tonight I’m dealing with a fever, a urinary tract infection that looks like a Louisiana bayou and uncontrollable urges to pish with no advance warning whatsoever. I feel like CRAP. When I checked my temperature about half an hour ago it was 99°, and that’s high for me because “normal” is usually around 96°. Please feel free to send me some chicken soup with a minimum of two matzo balls and a large container of sugar-free lemon Jell-O. Thank you for your support.

“Here lies the body of one Millard Frymore ...”

I’m pleased to report that my bedtime meds definitely deliver a wallop. Aside from two antidepressants — Trazodone and Amitriptyline — that I take as a sleep aid and a pain reliever, respectively, a large dose of Gabapentin for diabetic neuropathy, Metoprolol to slow my heart rate, and Warfarin (a blood thinner), I also take a couple of Norco tablets just for the hell of it. It’s 3 a.m. and at the moment I’m feeling screwy, very creative, strangely hungry and stoned out of my mind. God, this is WONDERFUL. Thank you for putting up with me!

Sugar-free Almonettes cookies with sugar-free Pillsbury chocolate fudge frosting. Oh my God.

This hasn’t been an easy morning for me. I’ve been awake since 4 a.m. wrestling with various obnoxious, severe and unrelenting pain issues, including burning skin on the back of both thighs, a hideous rash and a pressure in my chest because I had to belch. (Seriously.) To keep myself distracted I’m reading a lot of baloney on the Internet, downloading more free fonts (check them out in the next section), drinking diet ginger ale and eating Cheetos two at a time. CHEETOS SOLVE EVERYTHING.

Monday is “Costco day” at Howdygram headquarters.

I’ve got a million very important subjects to cover in this Howdygram post so I’ll skip all the introductory hoo-hah and just get right to the point, okay? I think I’ll even do my popular neatly-subtitled paragraphs!

Nothing hurts today. Holy crap.

Yo, hi-de-ho, shalom and HAPPY BLACK FRIDAY from your buddies at Howdygram headquarters! In case you’re interested and for the record, Sam and I do NOT intend to blow any money whatsoever today on fake bargains, bogus sales and crap we don’t need. We will, however, purchase a six-foot extension cord and maybe order a new table lamp for the family room from Ashley Furniture because the pair of lamps that came Wednesday are, in my view as the official household decorating maven, too small.

Don’t poo-poo Paducah.

I am NOT HAPPY tonight. Not happy one tiny little bit. And why am I not happy? Because of reasons, which are listed for you below. Thank you.

Führer Donald Trump finally reveals his replacement for Obamacare insurance.

Wow, people. Just wow! As lousy as I felt yesterday with my pain level at a solid #7 and broken blood blisters on the back of my left thigh ... today I did a 180-degree flip and feel really AVERAGE! After quite a bit of sleep I’m pleased to announce that the skin on my thigh isn’t bothering me at all and I’m enjoying a pleasant late lunch of lobster ramen and an ice cold Marcytini. And a bag of sugar-free Russell Stover chocolates that Sam bought for me at Wal-Mart. I’m pretty sure life can’t get much better than this!

Dallas has a number of worthwhile bright spots to see. Remember the School Book Depository?

There’s big news today at Howdygram headquarters ... DAVID IS COMING FOR A VISIT! I’m referring, of course, to Sam’s younger brother, the one who lives in Scottsdale with his really sweet wife and an intensely talented dancing teenage daughter named Anna. David is visiting alone, however, which gives him some excellent time to hang out with Sam — almost four whole days, actually! — and enjoy all the bright spots of Dallas. And we really have a number of worthwhile bright spots to see! Sam and David will check out the Mesquite Championship Rodeo tonight, the JFK Museum, School Book Depository and essential dead president’s gift shop tomorrow, followed by Monday at the Fort Worth Stockyards to eat barbecue sandwiches on Texas toast and listen to mooing. Mooing is good. Trust me.