We survived our wild and stormy night, as evidenced by the fact that I’m still typing.

SUNDAY, 10/20/2019, 11:10 P.M. Hey. Thought I’d start a quick post tonight so you’ll know that Sam and I are all right. A couple of hours ago there was a SUBSTANTIAL TORNADO here in the Dallas metro area! The twister developed at Love Field (the smaller of Dallas’ two airports) and traveled for 17 miles east and slightly north, heading straight for Mesquite … the location of Howdygram headquarters. According to a news report on NBC.com, there’s been a lot of structural damage to commercial and residental buildings, downed electrical lines, injuries from flying debris and broken glass, and a large area of the city is currently without power

East Texas is drowning in lots of weather.

Hello … and happy Friday morning from the Lone Star State! I don’t know why I’m so damn cheerful, to tell y’all the truth, because the eastern third of Texas is being pounded to death by TROPICAL DEPRESSION IMELDA. Houston, and areas to the east of Houston, are floating away under 55 inches of rain during the last 36 hours … and there’s more on the way.

An oxygen cannula delivers “forced air” up your nose but has a few drawbacks.

Happy Tuesday morning from Howdygram headquarters. It’s almost 2 a.m., Sam is in bed, and I’m enjoying a few hours of quiet time with a brand new creative project for The Howdygram Store (details follow). In the meantime I’d like to tell you what’s been going on around here.

I would like to recommend Loma Linda Swiss Stakes with Tasty Tan Gravy in a Can.

Hello, people. Here’s wishing y’all a swell and peaceful Monday! It’s 4:45 p.m., Sam is in the study trying to find a photo on the Internet, and I’ve decided to squeeze in a Howdygram post while I’m still pain-free with no burning bladder spasms and no migraine headache. My project-of-the-week involves some drug experimentation.

Rasputin’s death scene is very satisfying, completely outrageous and 100% unforgettable.

I honestly don’t think I’m motivated enough to work on a Howdygram post right now, because I just spent the last couple of hours writing three (long overdue) emails and promised myself I’d kick back a little afterwards and watch one of my favorite culty old movies. I’m referring to Rasputin and Empress (1932) starring Ethel, Lionel and John Barrymore … the only time all three Barrymores shared the screen together. Wow, right?

If my Hydrocodone isn’t here by Wednesday, Sam is ready to rip the hospice a new one.

It’s midnight. Sam is asleep and the house is quiet at this late hour, especially since the various events of “crazy Monday” are finally over now. For your possible interest, these included all of the following …

At times I really enjoy turning the family room lamps on and off.

Hello, people. I think I’ve managed to sigh myself into a mild depression that started yesterday when I asked Sam if he realized I’ve been bedridden for almost a whole year. I’ve just spent 12 months in a hospital bed, in the same position, staring at the same wall, unable to walk and unable to even stand up. I guess that’s probably enough to depress anybody.

Happy Pesach to our Jewish friends and relatives.

It’s barely Thursday morning, just a few minutes past 1 a.m., and those “killer thunderstorms” we were expecting 10 hours ago finally decided to roll in. They’re LOUD, and I swear I can hear hailstones … although I’m sure they’re not as big as baseballs because baseballs would make a lot more noise than this. These have to be teeny hailstones, maybe the size of nipples. And in case the lights go out I’ve got some emergency essentials within arm’s reach: 1) a gigantic high-beam flashlight that could double as a lethal weapon; 2) a battery-powered oxygen generator; and 3) a box of Hostess Suzy-Qs. Woo-hoo!

We’re expecting some yooge killer thunderstorms on Wednesday.

Yesterday was one of the worst days ever around here. After my hospice nurse left around 11 a.m. I began having problems with my oxygen. The oximeter readouts* were sinking fast … from the 90s to the mid-80s and eventually sinking into the low 70s by late evening. At that point Sam had already turned up the generator to the highest setting (5 liters), but my oximeter readouts never improved. In fact, they were continually crappier as the night wore on until it felt like somebody dropped an anvil on my chest.

Facebook is down right now. Is anybody going through withdrawal?

Here’s hoping y’all are enjoying a pleasant Tuesday evening. Everything is peaceful* here, with Sam asleep on the sofa, They Died with Their Boots On (1941) starring Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland on TV, and I’m taking a short break from new greeting card designs for The Howdygram Store. In case you care, my designs during the last few days have been prolific … 16 so far, and more to come! I’ll share a few for you in the Howdygram as soon as I have a chance to upload my artwork to Zazzle and post the cards for sale. Stay tuned, okay?

We’ve had a lot of fucking rain around here. Almost seven times more than average. Whoa.

Yo. It’s a few minutes past midnight but I haven’t actually decided if I feel like writing a Howdygram post or not. I had a difficult and emotional day on Saturday that turned out to be another sad milestone in the deterioration of my overall health. For instance, Sam and I had to accept that I will no longer be able to get out of bed … not counting occasional use of my portable commode once or twice a week.

Milestone! I just ordered an electric ladies’ shaver and a package of 12 Scünci barrettes!

Friday evening is slowly slipping away from me. It’s 11:30 p.m., Sam is on the sofa nearby and I’m drifting in and out of sleep on my beautiful FULL-SIZE HOSPITAL BED here in the family room. No kidding, I’m already feeling a huge difference on my lower back and shoulders, and there’s also more room to move my legs and feet. And if I get bored I can ride up and down just for the hell of it. This is a very wonderful thing!

It’s been almost 11 years since I quit smoking. Holy crap.

Yo, people! We’re having a seriously overcast Friday evening here in north Texas following a seriously overcast Friday afternoon, and we even had a couple of TORNADO WATCHES today — Auntie Em! Auntie Em! — but no actual TWISTERS. At the moment (8 p.m.) I have no idea if there are still any “watches” or “warnings,” nor do I give any fucks whatsoever, because Sam and I are cuddled up with a couple of good movies — Dodge City (1939) starring Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland and Hollywoodland (2006) starring Ben Affleck and Adrien Brody — and a package of sugar-free Murray Pecan Shortbread cookies.

Trust me, crab boat fisherman are NOT air force test pilots “reaching into the unknown.”

Top o’ the morning to you! (Oy. I think I’m delirious.) It’s an overcast Thursday a.m., seriously windy, and even though I’m a housebound old coot my eyes are watering from all the springtime pollen flying around outside. Does any of this make sense?

Something is amiss here. Sam is sleeping through a monster thunderstorm!

It’s a few minutes past 2 a.m. here, Sam is in bed and I’m SERIOUSLY UNWELL again! There’s no real pain, per se, but my overall complaints include: 1) chills; 2) body aches; 3) uncontrollable pishing every 45 minutes that even wakes me from a sound sleep; 4) migraine headaches due to complaint number three; 5) serious intestinal distress; and 6) a wet rash on several areas of my body that are none of your damn business. Therefore I just took my bedtime meds with 70 units of injected insulin, a pair of Imodium tablets, a juicy dose of Norco — doing my best to prolong the opioid epidemic! — and then poofed myself with Nystatin powder to kill that fucking rash already. Thank you for listening.

At last … I’m getting a visiting foot doctor!

Howdy-do, people! We had a pleasant summery Saturday here at Howdygram headquarters yesterday, featuring surprise thunderstorms, unexpected cactus pears, a copious amount of pishing, an extremely nice lunch (details to follow), and — best of all — I’M GETTING A VISITING FOOT DOCTOR!

On Saturday afternoon I got a call from a home health agency that’s been asked to set up an appointment for me with a traveling foot doctor because I haven’t been able to visit a podiatrist’s office for routine care in more than three years.* I’m diabetic with severe peripheral neuropathy, and these diseases are nothing at which to sneeze, believe me! Please stay tuned for additional information but don’t hesitate to resume your normal routine in the meantime.

Let’s watch an out-of-shape, spray-tanned orangutan try to play tennis.

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s just after 4 a.m. and I thought I’d get an early start on today’s post while another round of thunderstorms rolls through here. We’re not expecting any hail or tornadoes ... just lots of thunder, lightning, wind and VERY HEAVY RAIN, the latter of which we need desperately. Sam was out in the garage for a couple of hours with the overhead door open enjoying our big weather hoo-hah with a can of diet ginger ale but finally went to bed about 30 minutes ago. In case you’re interested, the white star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. (You can’t see me waving because it’s extremely dark outside.)

I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2012, but this is basically a secret so please don’t tell anybody.

It’s been a dismal, dark and thunderstormy day ever since we woke up this morning. As a matter of fact, by 6 a.m. Sam was already seated comfortably in the garage with a full pot of coffee and the overhead door open so he could watch a line of storms roll in from the northwest. Now that Sam’s retired it’s particularly rewarding when the neighbors start leaving for work because we don’t have to. We don’t even have to get dressed! As for me, I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2012, but this is basically a secret so please don’t tell anybody.

Saturday was a little rocky for me.

Hi, people, and happy Sunday morning from Howdygram headquarters! It’s 3:15 a.m. and I’ve been nursing a “bleeder” for the last two hours. TWO HOURS! When you take a blood thinner (Coumadin) even a teeny little nick with a cuticle scissors can turn into a scene from M*A*S*H ... and that’s exactly what’s going on here while I try to write this post. I guess I’ll have to wait until my finger stops gushing so I can bandage the goddamn thing and go to bed. I’ve already decided that tonight’s sleeping movie will be How to Marry a Millionaire (1953) starring Lauren Bacall, Marilyn Monroe and Betty Grable. It’s an all-time favorite of mine.

Waiting for tornadoes.

Yo from north Texas, everybody! We’ve got tornado watches all over the place here in the Dallas metro area right now with “a dangerous night ahead” forecast by the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com, who never seem to get it right. I don’t need any tornadoes, hurricanes, wind or hail, but we sure could use a few hours of nice, heavy rain to fill up the Lake Ray Hubbard reservoir in time for summer.