According to a body language expert, Donald Trump wears shoe lifts to increase his height.

I’m past the crisis now, so it’s safe to make the following statement: TODAY WAS ONE OF THE LOUSIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

For the past 12 hours — starting around 3 a.m. — I’ve been gagging, choking, vomiting and coughing up phlegm due to a severe attack of whatever-the-hell I’m allergic to this summer. I’ve been absolutely miserable … and I also haven’t been able to eat, drink or take anything whatsoever by mouth, including a substantial quantity of prescription medications. Eventually I asked Sam to cancel my Wednesday morning bathing/hygiene session due to everything described above.

To give you a rough idea of my overall misery level, here’s the most recent Shit-O-Meter reading.

Click here for a detailed explanation of our Shit-O-Meter numbers.

Thank God I’m finally feeling better. About 15 minutes ago, after Sam canceled the emergency nursing visit he requested at lunchtime, I decided to celebrate with a slice of buttered pumpernickel, a big tumbler of cherry drink on ice, two Hydrocodones, a handful of Lasix and a partridge in a pear tree. (Merry Christmas.)

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It’s August 15 and we’re in the middle of Turner Classic Movies’ annual “Summer Under the Stars” celebration, during which everybody’s favorite cable network features the movies of a different star every day in August. Here are a few of the terrific films coming up during the next few days. For your possible interest I’ll denote my personal favorites with a teeny red star.

8/15 | IRENE DUNNE
Show Boat (1936) with Allan Jones
Joy of Living (1938) with Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. ★
The Awful Truth (1937) with Cary Grant, Ralph Bellamy ★
I Remember Mama (1948) with Barbara Bel Geddes ★

8/17 | ERROL FLYNN
Northern Pursuit (1943) with Julie Bishop
The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938) with Olivia de Havilland ★
Santa Fe Trail (1940) with Olivia de Havilland ★
Captain Blood (1935) with Olivia de Havilland, Basil Rathbone ★
Gentleman Jim (1942) with Alexis Smith ★
The Dawn Patrol (1938) with David Niven, Basil Rathbone ★
Dodge City (1939) with Olivia de Havilland

8/18 | AUDREY HEPBURN
My Fair Lady (1954) with Rex Harrison ★
Sabrina (1954) with Humphrey Bogart, William Holden ★
Funny Face (1957) with Fred Astaire
Charade (1963) with Cary Grant ★

8/20 | DOROTHY McGUIRE
Gentleman’s Agreement (1947) with Gregory Peck ★
Mother Didn’t Tell Me (1950) with William Lundigan
Susan Slade (1961) with Connie Stevens
A Summer Place (1959) with Troy Donahue, Sandra Dee
Friendly Persuasion (1956) with Gary Cooper ★
Callaway Went Thataway (1951) with Fred MacMurray, Howard Keel ★

8/21 | JOEL McCREA
The Palm Beach Story (1942) with Claudette Colbert ★
Sullivan’s Travels (1942) with Veronica Lake ★
The More the Merrier (1943) with Jean Arthur, Charles Coburn ★
Union Pacific (1939) with Barbara Stanwyck ★

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Ready for something hilarious? Take a look at these three images of Donald Trump and check out his unnatural body stance. Normal people don’t stand like this! According to a body language expert, Donald Trump wears SHOE LIFTS to increase his height by at least three inches.

TOP PHOTO. Trump leans unnaturally into Justin Trudeau. Trudeau is 6'2" tall. Trump claims to be more than an inch taller than that, but his feet are half the size of Trudeau’s and the knee-wrinkle on his pants is at least six inches lower, indicating that Trump is actually a lot shorter.

MIDDLE PHOTO. Trump continues to stand in an awkward forward-leaning posture with his short little arms hanging in a strange angle at his side.

BOTTOM PHOTO. Again, this crazy forward posture proves Trump is using lifts in his shoes to increase his overall height by at least three inches, forcing the public to perceive him as intimidating. Seriously … WHAT A FUCKING GOON! (This reminds me of a Marx Brothers vaudeville routine.)

Thank you.

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It’s 9:30 a.m. Thursday morning, and Sam just announced that my hospice C.N.A. (Leticia) will be here in half an hour to do yesterday’s canceled bathing/hygiene session This is a great big woo-hoo on my part, because now that I’ve recovered from the “creeping crud” I’m anxious to clean up and feel human again!

So thank you for reading this, and I’ll do my best to squeeze in a minute or two remembering the Alamo before Leticia gets here.