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Once again I’m waking up after two long, long naps. The first was 18 hours, from 5:30 a.m. until 7:45 p.m. last night, and another four hours from 11 p.m. until 3 a.m. this morning, just a few minutes ago. Life is upside-down. I sleep all day, I’m up all night, but fortunately Sam is usually on the same schedule with me.

Tremors, squeezy feet and 18-hour naps. That’s the story of my life.

’Tis the Day of the Onion Rings here at Howdygram headquarters. This morning at 2 a.m. when I asked Sam to make me a bag of Nathan's Famous Thick Sliced Battered Onion Rings he delivered the devastating news that we didn’t have any more in the freezer … whereupon I immediately ordered four bags from Amazon Fresh along with a small order of incredible delicacies that included: (1) Sargento’s Pepper Jack Cheese; (2) Annie Chun’s White Sticky Rice; (3) one pound of Reser’s Cole Slaw; (4) one pound of Reser’s Macaroni Salad; (5) frozen Citrus Pop-Ups* in three thrilling flavors; (6) Sweet Baby Ray’s Sweet & Spicy Barbecue Sauce; (7) a half-pound of Italian Spicy Mixed Olive Bruschetta; (8) Farm Rich Mozzarella Sticks; and (9) six La Brea Bakery Take-and-Bake French Dinner Rolls.

Introducing Marcy’s Easy-Peasy Opioids and Olives Diet!

The life of a bedridden coot is an interesting one. Mostly, I guess, I’m faced with an endless stretch of days and weeks, ridiculous 18-hour spans of sleep, forgotten meals and missed medications … I almost can’t keep up sometimes. At the moment it’s 8:45 Wednesday morning. I’d like to take my morning meds, but Sam hasn’t brought them to me yet (he’s asleep), so I thought I’d kill a little time with the Howdygram. Hello, everybody.

Sam has acquired the manly art of whackin’ down shit with a chainsaw!

Happy Wednesday morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m enjoying one of my favorite movies — Act One (1963) starring George Hamilton and Jason Robards — while Sam and I wait for a visit from my hospice’s Director of Nursing. Martha said she’d be here between 11 and 12 with a plan to discuss two different subjects: 1) can we please tell her which medications I don’t take any more* so she can update her records; and 2) she wants to figure out if there’s a way to make me more comfortable in bed because right now I’m not (comfortable, that is) and it’s entirely likely that I’m not breathing properly or digesting my food very well, either.

Remember in my last post when I told you I was losing interest in fonts? I lied.

It’s been a whole week since my last Howdygram post, but I’ve got a solid reason that: I’VE BEEN ASLEEP. Yes, for the whole goddamn week!

I’d hate to lose control of my nipples. I’m so fond of them!

I’ve got lots of stuff to tell you this afternoon, okay? It’s a few measly minutes after 3 p.m. and I just woke up from a long, long, long, long sleep. I just I asked Sam “how long” and his only reply was “L.O.N.G.” I’m guessing maybe 18 hours. My cannula is driving me crazy,  the air jets hurt like hell, I can’t really remember the last time I saw daylight, and now we’re due for heavy rain for the next several days and it’s already dark as a dungeon outside. Blecch. I thought it was Monday but just realized I was wrong … it’s Tuesday! I have no recollection of Saturday or Sunday, either.

The Whine List expands.

Good morning and a happy Thursday to one and all. It’s 4:30 a.m. and Sam is getting ready for his first walk of the day. He usually starts at the forest in south Mesquite — called Samuell Farm, believe it or not! — and communes with the moon and stars. He gets home just as the sun comes up. Typically he’d stop at Wal-Mart first to pick up a few necessities, but the store changed its hours after the COVID-19 hoo-hah kicked in so he waits a little later now to make his grocery run. (My appetite has been low this week. I ran out of applesauce.)

Know what? The quarantine has been great for business!

I’m having a conundrum this morning. It’s a few minutes before 7 a.m. and my hands are freezing. They should be tucked underneath my blanket … except I also feel like typing, so this definitely sucks. I suppose I’ll just keep plugging away until I figure out what I want more … warm hands or a Howdygram post! (Right now the Howdygram post is winning.)

Former Cubs second baseman Glenn Beckert died on Sunday.

It’s 6 a.m. Sunday morning. I just woke up but have no idea whatsoever when exactly I fell asleep. It’s pretty much the same story day after day after day … huge, inexplicable spans of very sound sleep* wrapped in my big fleece blanket, soaked and overflowing wee-wee pads, frequently shivering, aching legs that I’m scared to move without Sam’s help, lots of pills to take, the incessant sound of rushing air (through my cannula) that destroys my nostrils and the ability to hear things!

I’m pretty sure we’ll never experience a Greek olive shortage in Texas.

There’s still hope for America, boys and girls. Sam just got home from Wal-Mart and they had all the essentials we’ve been trying to find for the last few days … toilet paper, paper towels and paper napkins! He didn’t over-buy anything, either, so there’s enough left on the shelves for other shoppers. He also brought home a jar of Greek olives, but I’m pretty sure we’ll never experience a Greek olive shortage in Texas. (But you never know.)

There’s nothing worse than a semi-successful bedpan experience.

So far I’m not having a very good day. This time it’s been a never-ending problem with digestion, because food no longer has any flavor whatsoever and that makes it difficult to prevent starving to death. For the last several days I’ve only eaten applesauce, hot and sour soup from China City and an occasional chocolate meal replacement shake from Glucerna for elderly diabetics. I’m not happy at all. Sam is being sweet, entertaining, attentive and incredible, and I’m lying here in bed feeling like crapola. (And I’m hungry.)

Nasal difficulties.

Hello, and happy Wednesday night to you and yours. I’ve had a rough day, so in case you’re interested I think I’ll begin with a comprehensive list of complaints.

It’s time again for the State Fair of Texas.

Yo, and happy Labor Day from the retired sleepyheads at Howdygram headquarters! It’s nearly 10 p.m. already and the holiday is almost over, but I hope yours was a good one with lots of people, maybe a parade, happy times and potato salad.

It almost feels like we’re getting a whole new house. Woo-hoo!

Hi, people … I’m back! It’s been a whole week since my last post, and that’s due to: 1) a bunch of very shitty health issues; 2) requiring an inordinate amount of sleep; and 3) concentrating on a variety of creative projects in-between sleeping and vomiting. I’ll elucidate for you below. Thank you.

According to a body language expert, Donald Trump wears shoe lifts to increase his height.

I’m past the crisis now, so it’s safe to make the following statement: TODAY WAS ONE OF THE LOUSIEST DAYS OF MY LIFE.

The dog ate my homework.

Good morning, people. It’s 9:28 a.m. at Howdygram headquarters and I’m waiting for my hospice R.N., Rachel, who’s supposed to be here within the next two minutes (but I won’t hold my breath). It’s time for my weekly checkup and an evaluation of the cellulitis infection in my right leg. I was diagnosed with the infection last week and started taking an antibiotic on Sunday. Stay tuned.

Chinese has been my cuisine-of-choice for almost seven decades. Ask anybody.

A good and happy Tuesday to you and yours. It’s almost 10 p.m., and Sam and I just finished watching this week’s episode of the Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch.” Hard to believe this is already season 14. Yup, a whole 14 years of misery, frozen spray, broken bones, rogue waves and egomaniacal captains. Mostly I love the photography, though, which is goddamn impressive on a high definition TV.

It’s not too early to set aside some free fonts for Hanukkah presents.

Yo, everybody. I sincerely wanted to write a post on Thursday but couldn’t squeeze it into my schedule. I was busy all morning with my monthly catheter change hoo-hah (which went very well, thank you for asking), and then spent the balance of the day: 1) sleeping; 2) watching quirky, atmospheric movies*; and 3) eating things.

I’ve got a whole new addiction.

In Sunday’s post I wrote briefly about my surreal life as a bedridden senior citizen. While it’s definitely bizarre to watch a Sandra Dee movie and eat canned tomatoes — with habanero peppers! — at 5 o’clock in the morning, “surreal” certainly doesn’t stop there.

I want to stay awake all night and create some great shit!

I must be feeling mighty prolific to start a new Howdygram post so soon after the War and Peace edition I published a few short hours ago. Holy crap, right?