A senior citizen food review and fabulous free fonts valued at $710.

Good morning, boys and girls. It’s a few minutes south of 2 a.m., Sam is in bed, and I’m enjoying a little quiet time with the Howdygram and iced tea. My sleep schedule has been a little whacked-out this week so I’m hoping I’ll be able to conk out for a few hours before sun-up. We’re expecting lots of commotion around here today, for instance: 1) a 10 a.m. visit from our maid; 2) my hospice C.N.A., Beauty, at 1 p.m. for a bathing and hygiene session; and 3) Sharon, my hospice L.V.N., for a routine checkup between 1 and 2 p.m.

L’Shanah Tovah, y’all.

To celebrate the dawn of another new year I’d like to wish all of my Jewish readers — friends, relatives and total strangers — a sweet and happy 5780 from Howdygram headquarters. And here’s my annual Rosh Hashanah graphic!

I’ve got a whole new addiction.

In Sunday’s post I wrote briefly about my surreal life as a bedridden senior citizen. While it’s definitely bizarre to watch a Sandra Dee movie and eat canned tomatoes — with habanero peppers! — at 5 o’clock in the morning, “surreal” certainly doesn’t stop there.

“Parnell” starring Clark Gable and Myrna Loy is the latest addition to my list of The Worst Movies Ever Made.

Hi-de-ho and happy Saturday! It’s a lovely, sunny winter day here in Texas, and our forecast high will be 62° by mid-afternoon. For those of you who live in the miserable, frozen north, such as all of my relations and pals in Chicago, you have my deepest sympathy. I don’t know how you can stand it. (Forgive me if I’m being obtuse.)

Chives! Sour cream! Bacon bits! Butter!

My sleep pattern is a fucking MESS. It’s almost 5 p.m. and I’m EXHAUSTED, but that’s because I only had slightly more than four hours of sleep yesterday and woke up at noon. I know I shouldn’t whine about this due to being retired and I can grab more sleep any time I want, but Sam and I are on completely different schedules right now like ships passing in the night. I also have some significant PAIN ISSUES to complain about today. Specifically, my tailbone aches, I’ve got burning skin on the inside of my left thigh and I’m having insane electric shock spasms in my toes and heels due to diabetic neuropathy. Also in my thighs. This is extremely horrible. And then I hear the news that serial felon O. J. Simpson convinced a parole board to release him from prison — FOR FUCK’S SAKE … WHY!? — and Senator John McCain has brain cancer.

The Howdygram bids farewell to Martin Landau.

Shalom and howdy, everybody! It’s 5 o’clock Tuesday morning and I just finished prepping for this Howdygram post. This includes: 1) Googling images for today’s feature about Princess Anne; 2) organizing, cropping and framing the images mentioned in item one; 3) installing today’s free fonts on my iMac; 4) designing today’s free fonts sample list, especially “Diamond Monogram”; and 5) choosing and sizing today’s free digital background images, clipart and assorted doodads from Creative Market.

Creative Cloud technology can get a little overwhelming for an old coot like yours truly.

It’s exactly 9 p.m. on a clammy Monday night here in Texas. Sam is unconscious in the family room with a John Wayne movie and I’ve decided to hang back in the study binge-reading a full day of aggravating news stories, 32 stupid emails — wow! incontinence supplies are on sale again at Allegro Medical! — and the Howdygram.

Costco sells hard-boiled eggs.

Monday night, 9 p.m., just finished dinner. Nothing fancy. A couple of nice frozen chicken things on pita bread from Costco. With cheese. And now maybe somebody can explain why I sound like Sergeant Joe Friday from “Dragnet.”

Sam has jury duty today in downtown Dallas, right in the middle of a dense fog advisory.

Hi-de-ho, people, and welcome to the Howdygram! It’s almost 3 a.m. and I’ve been writing email for the last couple of hours. I still have one more to go (to Sam’s sister) but I’ll have to save that for later today. I know she’ll understand.

I hope I’m well enough now to get my Howdygram posts back on track again.

I know, I know ... it’s been too long since my last Howdygram post. Calm down for a minute so I can explain WHY, okay?

You can even cast your ballot sitting on the toilet if you want to with a cheese sandwich.

I just voted for Hillary Clinton. Is this exciting, or what?!

A tale of dead taste buds and bursting blood blisters.

Hello, what’s new and happy Thursday from Howdygram headquarters! Today in the wee hours of the morning my various and sundry chronic health complaints include: 1) dead taste buds due to diabetic neuropathy; 2) severe knee pain; 3) a headache; and 4) BURSTING BLOOD BLISTERS on the back of my left thigh because pressure sores apparently aren’t disgusting enough. I DON’T NEED THIS, PEOPLE. As a matter of fact, I’m feeling mighty lousy right now and probably should put my feet up and watch one of the excellent movies stored on our DVR. I’m thinking Hayley Mills or The Martian (2015) starring Matt Damon. Or maybe BOTH!

Buh-bye, nighty-night, sayonara, adios, shalom, zip-ah-dee-doo-dah and don’t forget to floss.

Hey, know what? I want to begin this post with a shameless plug for my adorable little shop on Zazzle: The Howdygram Store. With Apple’s big iPhone 7 launch date coming up on Wednesday I decided to spend most of the holiday weekend working on new case designs. Four fine examples appear below for your possible interest. These include: 1) a trendy pairing of aqua and white damask prints; 2) photorealistic dark natural cork; 3) a vintage floral print featuring pink and crimson roses; and 4) photorealistic natural stone. Oy, I love these!

Inspiration and deep thoughts from Ryan Lochte: “Water is practically part of my life.”

I hate it when I can’t keep promises I make to myself. For instance, I promised myself I’d finish uploading my latest 17 bottle opener designs for The Howdygram Store ... and then I totally FORGOT due to a seriously annoying health-related incident — a “leakage” hoo-hah that happened twice in two days — to which I always respond by falling asleep and remaining unconscious for as long as possible (and as often as possible) until I don’t feel depressed about it any more. Most recently it was a six-hour nap that ended at 1:30 in the morning — about 90 minutes ago — and so here I am, wide awake with a cup of sugar-free Hawaiian Punch and a couple of mostly-stale pretzel rods.

There’s no such thing as too many fonts.

Good morning from the Howdygram. It’s 6 a.m. and I woke up about 90 minutes ago with a bladder emergency. The problem is, I don’t move very fast any more and by the time my brain sends out a signal that IT’S TIME TO PISH IMMEDIATELY I’m still sitting on the chaise trying to get my slippers on. Therefore, without actually saying what I’m trying not to say, a housebound senior citizen with mobility issues like yours truly can’t make it to the bathroom in a situation like this and leaves a puddle somewhere that it’s not supposed to be. And then I get depressed about it.

Unless your grandfather was an actual farmer I don’t really understand the appeal of a barnyard wedding.

I wanted to write a Howdygram post yesterday but I was overwhelmed by many other things to do. These included: 1) designing two dozen very classsy coffee mugs for The Howdygram Store; 2) napping; 3) watching half of “Deadliest Catch” with Sam because we both fell asleep; and 4) I can’t think of anything else.

Russian graphic designers and insane Siberian clip art.

Hi-de-ho from my house to yours, boys and girls! It’s 3:30 Tuesday morning and I just woke up from a truly pleasant, FIVE-HOUR after-dinner nap in the family room. Holy mother of crap. I just realized that I probably won’t be able to go back to sleep until sun-up because now I’m getting comfortable at my desk, taking handfuls of pills and kibbitzing with you. I LOVE MY DRUGS. (No, seriously. I really do.)

I didn’t think I wanted to write a Howdygram post tonight, but I lied.

Okay, so here’s the thing. In an effort to take a brief break from politics I didn’t think I wanted to write a Howdygram post tonight but — surprise! surprise! — I just changed my mind at the very last minute. It’s 11:23 p.m. and I’ll just keep on typing until my brain runs out of bullshit. (Actually, that could take a while.)

Our Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic was open for business this afternoon.

Hi, guys. I considered skipping today’s Howdygram post for one reason and one reason only: I can’t think of anything to write, not counting the following potential subjects: 1) I’m heading into another battle with Dr. M’s office regarding why the fuck don’t they respond to prescription refill requests; 2) if you’ve never tried Hormel Compleats’ Chicken Breast with Mashed Potatoes and Gravy you’re in for a glorious surprise; 3) I’ve got seven more new free fonts for you; and 4) my Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic was open for business this afternoon.

Poor Sam was “farmisht” today.

My project of the week? Two words: MEDICARE INSURANCE ... because I’ll be 65 in a few months and eligible for Medicare for the first time in my life. Although I didn’t think I’d need to worry about this until Sam retires in 2022 — right now I’m covered by his company’s Blue Cross plan — after finding out that Sam is actually paying a lot more than we realized for dependent coverage I’ve decided to get prices for Medicare policies and see what’s what. I’m definitely on the right track with this, too, because private Medicare policies are geared to senior citizens and cover a lot more services — visiting nurses, durable medical equipment, free annual hearing and vision tests, cheapo E.R. visits, diabetes at-home testing supplies, etc. — for old coots than Sam’s Blue Cross plan at work, which is focused on a much younger patient population that wants maternity coverage, “well baby” care and rehab for sports injuries. I have some work to do.