Happy Independence Day from Sam and me.

While I wait for my hospice C.N.A. to show up for Wednesday morning’s bath and hygiene session I thought it might be a good idea to jump-start another fresh, new Howdygram post, which involves typing like a maniac until the doorbell rings. Is this fun, or what?!

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For those of you who haven’t been regular Howdygram readers, or in case this is the first time you’re here, I thought it might be helpful to tell you what the fuck is going on with me. I have all of the following medical conditions:

1. Congestive heart failure.
2. Chronic kidney disease.
3. Diabetes.
4. Diabetic peripheral neuropathy.
5. Pressure sores.
6. High blood pressure.
7. Advanced osteoarthritis.
8. An advanced, incurable and untreatable urinary tract infection.
9. Burning bladder spasms (related to number 8 above).
10. Psoriasis.
11. Aggravating nasal-drip pollen-related allergies.
12. An incurable itchy bleeding yeast rash in various locations all over my body.

After being hospitalized three times last year for the same issues — sepsis, an advanced UTI and congestive heart failure — the hospital medical team decided to send me home, permanently catheterized, under the supervision of a hospice and palliative care organization. I haven’t been able to walk (or even stand up) since May 2018. Since then I’ve been situated in the middle of the family room on a hospital bed facing our gigantic flat-panel TV, and Sam provides my full-time care between visits from the hospice nursing staff multiple times every week.

I don’t get very depressed about this any more, but that’s probably because the hospice M.D. increased the strength of my antidepressant (Amitriptyline) a few months ago. I also take blood pressure medication (Metoprolol), a powerful diuretic (Lasix), a sleeping pill (Trazodone), two kinds of insulin (Humulin R and Lantus), a pain pill for diabetic neuropathy (Gabapentin), and an opioid (Hydrocodone) for arthritis pain. When my current Hydrocodone prescription runs out next week my nurse wants me to try a Fentanyl patch instead. The pain relief is stronger, it’s a time-release hoo-hah that gives you a blast every 60 minutes, and you only have to replace the patch every 72 hours.

I’ve been taking Hydrocodone for about eight years, but I guess trying Fentanyl is worth a shot. Stay tuned. When I get started next week I’ll be “live blogging” the complete experience.

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There have been way too many days recently when I’ve eaten almost zero … and today was one of them. I had no breakfast or lunch due to not having any interest whatsoever, plus my hospice C.N.A. (Leticia) and my L.V.N. (Leslie) dropped in at 10:15 and 11:30 a.m., respectively, and nobody wants to eat when a nurse is checking your blood pressure. After Leslie and Leticia left, Sam picked up a grocery order at Wal-Mart, put the food away, and then — at my request — baked a tray of Stouffer’s chicken enchiladas that I couldn’t eat after the first forkful due to no appetite whatsoever. So I fell asleep. At the time it was around 1 p.m.

The time is now 9:55 p.m. and I just woke up from the aforementioned NINE-HOUR NAP. I’ve eaten no breakfast today, no lunch and no dinner. I just asked Sam to nuke me an 88¢ bag of frozen peas and a teeny 74¢ frozen Banquet Chicken Pot Pie, the latter of which I’ll review for you elsewhere in this post.

It’s nice to feel hungry again. I was getting nervous.

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As promised, I’d like to offer a review of the ubiquitous BANQUET CHICKEN POT PIE, an American frozen food staple since the mid-1950s. In the “old” days you’d have to bake the pie in a traditional oven; today you can nuke it in your microwave with stellar results. The crust is absolute perfection and probably the best part of the entire pie, although the flavor and consistency of the filling are spot-on, too, with the chicken itself being the only exception. (The chicken is occasionally like chewing a fucking inner tube.)

This is a mighty tasty tiny meal for the grand total of 74¢ from Wal-Mart and a wonderfully cheap and speedy lunch or dinner option for senior citizens. Delight your grandma by keeping several pot pies in the freezer for her.

The Howdygram is pleased to award Banquet’s Chicken Pot Pie with a four-chopper rating. If Banquet could find a way to make the chicken less rubbery I’d give it an extra chopper!

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PLEASE NOTE. If you dare to turn on the TV today to watch Herr Trump’s Bullshit MAGA Extravaganza at the Lincoln Memorial, trust me … I’ll find a way to hunt you down and beat you over the head with a box of frozen Otter Pops! Thank you, and Sam and I wish y’all a very Happy Independence Day.

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I have a big project on tap for Friday. I need to find out if there are alternatives for long-acting (overnight) insulin besides Lantus SoloStar, which I’ve been using for about 10 years but is now so fucking expensive I want to strangle somebody. My co-pay for a 90-day supply of Lantus — even with a good Medicare Advantage Plan insurance policy — is $405. (When I had Lantus refilled back in March the co-pay was only $54!) I think I’ve probably reached that absurd Medicare “donut hole” now, where you hit a certain reimbursement level and your co-pay balloons to 95% of the drug’s retail price for a few months. It happens every year.

I’ve got a Lantus refill waiting for me right now at Wal-Mart, but before I ask Sam to pick it up I want to research my options. I’ll start with my hospice L.V.N., Leslie, because she has Type 2 diabetes like I do and would probably know what’s what.

One possibility … I might be able to give up Lantus completely. A couple of years ago my nurse practitioner with the Baylor HouseCalls program (Antonia) didn’t know why I used Lantus at all, especially since I also use Humulin R, which is a quick-acting insulin injected at mealtime. Antonia wanted me to stop using Lantus and monitor my blood sugar for a few days to see what happens. This might be a fine time for the big experiment! Woo-hoo!

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Know what’s on my agenda today? I’ll be asking Sam to COOK for me! Typically he nukes food in the microwave or bakes something in the oven (e.g., mozzarella sticks, frozen pizza), but today will involve a more “cheffy” activity such as measuring. For instance, I want him to make MARCY’S SLOPPY JOES with a can of Manwich and some rehydrated beef textured vegetable protein (TVP) that I bought last week from Thrive Life. The recipe couldn’t be easier. In a nice bowl you just rehydrate a cup of TVP in 2½ cups of very hot water, then you add your can of Manwich and nuke everything until it’s hot. This produces instant sloppy Joes … and you don’t have to worry about raw ground beef that could be contaminated with E.Coli!

In case you’re interested, TVP has the taste and texture of actual ground beef and you’d probably never know the difference, especially if you throw it into soup, chili, your favorite pasta sauce or (like your truly) sloppy Joes.

The other product shown in the photo above is Thrive Life’s instant Béchamel powder, a fabulously versatile product that a hungry individual can use for creamed vegetables, cream-based soup, chicken & dumplings (please see the recipe below) and white gravy!

As promised, here’s my recipe for THE HOWDYGRAM’S EXTREMELY SPEEDY CHICKEN & DUMPLINGS. Give this your best shot even though I can’t really guarantee perfect results for two reasons: 1) I’ve never actually made this before; and 2) I have no idea if you can follow instructions.

1. In a large frying pan, make 3 cups of Thrive Life Béchamel Sauce (1½ cups powder to 3 cups hot chicken stock).
2. Add a sprinkling of sautéed onions if you have any hanging around.
3. Add a cup of frozen, fully cooked peas & carrots.
4. Add a 12 oz. can of Kirkland’s chicken.
5. Heat to a simmer.
6. Top with eight Pillsbury Grands Southern-Style Biscuits cut in half.
7. Simmer uncovered for 10 minutes.
8. Place the lid on your pan and continue simmering for another 15 to 20 minutes.

This is a modified version of a Pillsbury recipe that I found online. Pillsbury’s version expects you to make a white (Béchamel) sauce from scratch with butter, flour and chicken stock. I know I could never talk Sam into made-from-scratch bechamel!

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I think I should publish this post now. It’s already after 1 p.m. and time for my first nap of the day! Thank you for reading this, and please don’t forget to remember the Alamo.