Mazel tov to me. I’m not nauseated tonight.

The best laid plans, right?

I had a horribly difficult bedpan experience last night. (Don’t ask.)

So here I am, enjoying a warm glass of sugar-free fruit punch (the ice melted a long time ago but I don’t want to wake Sam to ask for more), watching a favorite movie, Fatso (1980), starring Dom DeLuise and Anne Bancroft, and quietly pondering what I eventually want for a late dinner. I’m officially hungry now. You can tell your friends if you want to.

Merry Christmas, y’all.

Howdy, good morning, shalom, and I want to wish our goyishe friends and relatives A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS from Sam and yours truly! It’s presently 7:54 a.m. on Christmas morning, Sam just got home from a two-hour walk in the woods — yes, we live near actual woods — and only moments ago I took a large wad of pills to jump-start my day. Trouble is, I honestly can’t recall whether or not I included a couple of Hydrocodone tablets … but if I still feel like shit an hour from now I’ll have my answer.

We’re a pair of latke-lovers who don’t celebrate Christmas.

Happy Wednesday night to you and yours. It’s already December 23 — mark your calendar! — and only two days until Christmas just in case you’re a doofus who hasn’t bought any presents yet. Sam and I have no worries whatsoever in this department because: 1) Santa sucks; 2) we don’t drown things with tinsel; 3) we don’t buy presents for goyim; and 4) we’re a pair of latke-lovers who don’t celebrate Christmas. GET OVER IT ALREADY!

I’m loaded with fever germs today so why don’t you just drop off a big bag of snacks at the front door.

I hope Thursday is starting off better for YOU than for ME, because I’ve still got that fever hoo-hah going on. It was 101.2° when I woke up this morning at 4:45 to pish, and even though it’s down a little now I still feel like TOTAL CRAP. Other symptoms include no appetite, watery eyes and an overwhelming desire to watch my favorite David Niven movies, which is a good thing because I’ve got several to choose from on our DVR. These include Bachelor Mother (1939) with Ginger Rogers, Please Don’t Eat the Daisies (1960) with Doris Day and Around the World in 80 Days (1956). I’d invite you to come over and watch with me, but I’m loaded with fever germs today so why don’t you just drop off a big bag of snacks at the front door and we’ll call it a day.

Happy Christmas. Sam and I hope you get a ton of fantastic loot and zero fruitcakes.

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I should be in bed, so sleep is my one and only goal as soon as I finish this Howdygram post. I know you’ll understand if I keep it brief ... but first I’d like to wish you A Really Happy Christmas if you’re of the goyishe persuasion. Sam and I hope you get a ton of fantastic loot and zero fruitcakes.

We’re all just elf-loving pagans at heart, right?

I’d like to begin this post with an extra-special Christmas Eve message to our pal Gayle in Michigan, who’s stuck in bed, sick as a dog with pneumonia and barfing her way through the holidays. Sam and I hope she’ll be up and around as soon as possible so all that brand new food from Trader Joe’s won’t be a total waste.

Product recalls just in time for Christmas. Ho-ho-holy crap.

The Howdygram would like to alert you to a few scary product recalls just in time for your holiday gift-giving adventures. If you already have one of these gems under the tree you might want to consider Plan B, such as breakfast at Denny’s and a couple of Russell Stover marshmallow Santas.