The Howdygram 2: Sam invented The Million Little Meals Diet Program for Elderly Women Who Can’t Walk Any More.

Sunday, July 29, 2018

Sam invented The Million Little Meals Diet Program for Elderly Women Who Can’t Walk Any More.

At some point in our lives everybody has to deal with loss, and for the last couple of years I’ve been dealing with loss in spades. For example, a couple of hours ago I told Sam that I don’t remember how it feels: 1) to walk to the study; 2) to take a shower; 3) to wear clothes or shoes or lipstick; 4) to drive a car … or even ride in one; 5) to feel the wind in my hair; or 6) to live without pain. As a matter of fact, I’m lying on the chaise lounge in the family room — easily the most comfortable spot in the entire house — and I’m squirming around to “adjust” my left leg because the skin on the back of my thigh is burning.

So while the shit in my life sometimes never ends, at least I’ll always be thankful for Sam (the most precious critter on earth) and the Howdygram. Writing is therapeutic, it gives me a chance to be ridiculous and allows me to hurl my darkest thoughts onto an unsuspecting public … namely you.

I think it would probably help if I elucidated the million little ways that Sam has changed my life. For instance …

Sam invented the TUSH PUSH, during which he sits next to me when I try to stand up from the chaise lounge to walk to the bench and gives my ass a friendly shove until I get my balance. We both find this activity enjoyable.
The REVERSE TUSH PUSH is pretty much the same thing but heading in the opposite direction (i.e., standing up from the bench to go back to the chaise lounge). Very enjoyable.
Sam also invented UNLIMITED POPSICLES after he realized that I get very dried out wearing an oxygen cannula 24/7. Seriously ... no matter how many times I ask him for two Popsicles, we never run out! (We also never run out of Green Giant mushrooms, but I’m pretty sure that has nothing to do with drying out from an oxygen cannula.)
A few days ago Sam decided to take over the care and treatment of the DETERIORATING SKIN on the back of my thighs, whereby he uses warm compresses and the perfect level of light abrasion to get rid of the dry (itchy!) scabby crap. Tomorrow he also wants to start shmearing me with Balmex barrier cream. I think that sounds like a fantastic idea!
Sam also invented THE MILLION LITTLE MEALS DIET PROGRAM FOR ELDERLY WOMEN WHO CAN’T WALK ANY MORE. He’s always willing to keep me fed and help me satisfy my weird food cravings 24 hours a day … i.e., bringing me Del Monte Pickled Beets with sour cream, Spaghetti Os, a couple of hot Pillsbury biscuits, a can of La Preferida Spanish Rice, Vienna Sausages with Grey Poupon mustard and so on. Since I spend most of my life lying down now, it’s stupid and not especially healthy to eat full-size meals any more. Thank you, Sam!

Idiot, pervert, disgraced former judge, Einstein and unsuccessful Senate candidate Roy Moore of Alabama has filed a lawsuit against the Super PAC Highway 31 for running ads claiming that he was banned from the Gadsden Mall for constantly hitting on the underage teenage girls who worked there ... a claim supported by a number of people who were employed at Gadsden Mall at the time and including at least one woman he repeatedly tried to “pick up” when she was only 15.

The shopping mall ad ran hundreds of times on network TV in Alabama during the two-week period right before the election. Moore claimed the story was untrue … but because he’s a public figure, in order to prove libel Moore and his attorney would have to prove that the PAC acted with actual malice, meaning that they knew the story was a lie and used it to ruin Moore’s reputation. Yes, the shopping mall story was denied by Moore, but it was actually corroborated by far more.

Child predator and disgraced former judge Roy Moore.

The lawsuit states that Roy and Kayla Moore suffered a loss of their “peaceable marital interest,” in not being able to appear in public without unwarranted humiliation, ridicule, disgrace, shame and contempt. They also claimed that the false and defamatory attacks impaired the enjoyment of their marriage, including the customary love, companionship, affection, comfort, solace and support.

What the fuck!?

Roy Moore was a well-known child predator long before Highway 31 Super PAC started running its ads during the run-up to the election, and any woman who’d willingly remain married to him — i.e., Kayla Moore — would have to be a moron, a mental case and a total loser.

I only have three FREE FONTS for you tonight … and all of them can be categorized as display fonts. I especially love “Hello Bello” and “Raydiant” because they both have lots of extra interesting characters, and “Hello Bello” includes a separate style full of dingbats and swashy things. Woo-hoo! Download links will appear after the graphic.