Let’s move on to some other subjects of interest, shall we?
I’m very excited to introduce a new Howdygram section … Speedy Food for the Elderly and Generally Inept. It’s mostly just a new name for an old section (Speedy Recipes for Old Coots) that features the actual recipe in an attractive little text box with a background color. And that’s because I recently remembered how to code these damn things. Woo-hoo! I’M SHOWING OFF! And so, without further adieu, here’s I’m thrilled to present my first two official entries!
SAUCY ZUCCHINI & SPUDS VEGETARIAN HOO-HAH
Simple as can be! Pour one can of Del Monte Zucchini in Italian Style Tomato Sauce (undrained) into a small mixing bowl and add one can of well-drained sliced new potatoes, any brand. Microwave on High for about four minutes, or until everything is really hot and the sauce is shpritzing all over the place. Stir in one packet of Equal if you like a sweeter tomato sauce (like I do). For me, this is easy to eat lying down with a soup spoon so I won’t drip red sauce all over myself and look pathetic. Enjoy!
Simple as can be! Pour one can of Del Monte Zucchini in Italian Style Tomato Sauce (undrained) into a small mixing bowl and add one can of well-drained sliced new potatoes, any brand. Microwave on High for about four minutes, or until everything is really hot and the sauce is shpritzing all over the place. Stir in one packet of Equal if you like a sweeter tomato sauce (like I do). For me, this is easy to eat lying down with a soup spoon so I won’t drip red sauce all over myself and look pathetic. Enjoy!
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| Del Monte Zucchini and Del Monte Sliced Taters. |
I have a second recipe tonight, too … as in, right now! I figure there’s no point holding onto a second recipe until my next post because I might forget it. That would be ridiculous, and I also might forget it.
IMMEDIATE FAUX POT ROAST WITH WHOLE NEW TATERS
Almost as good as my mother’s but without the aggravation! Please empty one 14½-oz. can of Keystone Beef (with the liquid) into a microwave-safe pie pan, and add one can of well-drained whole new potatoes, any brand, and move them around until they’re wet and attractively distributed. Sprinkle with a pinch of salt and pepper and then microwave on High for about four minutes, or until everything is hot and steamy. Know what? This tastes exactly like pot roast … EXCEPT IT’S NOT! And it’s IMMEDIATE (i.e., really, really fast) and only takes four minutes to cook!
Almost as good as my mother’s but without the aggravation! Please empty one 14½-oz. can of Keystone Beef (with the liquid) into a microwave-safe pie pan, and add one can of well-drained whole new potatoes, any brand, and move them around until they’re wet and attractively distributed. Sprinkle with a pinch of salt and pepper and then microwave on High for about four minutes, or until everything is hot and steamy. Know what? This tastes exactly like pot roast … EXCEPT IT’S NOT! And it’s IMMEDIATE (i.e., really, really fast) and only takes four minutes to cook!
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| Keystone Beef and Del Monte Whole New Taters. |
Even though, if you want to get all nitpicky about it, the science hasn’t changed and asbestos still fucks up human lungs and causes cancer ... even in kids whose dads worked with it and never even touched the stuff themselves. While existing prohibitions on asbestos will remain in place, this is nonetheless a huge win for Donald Trump, who has long believed science is just a myth that liberals invented to hurt “job creators” and ethical skyscraper developers such as himself.
You may (or may not) recall, back in the 1990s, Trump argued in one of his dumb books that there’s not a thing wrong with asbestos. Not only is it “100 percent safe, once applied,” it simply “got a bad rap” from people who wanted to ruin him. And he also believed the anti-asbestos movement was started by the mob, since it was usually mob-related companies that did all the asbestos removal! And more recently, in 2012, Stable Genius Donald Trump expressed his expert opinion on how the World Trade Center would still be standing today, if only …
If we didn’t remove incredibly powerful fire retardant asbestos and replace it with junk that doesn’t work, the World Trade Center would never have burned down! — DONALD J. TRUMP
Donald, Donald, Donald, you fucking moron, the World Trade Center didn’t “burn down” … the towers were targeted and incinerated by two 747 passenger jets HIJACKED BY AL-QAEDA TERRORISTS!
And finally, here are my last two news bulletins from last week’s Crappy Catheter Incident. And you get two for the price of one!
CRAPPY CATHETER INCIDENT, DETAIL #4
A hospice R.N. was here simply to change my catheter last Wednesday morning. Before we got started Julia had to “paint” my private parts with Betadyne solution, an antiseptic dark brown “stain” typically used before surgery. She asked Sam to get a scissors to open the Betadyne packet … but the packet exploded, sprayed all over Sam and dyed our ivory carpeting. (Even worse … the stupid clod never apologized!)
CRAPPY CATHETER INCIDENT, DETAIL #5
Julia worked so hard trying to find my missing urethra that her face was covered with profuse sweat … which she dripped all over my stomach and my “privates” until I was soaking wet. I seriously thought Sam was going to vomit.
A hospice R.N. was here simply to change my catheter last Wednesday morning. Before we got started Julia had to “paint” my private parts with Betadyne solution, an antiseptic dark brown “stain” typically used before surgery. She asked Sam to get a scissors to open the Betadyne packet … but the packet exploded, sprayed all over Sam and dyed our ivory carpeting. (Even worse … the stupid clod never apologized!)
CRAPPY CATHETER INCIDENT, DETAIL #5
Julia worked so hard trying to find my missing urethra that her face was covered with profuse sweat … which she dripped all over my stomach and my “privates” until I was soaking wet. I seriously thought Sam was going to vomit.
Thank you for reading this. I’m not kidding.
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