Do you think you’d remember if you received the same birthday card from me two years in a row?

I’m not sure how to begin this post because I’ve never been this unconscious before. I first opened my eyes today at 9 a.m., put on my glasses, took my morning drugs and fell back asleep … and I remained comfortably asleep until 6:45 p.m. Eighteen consecutive hours of glorious sleep, and that’s NOT a typo, people! I woke up today at 6:45 p.m.

The Howdygram keeps me sane, focused, authentic and entertaining (I hope).

Whoa … where the hell did 2018 go? We’re already into the second half of the year — it’s the Fourth of July, for God’s sake — and before you can blink your pruny little eyelids I’ll be writing posts about wonderful ideas for Hanukkah presents and where to buy them. (Hint: How come you’re not shopping at The Howdygram Store?) In the meantime ... happy Fourth from Sam and me, and I sure wouldn’t mind a couple of grilled hot dogs if you’ve got any extras. Also cole slaw. (Actually, I’d rather just have the cole slaw. Nix the hot dogs.)

Nobody needs to stand around in triple-digit heat listening to a crowd of Southern Baptist pastors.

It’s 9:42 a.m., Saturday, June 30, and Sam should almost be downtown by now for the Families Belong Together rally. Sam and I aren’t the children of immigrants — but our parents were — and I can’t imagine what life would have been like for our families if America hadn’t opened her arms at the beginning of the 20th century. My father’s parents came from Russia, and mom’s came from Hungary and Romania … all of them were Jews escaping persecution and fleeing to the only country on earth that would welcome them. And nothing has changed in 2018. Refugees still come to America hoping to escape persecution, get an education and build a successful life, except now that door has been slammed shut in their faces by the swollen orange baboon in the White House. I’m proud that Sam is making his voice heard today.

I wonder if they’ll ever find a starving family in Dallas that wants half-gallon jars of hot Chicago-style giardiniera.

Shalom and howdy! I woke up exceptionally early today (before 7 a.m.) following a shitty, shitty night with a migraine and nausea that started around 1:30 in the morning. Sam sat up with me in the family room because somebody had to listen to me moan and hold the bowl, right? (I think he eventually just fell asleep on the sofa.)

If you dislike descriptive prose about bowel movements, please feel free to skip the following paragraph.

I’ve had quite a day so far, dear readers. It’s currently 2:25 p.m., Sam is conked out on the sofa and I’m watching the original Ghostbusters (1984) starring Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Sigourney Weaver. (It’s almost over. The Stay-Puft marshmallow man just blew up.) We’re enjoying a one-month free trial from Netflix. Yee-haw.

Incidentally, if you dislike descriptive prose about bowel movements please feel free to skip the following paragraph.

Sam is my full-time caregiver, and he deserves as many Dairy Queen blizzards as he can get.

Woo-hoo … Sam and I are trying SOMETHING NEW today! Instead of waiting until late afternoon (around 5 p.m.) for me to get up off the chaise and use my computer, I’m giving it a shot around 10 a.m. instead … which is the time I used to migrate into the study in years past. It was Sam who suggested this, actually, because he has more energy in the morning to shlep things around in the family room, crawl on the floor to relocate my catheter bag and scoot under the desk to plug in my computer and lamp. It’s definitely a lot of work. He’s my full-time caregiver and he deserves as many breaks — and Dairy Queen blizzards! — as he can get.

Catheter Day was a fabulous success. Thank you for putting up with me.

We’ve got another blistering-hot summer day in Texas. My hospice C.N.A. was here a few minutes ago — it’s bathing and hygiene day at Howdygram headquarters — and she said the forecast calls for a high of 105° today. HOLY CRAP. That’s considered extremely hot for Texas … especially since it’s only June and we still have several months of summer weather ahead of us. And I’m even including September, which is usually just as hot as August!

This has been quite a day here, relatively-speaking!

Sam and I have to get synchronized. He went shopping at Wal-Mart before I woke up this morning … which means I didn’t have a chance to to print the neatly-typed grocery list I’d prepared for the occasion, and that he only remembered to buy everything HE needed. At this point in time, therefore, we’re still missing all of the following:

There are two things happening this week at Howdygram headquarters.

Howdy-do, boys and girls. It’s 8:45 p.m., and Sam and I are watching Life Begins for Andy Hardy (1941) starring Mickey Rooney. I guess I was badly in need of a “pick-me-up” tonight after two days feeling like shit with zero appetite. Other than that, life has been totally swell. (I think.) And in case you’re interested, here’s a photo from the aforementioned Andy Hardy movie.

I’m pretty sure the Queen doesn’t eat rib tips, grits or collard greens.

SATURDAY, 5/19/2018, 10:35 P.M. Just a short “update” post before I go to sleep: I CAN BREATHE AGAIN! After being unable to take a deep breath for the last 48 hours I’m pleased to announce a recovery that’s still in progress. Baylor HouseCalls’ weekend medical crew told me to take a more substanial dose of Lasix (40mg in the morning, 20mg in the afternoon) … and IT WORKED. I’ve been peeing like Niagara Falls every 60 minutes since 7:30 this morning, which is exhausting, frustrating and seriously inconvenient … mostly because I can’t usually make it to the commode. (Thank God we’ve got a huge box of wee-wee pads.) Lasix is pulling every ounce of liquid out of my body, exactly as it’s supposed to do. And Baylor even sent a radiology technician to take a chest x-ray. I’m waiting to hear about the results.

There’s a weekend of huge thrills coming up at Howdygram headquarters.

WEDNESDAY, 5/16/2018, 9:47 P.M. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on with me tonight, but I haven’t felt very creative. Or cheerful. Or anything. I’ve started and deleted three Howdygram posts, and now it’s already approaching 10 p.m. and I’m ready to lie down and conk out. Jesus.

My BFF Sandi and I first met in summer school in 1963 … and she’ll be here on Friday!

This is something new for me … I’m lying on the chaise in the family room with my MacBook Pro balanced on my stomach. Wondering why? Because I was too fucking uncomfortable this morning to sit on the sofa!

Tomorrow I’m going to wash my hair with one of those no-rinse shampoo shower cap thingies for coots.

FRIDAY, 9:18 A.M. It’s pouring rain right now but Sam decided not to postpone his “do” list this morning. Therefore he’s on his way to the barber shop for a haircut and then to Wal-Mart for a few grocery essentials … frozen steak fries, bananas, baby carrots and Wal-Mart’s store brand frozen batter-dipped fish fillets because they’re the best frozen fish fillets we’ve ever had. They’re tasty, they’re the perfect size, they don’t smell when you bake them and we can make dinner for two in our toaster oven. I recommend pairing them with Wal-Mart’s store brand tartar sauce and some steak fries. WHAT AN OUTSTANDING MEAL!

Our cowardly lyin’ President skipped the White House Correspondents’ Dinner again this year.

SATURDAY, 2:06 P.M., 4/28/2018. Sam tells me that today will be a typical spring day in Texas … it’s 87° at 2 p.m. with an explosion of hot yellow sunshine and just enough humidity to turn Dallas into a very lovely SWAMP. Therefore we’re both enjoying our Saturday indoors here at air-conditioned Howdygram headquarters … with a nice light lunch and a William Powell movie! Today it’s Private Detective 62 (1933) co-starring Margaret Lindsay.

A gigantic “fuck you” to my asshole physical therapist from the home health agency.

Hi-de-ho, boys and girls! It’s a pleasant Friday evening here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam and I are watching an HBO Elvis special — meh — and enjoying Wal-Mart fish fillets with Wal-Mart tartar sauce and Wal-Mart plastic forks. It’s such an elegant life, isn’t it?

I’m determined to start walking again all by myself before Tuesday so I can fire my physical therapist. I hate him.

WEDNESDAY, 8:20 P.M., 4/25/2018. I’ve had another very weird, very stressful day. Most of it was peppered with bouts of uncontrollable pishing … every 45 minutes from 11 a.m. this morning until almost 5 in the afternoon. By the time it all subsided I was so goddamn exhausted I could barely move any more. And then, an hour later, around 6 p.m. when I started eating dinner, all of a sudden I felt like I was burning up, so Sam took my temperature and it was REALLY HIGH, such as 99.8°. And keep in mind that 99.8° is really high for moi because my normal body temperature is typically 96.5°.

Trust me, crab boat fisherman are NOT air force test pilots “reaching into the unknown.”

Top o’ the morning to you! (Oy. I think I’m delirious.) It’s an overcast Thursday a.m., seriously windy, and even though I’m a housebound old coot my eyes are watering from all the springtime pollen flying around outside. Does any of this make sense?

Sam is my sweetheart and my security blanket. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

So here’s what’s happening regarding our home health aide hoo-hah [see yesterday’s post]. After finding out from Comfort Keepers how much it would cost to hire an aide to stay with me for 36 hours — more than $500! — Sam decided it was just too damn expensive to make that trip to Phoenix in June. He’s disappointed … and I’m disappointed, too.

Our tree has bugs on it.

Yo, everybody. It’s 2:25 a.m., and I just woke up from a juicy extended nap and entertainment break in the family room that included an episode of “People’s Court,” Broadway Melody of 1940 starring Fred Astaire and Eleanor Powell, and the first 45 minutes of The Eddy Duchin Story (1956) starring Tyrone Power and Kim Novak, because at that point I had to get up and pish already.

Our new iMacs are here. I’m so excited I can’t stand it.

Hi, boys and girls. I’ve been trying to write a Howdygram post for three days but it’s been difficult getting started, and I honestly can’t figure out WHY. I guess I was feeling emotionally droopy, generally blah and not very energetic. Incidentally, to those of you who panicked that I got sick again and landed back in the hospital, please calm down. I’m fine.