The Howdygram 2: Sam is shopping for a pedometer and I’ve been pondering an overly-generous squirt of liquid Morphine.

TUESDAY, 8/21/2018, 10:31 A.M. Yo, boys and girls, and happy Tuesday morning to you and yours from the fine folks at Howdygram headquarters! Sam just left for the mall, where he’s hoping to find the perfect pair of jeans for his trip to California in September. He lost a considerable number of pounds earlier this year, and shiny new pants are always the best way to celebrate a weight loss … right? Of course, I’m a certifiable Google genius, which means I’ll try to find Sam’s perfect jeans online before he actually parts with any money in a retail store. If the same brand, style, size and color are available for less dough anywhere on the Internet, I’ll track ‘em down!

(Remind me to tell you the story when we needed a new WATER HEATER in 2014 and how I saved us more than $1,000 in less than five minutes while a plumber was here trying to sell us the water heater in his truck for twice that price. It was brilliant.)

While I wait for Sam to fling my lunch — frozen Pillsbury Grands biscuits — into the toaster oven, I’ll let you know what’s in store for the coming week around here. Ready? My Wednesday morning bath has been rescheduled to Thursday, and I also have a bath scheduled on Friday That’s it. TWO BATHS, 20 minutes each on consecutive days. I might also want my hair washed, but I’m not positive yet.

Incidentally, Sam always helps me with hair-washing because my shoulders hurt, I have very limited mobility with my crappy hands and I can’t stand up any more at the sink. The solution? I buy those No-Rinse Shampoo Cap Thingies for Invalids with Ridiculous Conditioner … and they’re VERY, VERY NICE!

The handy-dandy No-Rinse Shampoo Cap Thingies for Invalids with Ridiculous Conditioner.

WEDNESDAY, 8/22/2018. 9:31 A.M. I’m waiting for assorted DRUGS today. I love drugs! When Stella was here on Monday she re-tested my wee-wee with a laboratory “dip stick,” announced that I’ve still got a urinary tract infection, and said she’d tell the hospice M.D. so he can prescribe another antibiotic for me. Typically I’d receive an antibiotic delivery within six hours. Didn’t happen. I threw in yesterday (Tuesday) just for the hell of it and finally texted Stella about an hour ago to ask (nicely) where the hell is my antibiotic and please also send me a 15-day Lasix refill ASAP. She texted back that I’d receive both drugs — Lasix and a new antibiotic, Macrobid — on the pharmacy’s 1 p.m. delivery run. The only thing better than free drugs is … FREE DRUGS WITH FREE HOME DELIVERY! Woo-hoo!

I know I probably shouldn’t do this, but two or three times a week I take extra Lasix. My reasons for doing so include any or all of the following: 1) chest congestion; 2) difficulty breathing; 3) my legs feel bloated; 4) it’s fun to fill up my catheter bag and watch Sam empty it; and 5) extra Lasix isn’t necessarily “forbidden,” because whenever I’m hospitalized the cardiologist always prescribes 80mg twice a day. (At home my prescription is 40mg twice a day.) When I take “extra,” it’s typically 1½ pills at a time. You won’t tell anybody, right?

WEDNESDAY, 12:49 P.M. Our maid is vacuuming the master bedroom, Sam is at the sporting goods store shopping for a pedometer, and I’ve been pondering an overly-generous squirt of liquid Morphine so I can move to my iMac computer workstation as soon as Sam gets home. Whew! What a fabulous compound sentence!

Before I can have any fun today with my iMac, however, I’ve got artwork for dozens of greeting cards that needs to be uploaded to The Howdygram Store. Every card requires four separate uploads … front, interior #1, interior #2 and back … plus a title for each greeting card, a two- or three-sentence description and five to 10 search keywords. Oy.

Although you probably don’t give a crap about this (okay … maybe just a little?), Zazzle recently changed the format that designers (such as yours truly) use when they upload their greeting card artwork. At first I thought the new format was the one I hated, but as it turns out … it’s the old one! If you’re confused, join the club … because today I discovered that all the greeting cards I deleted yesterday were deleted by mistake. YES, I WANT TO BLOW MY BRAINS OUT. So for the next couple of days I’ll be re-uploading the same goddamn artwork for dozens and dozens of cards so my customers can continue buying them.

All of a sudden it’s starting to look dark outside, but I don’t think there’s any rain in the forecast. Or thunderstorms, either. Jesus. Never mind.

Once again I’ve got a magnificent herd of FREE FONTS for you … lots of hand-lettered display fonts (my favorites are “Puckery Tart” and “Hello I Like You”), a few nice scripts (love, love, love “Local Brewery Two”) and several pleasant and intensely-useful sans serifs (“Local Brewery Four” and “True North Inline”). Most of the fonts illustrated below come from a bundle I know you’ll enjoy very much. The first on the list, “Striped King,” was part of Monday’s freebie giveaway from Creative Market. Please send me an email and I’ll be glad to send you the file. Download links for the others appear after the graphic.

Striped King • Juicy Gossip • Puckery Tart • Winter Font Bundle

Shortly after including that juicy list of free fonts (see above) I ran across four more and decided to include them in this post, because why the fuck not. “Zubilo!” and “Oldser” are layering fonts with multiple styles, “Megattor” is a terrific casual script and “Bettels Fox” will be my new favorite for greeting cards. I’ll include download links below the graphic.