The Howdygram 2: I’m having blintzes for lunch!

Saturday, October 27, 2018

I’m having blintzes for lunch!

It’s the “wee hours” of Saturday morning. Sam is in bed and I should be asleep, too … except I’m not. Friday was a difficult day for me because I couldn’t get comfortable. My typical go-to plan is to lie my hospital bed flat, raise the knees all the way so I can slide myself down to the head of the bed, and then raise myself back up until I can focus my eyes on the TV again.

If none of this makes sense, don’t worry about it. It doesn’t make any sense to me, either.

My hospice administrator, Bea, is coming for a visit today. It’s not completely a “social” visit, though … I think we’re going to do battle about drugs. For the last several weeks I’ve been trying — without success — to get a new prescription for Hydrocodone. Back in July when I started taking liquid Morphine for “breakthrough” pain, the hospice M.D. cancelled my Hydrocodone. Except I discovered that liquid Morphine doesn’t work well for me. It makes me sick. As in, nauseated, lightheaded, and the feeling that I’m going to black out, even at a low dose. So … a few weeks ago I asked the M.D. to cancel my liquid Morphine prescription and give me back my Hydrocodone, which is the only drug I’ve ever taken for pain that actually WORKS, and with zero side effects.

The doctor, however, has decided to play mind games with me. He tells me “no” to the Hydrocodone until I try taking more extended-release Morphine. Instead of 30mg twice a day, therefore, I’m instructed to take 30mg three times a day. Frankly, I’ve noticed no difference at all in the amount of pain relief with three tablets a day, so now he wants me to try 45mg three times a day, which is insane. I’m not a huge fan of Morphine any more. I don’t want more Morphine … I WANT MY HYDROCODONE AGAIN.

But nope … the doctor is still fucking with me! He wants to keep me on a high dose of extended-release Morphine plus a new drug that he’s sending over today … something called Klonopin. I decide to look up Klonopin on WebMd.

DRUG CLASSIFICATION: Klonopin is an anticonvulsant that’s also used to treat multiple sclerosis and panic attacks.
SIDE EFFECTS: Depression, headaches, sleep disturbances, slurred speech, sore gums, diarrhea and uncontrollable salivation.
WARNINGS: Use of this drug with opioids can result in profound sedation, respiratory depression, coma, and death.

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK?!

Even at first glance I’ve got three major problems with this drug. First, it’s not a pain-killer. Why would a doctor prescribe this horrible drug for pain? Second, the side effects. Please allow me some fucking dignity, okay? I refuse to spend the end of my life in a pitch black room with cold compresses on my head, drooling like a St. Bernard and shitting all over the bed! And third, I have a serious issue with the warnings, because I take extended-release Morphine three times a day … and Morphine is a GODDAMN OPIOID.

So, for all of these reasons — not a pain-killer, migraines, uncontrollable drooling, diarrhea, sedation, coma and death — Klonopin is thoroughly terrifying and I will not take it.

I should probably just publish this post already so I can get back to today’s classic movie selections: The Saint Takes Over (1940) starring George Sanders, Topper (1937) starring Cary Grant, Constance Bennett and Roland Young, and Little Women (1933) starring Katharine Hepburn.