The Howdygram 2: My new senior citizen forklift is here. Whoa.

THURSDAY, 10/11/2018, 3:10 P.M. It’s here! It’s here! My new Senior Citizen Forklift — also known as a Hoyer Lift — finally showed up Wednesday afternoon around 5:30 p.m. along with a friendly young man named David who definitely did NOT want to see me naked … and even said so. (I was mildly insulted.) He provided Sam with some cursory information and operating instructions, but as soon as he left we knew we’d need a different style sling than the one that came with the lift, because it requires me to roll around in bed to get it on … and I don’t roll very easily. To tell you the truth, I can’t roll at all. So Sam said he’d do some investigation online to find a more comfortable (and easier-to-use) sling contraption. And here it is!

This is the exact style sling that we want for my new Hoyer Lift.

FRIDAY, 10/12/2018, 12:19 P.M. First thing this morning Sam texted our hospice administrator (Bea) to request my preferred sling style, and she’s still trying to find it for us. Unfortunately, right now I really don’t want to think about this. I’ve decided to tune out the entire process because I feel myself sinking into a depression, waiting for a major disappointment and bad news, and I don’t like feeling crabby. I already have enough other shit going on in my life … such as spending all day Thursday unable to swallow my food, and it was REALLY REALLY HORRIBLE. I couldn’t even choke down a tropical Popsicle. Jesus.

I’ve got fabulous news regarding the replacement sling we’ve been trying to snag for my Hoyer Lift. Believe it or not, it took about 15 seconds this morning to find exactly what we wanted on Amazon! Sam called Bea with the news, and she told us to go ahead and order the sling, give her a copy of the receipt and she’ll reimburse us for the cost ($109) even though Medicare won’t cover the expense! Sam and I were floored by her offer, because hospices don’t typically offer to pay for services or equipment not covered by Medicare. FYI, I ordered the same sling in two different sizes, not knowing which one I’d need. We plan to return one of them. (Both will be delivered on Sunday.) Woo-hoo! DEPRESSION AVERTED!

A few minutes ago I ordered myself a black bariatric “slide sheet” from Amazon … a thin, slippery sheet of fabric that will help me move around and reposition myself in bed. Repositioning was never an issue when I slept on the chaise lounge every night because it was leather, but repositioning in a hospital bed with a traditional bed sheet is a whole ’nother story. This slide sheet will probably change my life. (I realize this photo is ridiculous, but you’ll get over it.)

A slippery “slide sheet” will help me move around in bed and ricochet onto other furniture.

Know what? I placed my very first order today from the Wal-Mart Grocery website! It was just like shopping in a Wal-Mart Superstore, with fresh produce, dairy, meat, frozen, prepared foods and everything from the deli! Fucking amazing! Then I paid for my cart, chose a 60-minute time window for pickup, and Sam drove over to our Wal-Mart Superstore on the I-30 service road, parked in a designated spot, and a nice Wal-Mart employee ran out to the car with our order. IT WAS REALLY THAT EASY. And it was free, too!

For your possible interest, pictured below are a few of the products that I ordered yesterday … little fresh-made Simple Scrambles omelet cups from Jimmy Dean, one-pound Panera Mac & Cheese cups, Shrimp & Crab Salad, and fully-cooked Jack Daniels Glazed Chicken Breasts. Keep in mind … I haven’t been able to get fabulous shit like this from a Wal-Mart Superstore since I first began dealing with my handicap (i.e., being unable to walk) about nine years ago. Sam hates grocery shopping almost as much as he hates Wal-Mart Superstores, so I’ve had to limit his shopping trips to a small Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market store that only carries a fraction of the merchandise you’d find in a Superstore.

Out of curiosity … have you ever tried Jimmy Dean Simple Scrambles? They’re wonderful! It’s actually a little DIY omelet-in-a-cup — from the refrigerated section of your supermarket — that includes two beaten eggs in a sealed container plus a teeny plastic bag full of chopped bacon and shredded cheddar cheese. (They also make a version with pork sausage.) And then you just stir it and nuke it! I also highly recommend that Shrimp & Crab Salad, which I just ate for lunch. (Okay, I had about two bites.) Oh my God, I haven’t had “fun” food like this in the fridge for an awfully long time, and what’s even more exciting, I finally get to see what’s on store shelves in 2018. I haven’t set foot in a supermarket for about 10 years!

SATURDAY, 10/13/2018, 2:36 A.M. Sam just went to bed and I’m watching Reds (1981) starring Warren Beatty and Diane Keaton. It’s a biographical masterpiece about journalist Jack Reed and his wife, Louise Bryant, during World War I and the Russian Revolution. I love this movie! It’s quirky, factual, heart-wrenching and a truly amazing piece of work. Practically everybody was nominated for an Academy Award; Beatty won Best Director and Maureen Stapleton won Best Supporting Actress.