At long last, my chaise lounge will be replaced tomorrow by an authentic, full-size hospital bed.

I suppose I always knew this would happen eventually. Tomorrow morning my beloved chaise lounge, the virtual nerve center of Howdygram headquarters and the chair on which I’ve slept day and night in the family room for the last six years, will be replaced by an AUTHENTIC, FULL-SIZE HOSPITAL BED.

This morning I told my hospice R.N. that I’d been unable to get up off the chaise today because my legs just weren’t strong enough any more, not to mention, also, that the chaise had begun to sag badly of late, and she remarked that I’d have infinitely better success using a real hospital bed because it has built-in rails and grab-bars. Plus, the hospice can provide one for me (very ritzy, 100% electronic and extremely fancy), with millions of buttons and a jumbo remote, totally free of charge — FREE OF CHARGE! — and my C.N.A. will be glad to change the bed linens for us every week when she’s here. So for all of these reasons Sam and I agreed to the hospital bed, bidding a fond farewell to the beautiful décor of our family room.

Furthermore, the hospice administrator said she’d arrange for a couple of Mesquite paramedics to show up in the morning to help me transfer from the chaise into my new bed. This is definitely a relief, as Sam is no spring chicken any more and doesn’t have the strength to lift, shlep or move my body. I love Mesquite paramedics!

So tomorrow’s the big day. Oy.

IF YOU’RE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD on Thursday and want to own a used, slightly saggy stone-color top grain leather chaise lounge at absolutely NO COST TO YOU whatsoever, please drive past our house by 9 a.m. and grab the chair from the curb. First come, first served! (No, sorry, the chaise definitely won’t fit in the back seat of your car.) Please click here to request our home address. Best of luck!

It’s a few minutes before midnight, Sam is unconscious on the sofa and I’m watching A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1966) starring Zero Mostel (as Pseudolus, a Roman slave), Phil Silvers (as Marcus Lycus, the owner of a brothel) and Buster Keaton (as Erronius, a wealthy Roman searching the seven hills for his stolen children).

Jack Gifford, Michael Hordern, Zero Mostel and Phil Silvers sing my favorite number.

This movie is FUCKING HILARIOUS, people, with some of the funniest slapstick gags, off-color jokes and musical numbers I’ve ever seen. I think my all-time favorite number is “Everybody Ought to Have a Maid.”

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I think I need to get some sleep now. I’m tired, my eyelids feel like concrete and I’ve got at least four adorable movies I’d like to finish up.

Thank you for reading this. Screw the Alamo.