Tonight’s late-night bedside buffet will include Del Monte zucchini and a jar of pickled beets.

It’s definitely been an annoying day around here. For starters, we’ve had too damn many stinking interruptions, including: 1) my hospice C.N.A. at 10:30 this morning for routine bathing and hygiene baloney; 2) two Wal-Mart deliveries; 3) a prescription delivery from the hospice pharmacy; and 4) I think that’s it. And with regard to item #2, we did not receive the canned Keystone Beef that I was expecting, and this was the third time that UPS rescheduled my delivery this week. The swine!

For a change please do your best not to forget the Alamo. Also, L’Shanah Tovah, y’all.

Happy Sunday morning, boys and girls! It’s a few minutes past 11 a.m. and I thought it might be huge fun to get started on today’s Howdygram post as there really isn’t anything else to do whatsoever. I’m lying quietly on the chaise lounge in the family room with a cannula stuffed up my nose, enjoying the steady glub-and-gurgle of my oxygen generator. So … how’s the family?

I love my nuke-able bowls of Chef Boyardee fetal ravioli.

Holy crap. There’s so much to write about today I almost don’t know where to start! Maybe I’ll try organizing my thoughts into convenient subtitled paragraphs BECAUSE THIS IS MY BLOG AND I WANT TO.

Without Amazon I never would have known the joy of a canned meat subscription.

It’s good to be back with you this afternoon! I just woke up from the World’s Shortest Unexplained Nap — less than 35 stinking minutes — due to a crazy dream that MY INTESTINES WERE READY TO EXPLODE and I had get to a bathroom as fast as possible. Fortunately I made it to the bathroom, my intestines DID NOT explode, so now I’m parked at my desk with a nice little bottle of ice cold Coke Zero while I wait for a burst of bloggular creativity. If all else fails I’ve decided to shoot for another nap after my next dose of hardcore narcotics at 4 p.m. Thank you.

Kill me now. I haven’t slept since Tuesday.

THURSDAY, 7:15 A.M. I hope you don’t think I’m joking about this because I’m NOT. I can’t get comfortable, I can’t fall asleep and I’m not even especially tired. Trouble is, when I don’t sleep I run into all kinds of unexpected health issues, such as elevated blood sugar numbers, increased pain in my legs and a severe lack of motivation to make soup. I’m pretty damn miserable right now and the weather outside isn’t helping much because it’s 39°, windy and pouring rain. For your possible interest the teeny red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters but don’t bother to zoom in because I’m crabby, my hair is a mess and I don’t feel like waving to you or to anybody else. Thank you.

I hate Randy Weber and I hate his stupid ass-face.

Tuesday was an odd yet mostly uneventful day here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam had a doctor appointment first thing in the morning — during which he was diagnosed with the final throes of a mysterious flu-ish virus and a rather severe case of stress — followed by a quick trip to our local Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market for a short list of urgent provisions that included two prescriptions for yours truly, English muffins, sugar-free Jell-O cups in our favorite fruity flavors and teeny bottles of Coke Zero for my mini-fridge in the study. I also wanted braunschweiger but they didn’t have any. I am, as expected, fucking despondent.

Childhood memories, winter soup inspiration and another dead celebrity.

Let’s begin today with celebrity news, okay? Apparently German-born actress Luise Rainer has passed away at age 104 of natural causes, because when you’re 104 even a hangnail could kill you. Until today she had been the oldest living Oscar-winner who wasn’t dead yet.

Even if I watched “Ben-Hur” a thousand times I don’t think I could ever find fault with a single minute of it.

Warmest greetings from slumberland, where your celebrated Howdygram editrix has been gloriously semi-conscious since breakfast this morning. Translation: I’M FINALLY GETTING SOME GODDAMN SLEEP. Following my weekly Sausage McMuffin I went back to bed at 9 a.m. and slept until 12:30, ate a memorable lunch from Five Guys and conked out in the family room from 1:15 until 5, successfully sleeping through Murder at the Gallop (1963) starring Margaret Rutherford, Chocolat (2000) starring Juliette Binoche and Judi Dench, and The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984) starring Gregory Hines, Joan Rivers and a pile of puppets. THIS HAS BEEN A GLORIOUS DAY, enhanced even further by my favorite weekly cold leftover hot dog still waiting for me in the family room with extra pickles. Life doesn’t get much better than this, people. It just doesn’t.

Pleasant and productive activities.

Hi, guys! I’ve had a pleasant and productive day that’s included all of the following pleasant and productive activities so far. There is always a possibility that additional pleasant and productive activities may be added later but we won’t worry too much about that now. Thank you.

Announcing another delicious convenience for housebound old ladies with shitty knees.

Know what happens when I get hungry? I buy amazings edible things on the interwebs! Last night I reordered more of that surprisingly tasty YODERS CANNED BACON from the nice people at Pleasant Hill Grain. I love this stuff, guys. Yoders manages to shove 52 regular-size slices of fully-cooked, ready-to-eat bacon in every can ... no more greasy frying pans or bacon shpritzies all over the stove! I ordered two cans this time. One for now, one for later.

Yoders canned bacon: The stuff that dreams are made of.

I don’t want to jinx myself or anything, but I FEEL REALLY TERRIFIC TODAY. The excruciating pain in my left heel (from plantar fasciitis) has dropped from a level 10 to a level 2 on the Official Howdygram Agony Scale, I have zero pain whatsoever in my arthritic knees, and for the time being most of my other frequent complaints are currently nonexistent, too. These would include such ailments as scary-low body temperature, crappy bladder control, useless hands due to diabetic peripheral neuropathy and a very itchy back.

Welcome to the decadent life of a housebound senior citizen.

Even though you might think it’s not much fun being a stay-at-home retired senior citizen with shitty knees and feet, most of the time you’d be REALLY WRONG. My life at Howdygram headquarters includes a wide variety of interesting activities and decadent perks, which I’ll outline for you below in subtitled paragraphs.

Hanukkah came early this year!

Howdygram headquarters has turned into the Twilight Zone due to THREE REALLY SPOOKY THINGS that actually happened today.

I haven’t had a decent BLT for years.

It’s a cool, crisp mid-August afternoon here in north Texas, the thermometer peaking at only 92° under a blue and remarkably not hazy sky. I only mention the weather because our typical daytime temperature this time of year is more like 105° with muggy air that’s not fit to breathe unless you’re an armadillo or a herd of grasshoppers.

Welcome to Grand Central Station, the suburban Dallas residence formerly known as Howdygram headquarters.

IT’S A MADHOUSE AROUND HERE, PEOPLE. So go get yourself a popsicle or couple of cookies and I’ll explain how come. Because inquiring minds want to know.

Tuesday’s deliveries and a shitty mystery fever.

As if a crippled heel, a crippled knee and a crippled hand aren’t enough ... I also just discovered I’ve got a SHITTY MYSTERY FEVER, which might explain why I’m also feeling lousy, clammy, achy and limp. I woke up a few minutes ago — it’s 4 a.m. — for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure, and if all goes well I’ll probably head back to bed very soon because lying down always feels better than sitting at a desk sucking TicTacs when a person has a fever.

Gigantic national recall of contaminated fruit means we all need to eat more Cheetos.

I am not myself today. Except ... if I’m not me, who the hell am I? Around 9:30 this morning I started feeling weird, sad and needy, almost like I wanted to park myself on the sofa right next to Sam and hold his hand all day even though this activity is clearly NOT POSSIBLE due to: 1) nobody can eat lunch that way; 2) Sam goes to work at 1:15; and 3) my hands hurt.

Terrific canned meat and shockingly shitty midwestern recipes.

The lying sacks of poo at Weather.com did it again. They predicted two days of severe thunderstorms and four to six inches of heavy rain here in the Dallas metro area that never materialized except for half an inch yesterday afternoon. An area just north of us, however, got slammed BIG TIME. I refer specifically to Valley View and Denton, where they got 12 inches of rain in five hours, and Interstate 35, roads, underpasses and city streets all look like the Colorado River. I’ll post a few flood pictures in case you give a crap. (Do you think we’re still technically having a drought?)

Gravy is my new favorite food group.

So it’s late Thursday afternoon, it’s raining, and I just woke up from my second extended nap of the day due to not getting any sleep last night whatsoever (again). ZERO SLEEP. I’m not sure what’s going on, but somehow I managed to cheer myself up for a few minutes by spending a large sum of dough for the following fine merchandise from Amazon.

My shitload of exciting Tuesday news bulletins plus a “Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap.

It’s Tuesday and I’ve got a shitload of exciting news bulletins to share with you. So many, in fact, that I almost don’t know where to start!