Thanksgiving is meaningless for us now as a “foodie” holiday. Blintzes, anyone?

Know what’s really fucked-up? I was just online Googling random shit in the middle of the night and decided to click a link to a website about the early warning signs of Multiple Sclerosis. Incidentally … NEVER DO THIS, dear readers, because you’ll always find a way to convince yourself that you’ve got whatever deadly disease — and designer drug — they’re selling today.

In case you’re interested, the early warning signs of M.S. appear below.

1. TINGLING AND NUMBNESS. Constantly … in my feet, my thighs and my fingertips.
   
2. PAINS AND SPASMS. Mostly in my legs.
3. WEAKNESS OR FATIGUE. I can’t walk any more. Does that count?
4. BALANCE PROBLEMS. I’ve always been afraid of tipping over.
5. BLADDER AND BOWEL ISSUES. Holy shit. Don’t ask.
6. COGNITIVE PROBLEMS. I have an issue with short term memory loss. Have we met before?
7. CHANGES IN EMOTIONAL HEALTH. Strangely enough, I just told Sam I need a stronger antidepressant because I don’t think Elavil is doing the job any more.
8. SLURRED SPEECH. Occasionally. It feels like my tongue is having a nervous breakdown.
9. TROUBLE SWALLOWING. It comes and goes, but it drives me crazy.

Incidentally, every one of these symptoms also can be attributed to other diseases as well … but especially to diabetic neuropathy, which I’ve had for years.

No, I don’t have Multiple Sclerosis. And I certainly hope you don’t, either. Thank you.

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It’s 6 a.m. and I never fell asleep last night. Jesus … it’s horrible to be bedridden and NOT GET ANY SLEEP! I’m convinced now that I’ll have to ask for a stronger sedative (I currently take Trazodone, 50mg) in addition to the extra antidepressant mentioned above in item #7. I’ll text the hospice administrator on Monday.

In the meantime, I thought you might get a kick out of this jawdropping photo of Jack Nicholson, age 81, pictured here at a Clippers basketball game in Los Angeles with his son (on the right). Old age sure sucks, doesn’t it?

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Surprise … more FREE FONTS! I’ve got a fun bunch for you tonight with a small smattering of interesting fonts to spark your creativity. For instance, “Blink Stones” has a paintbrush texture to it, “Horror Show” and “Jolly Christmas” are obvious choices for holiday projects, the “Bobby Jones Family” will be terrific for my greeting card designs, and “Ornamental Deco” and “Christmas Arrows” are both packed with all kinds of clipart images. Are these terrific, or what? I’ll include download links underneath the graphic in case you want any or all of them for your own collection.

Blink Stones • Horror Show • Jolly Christmas • Bobby Jones Family

Christmas Arrows • Ornamental Deco

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A couple of days ago I promised reviews of some new products in this week’s Wal-Mart Grocery pickup! I’ll start with HORMEL SLICED ROASTED TURKEY BREAST & GRAVY, a positively revolting refrigerated entree that Sam and I almost found inedible. For me it was the gravy — so fucking salty I had to scrape it off — but Sam hated the turkey itself, which had the texture and flavor of smoked ham, and he hates ham! For all of these reasons I can’t give this product more than a one-chopper rating.

An unpleasant and unbearably salty attempt at actual food.

I’d also like to review STOUFFER’S VEGETABLE LASAGNA, a frozen meal-for-one that’s awfully hard to eat if you don’t have really superb teeth. It pops out of the oven crusted and glued to the sides of the container and tastes like runny mac and cheese with chewy noodles and assorted hard little vegetable bits thrown in. I couldn’t masticate any of this (my teeth, unfortunately) and didn’t especially like the flavor, either, which was way too heavy with parmesan. Kind of nauseating, actually, but I’m awarding this product our two-chopper rating because it comes in a nice box.

Too crusty, too cheesy and the veggies are rock-hard. Meh.

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Are you ready for the holidays? Two are imminent, so kindly allow me to shove a gentle reminder at you! First, we’re only 11 days away from THANKSGIVING, although this is no big deal whatsoever for Sam and his handicapped shlepper of a wife (i.e., yours truly) because we really don’t care what we eat any more. Sam can be happy with six Ritz crackers and a slice of pepper jack cheese, and I can’t digest anything. For me, food is either too salty, too hard to chew or impossible to swallow (I’m bedridden, remember?) … and my taste buds are shot to hell, too. Flavors I used to love make me sick to my stomach … and I don’t even crave Chinese any more! The point is, Thanksgiving is meaningless for us now as a “foodie” holiday so we’ll probably just make a package of frozen blintzes.

Second, we’re also creeping up on HANUKKAH, a holiday that only has significance if you’re nine years old and expecting a box of 72 Crayola crayons. Even at my advanced age I’m not sure I ever really knew what this holiday was all about … something about Maccabees, candles and menorahs. In any event, this year Hanukkah begins on December 2 and ends at sundown on December 10. Eight days, eight candles, eight presents. Too bad I’m not a kid.

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Thank you for reading this. I’ve got a headache.