So what prompted all this? After I got up this morning to use my computer we decided to test-drive a “new system,” ostensibly to find out if standing more frequently would make it easier — and less painful — whenever I got up. [Answer: FUCK NO.] One hour after that I struggled to my feet, in agony and immediately sat down again. Ninety minutes later, during which I designed three mugs for The Howdygram Store and enjoyed a jar of Manischewitz Beet Borscht (with a wad of sour cream) for lunch, I tried standing again, still in agony, this time winding up on the commode. When I finally got back into bed I was physically and emotionally wrung out, my legs hurt like hell, and Sam and I both agreed we were through with any additional new systems or experiments. As a matter of fact, we also agreed that I was through getting out of bed altogether, unless — and only if — using the commode was involved.
Therefore it was another grievous day of “loss” for Sam and me … one more small sense of independence that’s vanished from my life forever. From now on whenever I want to use my iMac workstation I’ll have to sit on the side of my hospital bed for two or three hours at a stretch. And that’s all, folks!
It’s 4:35 a.m., and it looks as though we’ve got two more things to worry about around here today, as detailed below:
SAM COMPLAINED ABOUT VERTIGO THIS MORNING. I’m referring to the medical condition, not the 1958 Alfred Hitchcock thriller starring James Stewart. Frankly, I wish Sam would see a doctor … but he prefers a simpler, more “holistic” approach, i.e., a 16 oz. Dairy Queen Blizzard followed by a two-hour afternoon nap.
I MIGHT HAVE ANOTHER URINARY TRACT INFECTION. It’s only been three weeks since I finished my last round of antibiotics, but that horrible, unmistakable “burn” is creeping back! I’ll see my hospice R.N. tomorrow (Monday) for my weekly checkup, so I’ll mention something when she’s here. Oy.
I MIGHT HAVE ANOTHER URINARY TRACT INFECTION. It’s only been three weeks since I finished my last round of antibiotics, but that horrible, unmistakable “burn” is creeping back! I’ll see my hospice R.N. tomorrow (Monday) for my weekly checkup, so I’ll mention something when she’s here. Oy.
Have you ever seen the movie Hot Millions (1968) starring Peter Ustinov and Maggie Smith? This is one of my favorite Brit comedies — co-starring Karl Malden and Bob Newhart — about a resourceful embezzler/computer genius named Caesar Smith (Ustinov), his ditzy bride (Maggie Smith), Ustinov’s suspicious, jealous co-worker Willard Gnatpole (Newhart), and Ustinov’s boss (Malden). The plot is clever, the dialog is unforgettable and Maggie Smith is absolute perfection.
 |
| Peter Ustinov and Maggie Smith in “Hot Millions.” |
BATHING AND HYGIENE. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday I’ve got a 10:30 a.m. session with my hospice C.N.A. for bathing, powdering, dry skin maintenance and general hygiene.
A WEEKKLY CHECKUP. An R.N. will be here around noon on Monday for my weekly checkup. Blood pressure, temperature, heart rate, oxygen level. Typical senior citizen stuff.
A SESSION WITH OUR SOCIAL WORKER. We’re scheduled to meet with our hospice social worker on Monday afternoon between 1 and 4 p.m. We don’t have an exact appointment time with Theresa but she always calls when she’s on the way. I guess she wants to know if Sam and I are ready to strangle each other. (Obviously, no, we’re not.)
MISCELLANEOUS MEDICAL NEEDS. Tomorrow I have to text the hospice administrator (Bea) to ask if her staff physician will prescribe a diuretic for me that’s stronger than 40mg of Lasix, because I routinely need more than that to control the wheezing in my lungs and keep the swelling down in my legs. Plus I also want to know if somebody can please give me a flu shot.
BEAUTY MAINTENANCE. My new Panasonic ladies’ — it’s PINK! — electric razor will be delivered on Tuesday just in time for me to start shaving various body parts. Sam might have to help with my pits.
A WEEKKLY CHECKUP. An R.N. will be here around noon on Monday for my weekly checkup. Blood pressure, temperature, heart rate, oxygen level. Typical senior citizen stuff.
A SESSION WITH OUR SOCIAL WORKER. We’re scheduled to meet with our hospice social worker on Monday afternoon between 1 and 4 p.m. We don’t have an exact appointment time with Theresa but she always calls when she’s on the way. I guess she wants to know if Sam and I are ready to strangle each other. (Obviously, no, we’re not.)
MISCELLANEOUS MEDICAL NEEDS. Tomorrow I have to text the hospice administrator (Bea) to ask if her staff physician will prescribe a diuretic for me that’s stronger than 40mg of Lasix, because I routinely need more than that to control the wheezing in my lungs and keep the swelling down in my legs. Plus I also want to know if somebody can please give me a flu shot.
BEAUTY MAINTENANCE. My new Panasonic ladies’ — it’s PINK! — electric razor will be delivered on Tuesday just in time for me to start shaving various body parts. Sam might have to help with my pits.
The Howdygram’s staff meteorologist (okay, fine … it’s just me) would like to report that over the past 24 hours the Dallas metro area has recorded 7.65 inches of rain… with 11+ inches so far for the month September, and more in the forecast this week. WHOA, THAT’S A LOT OF FUCKING RAIN! Apparently White Rock Lake, which is located in the center of Dallas, looks more like an ocean now, pouring out in every direction across green belts, golf courses, parks, streets and neighboring homes. The spillway has turned into a rushing torrent of water. FYI, the typical average rainfall here for the month of September is 2.55 inches. So this is huge.
The previous record in Dallas for the month of September was 10.8 inches, set in 1932. That’s 86 years ago. Holy crap!
My adorable Sam just volunteered to pick up an order for me from Panda Express. Oh boy! UNEXPECTED CHEAP CHINESE FOOD! A photo of Panda’s sample double-entree plate appears below … even though I didn’t order String Bean Chicken with Honey Walnut Shrimp and Chow Mein noodles. I actually ordered Sweet Chili Chicken (spicy) with Teriyaki Chicken. This is so fantastic!
 |
| Sam is bringing home a lovely order tonight from Panda Express. |
The Senior Citizen Sports Desk is thrilled to announce that Eldrick “Tiger” Woods won the PGA Tour Championship on Sunday at the East Lake Golf Club in Atlanta. He finished at 11 under par, beating runner-up Billy Horschel by two strokes. This was Tiger’s first PGA championship in FIVE YEARS, a win that helped him move from 20th place to second in the final FedEx Cup standings. This, of course, was a very huge deal. Good for Tiger, good for the fans … and good for professional golf!
 |
| He did it … Tiger Woods won the PGA Tour Championship on Sunday at 11 under par. |
Bedtime, boys and girls. Many thanks for stopping by tonight, many thanks for reading this, and let’s have a couple of cookies while we ponder the Alamo.
No comments:
Post a Comment