The Howdygram 2: Tonight’s late-night bedside buffet will include Del Monte zucchini and a jar of pickled beets.

It’s definitely been an annoying day around here. For starters, we’ve had too damn many stinking interruptions, including: 1) my hospice C.N.A. at 10:30 this morning for routine bathing and hygiene baloney; 2) two Wal-Mart deliveries; 3) a prescription delivery from the hospice pharmacy; and 4) I think that’s it. And with regard to item #2, we did not receive the canned Keystone Beef that I was expecting, and this was the third time that UPS rescheduled my delivery this week. The swine!

Tomorrow should be better. The only delivery we’re expecting is that wayward shipment of Keystone Beef … and everybody else can jump in the fucking lake.

At the moment it’s 11:09 p.m., Sam just shuffled off to bed and I’m alone in the family room with a nice (but rather skimpy) bedtime snack consisting of leftovers from yesterday’s dinner: Stove Top Chicken Stuffing with two teeny whole mushrooms, a little glob of Kirkland’s canned chicken and no gravy whatsoever. I was watching one of my favorite shitty movies — Torch Song (1953) starring Joan Crawford and Michael Wilding — but decided to turn it off for a little while to work on this post. If you’ve never seen Torch Song, please treat yourself as soon as possible. It’s the classic story of self-love, crap musical numbers, dubbed vocals, wretched dancing, ridiculous staging, insane hair and makeup, bullying, racism … and why not also throw in tormenting a pathetic blind man while you’re at it. (To torture the rest of us, Joan actually appears in BLACKFACE.)

Joan Crawford at her terrifying worst … and for the first time in Technicolor.

It’s been a while since my last solid “kvetch” so I thought I’d give it my best shot for a few minutes. As always, I’ve been dealing with an assortment of shitty health issues that include: 1) diabetic peripheral neuropathy pain, i.e., nonstop “electric shocks” or “zingers” in my right leg, foot, and toes; 2) tremors in most of my fingers, both wrists and facial muscles, making it difficult to eat, talk, hold things in my hands and not look like a run-of-the-mill idiot ; 3) drippy eyeballs; 4) there’s a grotesque discolored and increasingly painful lump underneath the thumbnail on my right hand; and 5) tell your friends and relatives … I’m not constipated any more! Woo-hoo!

You know what? Every now and then it dawns on me that my life revolves around some mighty weird shit now. Tremors, drippy eyes, intestinal disorders, electrical spasms in my feet, and so on … but why you enjoy hanging out with the Howdygram and continue to come back every day to read baloney like this is surely one for the record books. I’m a tired, housebound senior citizen with a cannula in her nose who can barely stand up any more. The only remaining joys — in addition to Sam, of course — are writing my blog, designing greeting cards for The Howdygram Store (when I have enough energy to sit at my computer) and watching classic movies. Also eating things. And that’s it.

As always, please allow me to highlight the various subjects in this section with teeny red subtitles, okay? First … I’m having A VERY UNINSPIRED WEEK and don’t feel too much like putting myself through the hard grind that’s required to stand up from the chaise lounge. After loading up on opioids for pain — 20mg of Hydrocodone followed by 15mg of liquid Morphine — I struggle to get on my feet just long enough for Sam to push a bench behind me. The pain in my feet and knees is excruciating, and unless I’ve got specific projects to work on — or something I really can’t wait to design — I just don’t have enough motivation to stand. Sam encourages me to do whatever’s comfortable. Today, I’m comfortable not standing up. Deal with it.

Big news … my Wal-Mart order of CANNED KEYSTONE BEEF finally got here! Yee-haw! Delivery was postponed and rescheduled three times by UPS, and I was almost beginning to think there was something shady going on. (Apparently I was just a little paranoid.) Keystone Beef tastes so much like homemade pot roast it’s scary. I absolutely LOVE this stuff, especially mixed together with a can of (drained) whole potatoes and then nuked until it’s really hot. I call this recipe MARCY’S DELUSIONAL CANNED POT ROAST WITH WHOLE RUBBER POTATOES. If you don’t have a kitchen slave who knows how to make an authentic pot roast, this is truly the next best thing.

Sam and I are enjoying A DIVERSE ROSTER OF CLASSIC MOVIES today. In addition to two episodes of “The People’s Court” (which cannot, in any way whatsoever, be misconstrued as classic movies), we’ve seen: Stagecoach (1939) starring John Wayne; Andy Hardy Gets Spring Fever (1939) starring Mickey Rooney; and Without Reservations (1946) starring Claudette Colbert and John Wayne. I have no idea what will be next because we’ve started watching a back-to-back “Law and Order” festival on Sundance TV. It’s awfully goddamn easy to get hooked on this show! After we get fed up with six consecutive hours of “Law and Order” Sam and I both want to watch San Francisco (1936) starring Clark Gable, Jeanette MacDonald and Spencer Tracy. That’s sure one hell of a special effects earthquake!

Unfortunately, however, as fantastic as all this high-quality teevee can be, I’m afraid I have FOUR TRULY SERIOUS ISSUES preying on my heart tonight as I lie here tonight like a miserable lump:

I’M ALMOST OUT OF TROPICAL POPSICLES. Sam thinks I have about four left in the freezer until he can get back to Wal-Mart in the morning to buy more. I eat a lot of Popsicles, boys and girls. Four might not be enough to tide me over.
I HAVEN’T RECEIVED MY ABSENTEE BALLOT yet for the November election, and I’m getting FUCKING NERVOUS about this! Therefore I just sent an email to the Dallas County Board of Elections and will also call them in the morning to find out what the hell’s going on. I’m ready to vote! In Texas, if you’re a senior citizen or an invalid, you have to register every January if you want absentee ballots for all the elections that pop up throughout the year. I’ve received absentee ballots so far this year for local elections in March and primaries in May. I want to know ASAP where the ballot is for November … because this is the big one. Also, I want to make absolutely sure nobody changed the absentee ballot rules without telling me. Texas can be very, very sneaky.
I WANT MY NEW TRIFOCALS, GODDAMN IT. On September 4 I called Mobile Vision to order a pair of glasses to replace the ones I lost in Baylor Hospital’s emergency room at the end of May, and also a replacement right lens so they can fix the glasses that I wear every day, which are a holy mess. (If you can understand that sentence you deserve a free cupcake ... although I don’t know where on earth you’ll get it.) I just emailed Mobile Vision’s scheduling desk to find out what’s going on.
MY ARMS ARE KILLING ME and I need some food. Tonight’s late-night bedside buffet will include a mug of Del Monte Zucchini with Italian Style Tomato Sauce followed by a bowl of Del Monte Crinkle-Cut Pickled Beets with Sour Cream. Pure culinary heaven!

It only took me 11 years to figure this out, but I think I finally understand the best HTML code for all my little neon small caps subtitles if I want even “white space” between my lines of text. Woo-hoo! Believe it or not, here’s the HTML code (below) that I have to enter for every subtitle … but it’s specifically the line-spacing value that makes all the difference. It took an awfully long time, but I’m thrilled that I finally nailed it.

I love working with HTML. Back in the “olden days” when I designed websites, HTML coding was the best part of every project for me. Perfect coding always guaranteed that my websites would function with the peak visibility online and the highest user experience. End of commercial.

Thank you for reading this. I have nothing to say about the Alamo whatsoever.