The Howdygram keeps me sane, focused, authentic and entertaining (I hope).

Whoa … where the hell did 2018 go? We’re already into the second half of the year — it’s the Fourth of July, for God’s sake — and before you can blink your pruny little eyelids I’ll be writing posts about wonderful ideas for Hanukkah presents and where to buy them. (Hint: How come you’re not shopping at The Howdygram Store?) In the meantime ... happy Fourth from Sam and me, and I sure wouldn’t mind a couple of grilled hot dogs if you’ve got any extras. Also cole slaw. (Actually, I’d rather just have the cole slaw. Nix the hot dogs.)

Happy Fourth from Sam and me!

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It’s a few minutes past noon, my hospice C.N.A. was here about an hour ago for bathing and general hygiene, and Sam is asleep on the sofa after a busy morning playing with a 79-year-old copy of the Los Angeles Times that he discovered three years ago in his parents’ garage after his mom passed away and the siblings were getting ready to list the house with a realtor. This thing is amazing. The articles, the ads (and prices) … and a bunch of fascinating editorials and political commentary just two years before the United States entered World War II. Right now Sam has everything spread out on the dining room table on a paper tablecloth (in case the pages fall apart) that he bought at Dollar Tree a couple of days ago.

I think I’ll ask him to take pictures of the pages for me ... you know, like a spy in a James Bond movie. Except first I think I’ll ask him for some lunch. FOOD FIRST!

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I’m trying to watch Advise & Consent (1962) starring Walter Pidgeon and Gene Tierney — a fabulous Congressional “thriller” involving blackmail, closeted homosexuality, a Senate investigation that tries to discredit the President’s candidate for Secretary of State, and other juicy political tidbits that all ring very “close to home” right now — but I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep my eyes open! However, if I shut down my MacBook I might be able to take a nap of my own for a while. Try to keep the noise down, okay?

George Grizzard, an unknown dude, Paul Ford and Walter Pidgeon in “Advise & Consent.”

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I spent several hours comfortably ensconced at my computer table today, creating 18 new mug designs — EIGHTEEN! — for The Howdygram Store and a variety of new graphics for the Howdygram. Now that I can finally use my iMac every day — and my fancy-ass Adobe Creative Cloud software — it feels fabulous to squirt my creative juices again! However, I had to wind up my computer session a little earlier than usual today due to some unfortunate and unexpected pain from the pressure sores on the back of my thighs. Moaning doesn’t work very well when you’re designing mugs. Sometimes a girl just has to lie down, load up on Morphine and suck a Popsicle. And that’s all there is to it!

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I’ll wake Sam from his pre-bedtime nap (sounds screwy, doesn’t it?) as soon as I figure out what I want for my next meal. I’m presently giving strong consideration to Wal-Mart’s frozen battered fish fillets with a large quantity of tartar sauce. Also a bun, so I can make a fish sandwich. (I love fish sandwiches.) Incidentally, if you’ve never tried Wal-Mart’s fish fillets you really should. They’re terrific. You can bake them in a toaster oven, they don’t stink up the kitchen, they’re the perfect size for sandwiches, and one box (10 fillets) will feed two people. You can even eat them LYING DOWN! (Trust me, I know.)

Wal-Mart’s fabulous store-brand fish fillets. Sam and I love them!

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Holy crap, I just averted a major catheter crisis! Every once in a while the cord gets lodged under my leg or caught below my foot … and the pee stops flowing. It’s a huge problem, and it happens at least two or three times a week. (It happened twice today alone.) All of a sudden I’ll have an unexpected and overwhelming urge to urinate … and if I don’t stand up or figure out how to dislodge my catheter cord immediately I could wind up with a bladder eruption of the highest magnitude. And poor Sam would have to start mopping!

Please allow me to apologize, however, for writing so many endless paragraphs about peeing. I wish I didn’t have to. Sincerely. But uncontrollable peeing took over my life about six years ago, and I’ve been trying my damndest to get a grip on it ever since. Fortunately, when I was discharged from the hospital at the end of May — my third visit since January! — I was under the care of a hospice, and they decided to let me come home catheterized, a decision that completely changed my life. And Sam’s.

So this is my screwy world now. As of July 4, 2018, I’m housebound, I can’t walk, I can barely stand, I’m completely dependent on Sam for absolutely everything, and I feel compelled share the most intimate details of my life in the Howdygram — as I have almost every day for the last nine years — because this is what keeps me sane, focused, authentic and entertaining (I hope).

Thank you for reading this, happy Fourth of July and to hell with the Alamo already.