TUESDAY, 7/17/2018, 12:06 P.M. Happy Tuesday to you and yours! It’s a few minutes past noon, and I’m trying to choose between two really important activities: 1) eating lunch; and 2) pooping. To tell you the truth, though, I don’t really want to choose
between them, I want to do BOTH ...
but not at the same time! And only one of the aforementioned activities (#2, no pun intended) would require a dose of liquid Morphine first, because I can’t stand up and walk without it ... even if it’s just a few steps to our portable commode.
I apologize if this is too much information, but it’s my blog and I’ll write whatever the hell I want. Thank you.
So here are some of my meal options today at Howdygram headquarters. Right now I’m considering: 1) Stove Top Chicken Stuffing with a jar of Green Giant whole mushroomsr; 2) a big bowl of Manischewitz beet borscht with sour cream; 3) meal #1 combined with meal #2 at an appropriate interval and with additional napkins; 4) a can of Campbell’s — formerly Franco American — Spaghetti Os; 5) Great Value fish fillets on a plate with Louisiana tartar sauce. I might even ask for a bun with meal #5.
After checking my
Wal-Mart delivery schedule I regret that I won’t have my Manischewitz beet borscht until Thursday, July 19. I HAVE TO WAIT TWO MORE STINKING DAYS! In the same order I’m also scheduled to receive two cans of Campbell’s Brown Gravy with Legitimate Onions, Manichewitz Matzo Balls and several packages of Great Value 20 oz. foam bowls. The aforementioned Stove Top Chicken Stuffing (meal #1) and Spaghetti Os (meal #4) are arriving
today.
If you’re wondering how come I ponder food all the time, it’s because I really don’t have anything else to do when I’m not horsing around with the Howdygram or greeting card designs for
The Howdygram Store. I love planning my next meal … and
your next birthday card!
Thought you might like a peek at the New York Daily News’ cover today. It’s earth-shattering, people. OPEN TREASON!? Please, somebody — ANYBODY! — get this disgusting slob
out of the White House already!cI DON’T THINK I CAN STAND ANOTHER DAY BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP MAKES ME PUKE. Thank you.
I know I told you a few days ago that I was on strike and wouldn’t be writing about deplorable politics any more. Well, I lied.
I can’t help it. Trump’s disastrous meeting with Putin this week, and that tragic press conference afterwards, leave me no other choice.
I have to blog about it! Especially now, when the orange menace is annoying the American people for a “do-over” where his press conference remarks were concerned. He’s even picking apart the construction of his sentences now, including an incorrect explanation of a “double negative” that’s so atrocious
even the do-over didn’t make any sense!
WEDNESDAY, 7/18/2018, 11:06 A.M. Let’s move along, shall we? After the lede story in yesterday’s
post — about me
bleeding to death, remember? — I did an INR (blood clotting speed) fingerstick blood test today to find out what the hell’s going on, and the result was 6.7 …
almost four times higher than it should be. “Normal” is between 2.0 and 2.5, so at 6.7 it’s entirely possible for a person to bleed to death from something as simple as a
scratch. It was terrifying. I never saw so much blood in my entire life, on my nightgown, dripping from my arm and my hand, all over my stomach.
Blecch! It was like a scene from a
horror movie!
I’ve been taking a blood thinner called Coumadin ever since I was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation (a heart condition) back in 2009. The big trick with Coumadin is to monitor a
sucker’s patient’s
blood clotting speed (INR) weekly or bi-weekly and adjust the dose of medication if it’s out of whack. In my case, Dr. M expected me to show up at her office every other week for a fingerstick blood test — a lot like the
blood sugar testing I do at home multiple times a day — except she charged a $30 co-pay every time I walked in the front door. WHAT A MONEY-GRUBBING RACKET!
Jesus! A nurse’s aide (not even a REAL LIVE NURSE) checked my temperature and blood pressure, so I’m sure they figured it was worth
So ... I bought my own CoaguChek XS meter on
eBay for $565, which was a VERY good price. However, the test strips are
outrageously expensive (six for $49), especially when you compare them to the strips I buy for my blood sugar meter (50 for $20). Anyway, the
hospice pays for my INR test strips now, so I can strike another routine medical expense off my list.
Now that I’ve carried on about the stupid and boring history of my CoaguChek meter —
when I bought it,
why I bought it, etc. — maybe it’s time to tell you the rest of the story. This afternoon I sent a text to the hospice administrator (Bea) to tell her that I almost bled to death yesterday (all over myself, all over my nightgown, all over the family room) and my INR fingerstick blood test readout was 6.7 today. Apparently Bea
freaked out and called the hospice M.D., who immediately told me to stop taking Coumadin altogether and start taking a very high dose of Vitamin K, which is the same vitamin that’s in dark green leafy vegetables like spinach. (Vitamin K increases your blood clotting speed, which explains why Coumadin patients have to control how much Vitamin K we eat. The answer: Very, very little.)
I think everybody’s pretty worried about me right now, to tell you the truth. Stay tuned.
Other than the blood thing, though, it’s been a pretty decent day for me overall. First,
I’M STILL LOVING MY LIQUID MORPHINE. Oh my God, it’s amazing
how fast that stuff works! I try to take a dose about 15 minutes before I get up and walk, and the pain relief is really
astounding. I took three doses today, many hours apart, and with great success. And second,
SAM MADE ME STOVE TOP STUFFING FOR LUNCH. With gravy, Green Giant mushrooms and a glass of sugar-free cranberry juice with ice. Oy, it sure doesn’t get much better than this in Cootsville, U.S.A.
I need some sleep, and I need it RIGHT NOW. I can’t keep my eyes open and I’ve got an issue with
double vision. Therefore I should say nighty-night to y’all and get on with my life. (I want to watch
Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959) starring James Mason and Pat Boone. It’s my number one favorite “sleeping movie.”)
Thank you for reading this, please cast a passing glance at the Alamo and, if at all possible, remember it as well.
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